I don’t want to clear my brain. It’s full of Chelsea.
The lighter drops to the counter with a loud clatter and I stub the joint out in the sink, then rinse it out. I drop the half-smoked joint into the toilet and flush, watch as it disappears down the drain forever.
If my friends caught me flushing a joint they’d be pissed. But I don’t care. I need to get this shit out of my life. I need to focus. I need to do the right thing.
I need to prove myself worthy of Chelsea. But no matter how much our relationship means to me, it also scares me.
Scares me so much I’m afraid I might do the wrong thing. And once I do that, I can never go back.
CHAPTER 18
Chelsea
I’m attending a college football game for the first time ever. Only took me three years to do it. Of course, I never had a reason to attend one before. I hated sports. I kind of still do. I can never understand exactly what’s going on down on the field and that drives me crazy. I like knowing what’s happening at all times.
As Owen teased me about last night right before we drifted off to sleep, I do wish there were a textbook for all of these things we’re supposed to know and do and learn and watch. If I can’t figure it out right away or read up about it, I’m lost. And frustrated.
I hate that.
But I’m letting all the anxiety go. It’s the second half, our team is winning, Owen is out on the field, and I’m sitting with his sister and niece, bundled up against the crisp, cold fall air. The baby is adorable, sweet and content in her mother’s arms, and when Fable offers for me to hold the baby, I take her, bouncing her up on down on my knee, cooing at her and saying the dumbest stuff that has probably ever come out of my mouth.
I don’t care. Autumn likes it. She reaches for my face and my heart stops. She smiles at me and I want to make her do it again. Her eyes remind me of Owen’s, green and clear and achingly beautiful. No wonder Owen goes on and on about how sweet his niece is. She’s adorable.
“She likes you,” Fable says, reaching out to readjust the little cap sitting on top of Autumn’s head.
I cuddle the baby close to me, gazing down at her. “I like her, too.”
“This game is sort of boring,” Fable says, looking out at the field. “We’re totally kicking their asses.”
I muffle the laugh that wants to escape. “Yeah, we are.”
“Thank goodness we’re almost out of here. I need to get Autumn down for a nap soon before she starts getting cranky. You’re going to dinner with us later, right?”
“Yes, definitely,” I say, happiness filling my chest so full I feel like I’m going to burst. “What time did you want to meet?”
“I don’t know.” Fable shrugs, a little smile on her face. “After Autumn’s nap, but not too late. I think I want to go to The District.”
“Really? Didn’t you used to work there?” I ask.
“I did.” A wistful smile crosses her face. “I have a lot of fond memories at that place. Some not so fond, too. Most of them are pretty awesome, though.”
“Is that where you and Drew met?”
“Oh, no.” She laughs and shakes her head, then reaches for the baby and plucks her from my arms. “Daddy and I had an—unusual meeting, didn’t we, princess?” She’s talking to Autumn, who smiles and kicks out her little feet.
I’m almost afraid to ask how they met now. So I don’t.
“You and my brother are getting pretty serious then?” she asks after a few minutes have gone by.
I glance around, thankful no one is really sitting by us. We’re down on the bottom row of bleachers, close to the exit, because that’s where Fable wanted to be. She was unsure how Autumn might behave while we’re here and didn’t want to take any chances. “Um, what do you mean by serious?”
“Boyfriend/girlfriend kind of serious?” She sends me a pointed look, one that says you’d better tell me everything, and quick. I swallow hard, suddenly intimidated.
“I—I think so.” I shrug, feeling stupid. And I despise feeling stupid. “We haven’t made an official declaration or anything.”
“Ah.” She nods. “I get it.” She offers me a smile, cuddling her baby close to her chest. “Be patient with my brother. He might not be the best when it comes to relationships, but he’s a good guy.”
He’s definitely a good guy, but I think we’re both amateurs at relationships. I keep my opinions to myself. He’s never really had a relationship and neither have I, but we seem to be navigating the course fairly well so far. And I don’t want to rock the boat, asking him for something more that he might not be ready to give yet.
So I remain quiet and enjoy what we share. Ever since that night I went over to his place with the Indian food and we ended up having sex for the first time, I’ve spent every free hour I can spare with Owen at his place. So much that I’m starting to irritate Kari because she never sees me. I ignore Mom’s texts, just occasionally sending her a one-word answer in the hope I can get rid of her for at least a little while.
It rarely works. I need to actually call her and find out what’s really going on. I just … I don’t have time for all that right now.
I’d rather spend all my time with Owen.
He’s been edgy lately and I don’t know why. Des never comes around anymore. Wade leaves a lot, but we never protest. That just gives us the opportunity to be a little more vocal when we’re in bed together. And when we’re alone in the house, Owen has this way of looking at me, touching me, that makes me lose all inhibitions. He can get me naked in minutes, both physically and emotionally. He’s made me come so hard, I’ve screamed his name.
My body goes a little limp just thinking about it.
“You know, our mom was pretty screwed up,” Fable continues.
I become instantly alert at the mention of their mom. Considering Owen never, ever talks about her, I’m all ears.
“She was?” I ask, hoping she’ll continue.
Fable’s gaze meets mine and she rolls her eyes. “She’s awful. Just a terrible human being. I saw right through her tricks. She didn’t know how to take care of us and after a while, she didn’t want to, either. I was fine with it. Yeah, it hurt my feelings, but I just wanted to get away from her forever.”
I wait breathlessly for more information. Their mom sounds like a nightmare.
“She abandoned us awhile ago. Well, she abandoned us at first when Owen was just fourteen. Like, he came home one night all alone and found our apartment empty. She’d taken all of our stuff and just left.”