Salem and I look at each other for a second before she asks, “Does he really wear tweed coats with elbow patches, Poe?”
“Yes!” Poe says emphatically. “So can you really blame me after all?”
“Can we please, please, see his photo?” I beg but before she can say anything, I go, “Wait, is his name really what you told us? Or did you lie about that too?”
“No, I did not lie about that,” Poe says. “I couldn’t make up that stupid name even if I wanted to.”
“So can we finally see his photo now?” I ask again, beyond intrigued now.
I can’t believe Poe has been lying to us about her guardian’s age. I always wondered that she shared everything about him, so why wouldn’t she share his photo as well? And now I know why.
“Yes.” Salem jumps up and down in her spot. “Please? Please? I mean, we know everything about him now. Can we?”
Poe looks at her and then at me before saying, “Yes, you can. At his funeral. I’ll be sure to pick out a picture where he looks particularly… dashing or something, okay? Now can we please get back to Wyn’s problem?”
I sigh.
Because yes, we do need to get back to me.
And Salem nods. “Yes. Right. Sorry.” She focuses on me. “So what are you going to do?”
My distracted, scattered thoughts come rushing back and I shake my head. “I don’t know. I just… He’s lonely, okay? He’s lonely and alone and he says that he doesn’t need anyone but that’s not true. Even Helen said that he was alone by choice and that he doesn’t need anyone. But he does. He does need someone. And I want to give him that. I want… He’s done so much for others. He’s given up so much. For his family. For his siblings. He’s always made them the center of his universe, you know? He’s always chosen others over himself, over his career, over his love and I… I want it to be his turn now. His turn to be chosen. His turn to be happy, to have joy, to be the center of someone’s universe.”
That’s what he said, didn’t he, at the bar last night.
And I want to give him that.
I want him to have that.
I want to give him everything he wants.
“So then give him that,” Salem says.
And there’s the problem.
The problem I need their help with.
How to give him that?
“Well, I would like to. It’s just that…” I swallow, feeling a little self-conscious. “I don’t know how. Like, what do I do to make that happen? What can I do?”
“You’re joking, right?” Salem asks in disbelief.
Well now I’m not just self-conscious, I’m downright embarrassed as I squirm on my bed, tucking my hair behind my ear. “No, I’m not. How can I possibly do this for him? Like set him up on a date?”
As soon as I say it, I want to throw up.
I don’t want him going on dates.
I didn’t even like seeing him with Helen, the woman he loves.
The woman he actually wants but can’t have because she’s married.
I don’t think I can watch him go on dates with other women. But isn’t that selfish of me and shouldn’t I…
My friends’ chuckles break my thoughts and I ask, “What?”
“You want to set him up on a date?” Salem asks, chuckling.
“I’m… I don’t…”
“She doesn’t know,” Poe says to Salem, smirking.
Salem looks at her for a second before coming back to me and studying my confused face again. “Oh my God, she doesn’t.”
Poe chuckles. “Nope.”
“Yeah, she’s got no clue,” Salem says sadly, shaking her head.
“Okay, time out, all right? What don’t I know?”
Poe loses her shit then and starts laughing. “You’re so cute when you’re pissed off.”
Salem laughs too but her words are a little more helpful than Poe’s. “Wyn, honey, you love him.”
“I-I’m sorry?”
Her laughter dies down to a smile as she says, “You’re in love with him. You’ve possibly been in love with him since the moment you saw him.”
I shake my head. “I’m not.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’m not in love with him. Yes, I’m obsessed with him. I also might have a little bit of a crush on him. And yes, I’ve thought about him ever since that night. But that’s only because he changed my life. It’s only because he inspired me and told me to dream and be what I want to be. And I…” I blink, feeling moisture well up in my eyes. “I can’t imagine a world where he’s not happy. Where he’s not smiling. He doesn’t smile, did you guys know that? I’ve never seen him smile. He’s always angry and frowning and my whole body hurts when I think of him that way. When I think of him all alone. My chest aches when I think about all the dreams that he’s had to give up. About the fact that he thinks it’s his fault. That he has no right to dream and I… I want it to end. Now. I’m not letting him be alone anymore. I can’t. So that’s why. It’s not… love.”