That irritates her, my question, and it shows on her frowning face and in her tone. “Yes, Bronwyn, I let him go. I’m the bad guy here. I’m selfish. You can think whatever you want but I wasn’t going to drag myself down with him. I wasn’t going to be foolish like him and destroy everything, including my family, when he was choosing his over me.”
But who chose him?
If he was choosing everyone, if he was taking care of everyone, then who picked him?
Who took care of him?
I’m not sure how I’m even sitting up straight when every part of my body is trembling and shivering and shaking. When pain attacks my chest and my belly in waves.
When all I want to do is run out of this room and find him.
When all I want to do is hug him and tell him that…
That I choose him.
I do.
Even though I know it doesn’t matter that I do. Even though he wouldn’t care.
But still.
“But anyway, a few years later, my parents introduced me to Seth,” she continues. “And we fell in love. We got married. But when I moved back, I… I contacted Con. I invited him to my wedding. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe because he was my first love. He was the man I was going to marry one day but didn’t. He was the one who got away. He was the guy who left me. And I just… when I came back I realized that I still have feelings for him. Those feelings I had for him just never went away.”
“You should tell him,” I blurt out.
She frowns at me. “Tell who what?”
“Seth,” I explain. “I mean, there’s no way that this could be easy for you. But you need to tell Seth that you love Conr — Coach Thorne — and that you want to be with him.”
Yes.
Exactly.
This is what she should do. Especially when she has feelings for Conrad.
Maybe she didn’t choose him before, when his mom died and he had to leave everything behind and choose his family over his own wishes — and God, just the thought of it, of him going through the loss of a relationship along with his mother makes me want to start sobbing — but she can do it now.
She can choose him now.
Can’t she?
“What?”
“I know it will break his heart. Seth’s,” I tell her, my mind racing with all the possibilities. “I’ve seen you two together. He’s completely in love with you. But this is worse, isn’t it? Letting him think that you love him back when you love someone else, and even though it might not mean much, but I will be there for you. I will support you —”
“But I do love Seth,” Helen cuts me off.
Now it’s my turn to be confused. “What?”
“I do,” she replies. “I do love my husband.”
“But you just said…” I shake my head, even more confused now. “You just said that when you came back, you realized that you still love Coach Thorne.”
Helen regards me with something I don’t understand. “Yes, but I’m not going to leave my husband for him.”
“But I don’t…”
Sighing, she sits back. “You’re young, Bronwyn. You’re idealistic. But you’re still from Wuthering Garden. You still know how our town is. How divorces are viewed. I can’t just leave Seth. He handles my father’s business. Our families are business partners.”
"No, I understand. It’s going to be so difficult. But I think –”
“I’m not going to ruin everything just because I have feelings for my ex-boyfriend.”
My hands are fisted in my lap and there’s a tightness in my chest as I’m trying to make sense of everything she’s telling me. “So you’re staying with Seth then?”
“Look,” she begins, irritated, even more so than before. “Even if I leave Seth for Con, there’s no future here. My parents would never agree to me being with Con. His pro days are over. He’s stuck here, in this town. In this job. He chose his path years ago and I can’t walk on that path with him. I can’t marry a nobody. I can’t do this to my parents. I need to use my head.”
I think I get it.
I think I finally understand everything.
Up until now I thought that there was no choice. That they had to do this.
They had to meet in secret, had to sneak around, had to carry on their relationship in private because they loved each other so much. Because they were compelled at the hands of love.
But now I think I was wrong.
I was wrong because they do have a choice.
Helen does have a choice.
“So you’re saying that you want both of them,” I state at last, my heart pounding painfully in my chest. “Your husband and your ex-boyfriend.”
She scoffs at my tone,which she follows with a mocking laugh. “Are you judging me?” Another laugh. “God, you’re so young. Anyway, I don’t expect you to understand this right now, Bronwyn. Maybe one day when you’ve grown up enough, you might be able to see where I’m coming from. In fact I’m pretty sure that you’ll be in the same position as me. You don’t think you’re above me or anyone else from our town, do you?” She runs her eyes over me. “I know you’ve always had difficulty blending in. With your art and things. And I personally subscribe to the notion that you should do what you want, but you can’t be that naive. You can’t think that given the same situation, you wouldn’t do the same thing as me.”