Oh. "Kassam—"
"But most of all, I regret that I could not protect you when I should have." He squeezes me against his chest, even tighter. "I regret I am not the husband I should have been. So yes, my Carly, even a god has regrets." His hand pauses in the middle of my back and then strokes down my spine again.
I notice he doesn't bring up the real feelings, but too much has already been said.
45
We linger in the trees, talking about nothing and everything, for what feels like hours. It's hard to tell time in this unfamiliar place, but the big red moon eventually rises and disappears into the trees once more, and we remain where we're at. Kassam tells me stories, like he does every night. He tells me about the other gods, about Aron of the Cleaver, who was a butcher in a town long, long ago and was so bloodthirsty and fierce that the High Father raised him to become the battle god. He tells me about Tadekha, the Lady of Magic, who is obsessed with her own importance and created all kinds of complicated rules for magic users to limit who could receive her blessings. He tells me of the Fates, who are either represented by spiders (or are spiders, it's hard to tell) and how they choose to live on the mortal plane when the other gods reside in their own secret planes. He tells me of the Great Endless Forest, his home, and when he opened it to the fae. He tells me of the conmac leader, an arrogant-sounding asshole who took every impossible task that Kassam assigned him and completed it, earning his wolf-skin.
My own stories feel small and stupid in comparison, but I share them anyhow. He especially likes the story about the time my mom went to a psychic fair and stormed away, angry, because she realized they were not all psychics. He enjoys my bartending tales, but when I mention my endless projects that I've bailed out on or the relationships I abandoned, he simply tsks at me. "Do not sell yourself short, my Carly. Just because you did not finish these unimportant things, it does not mean you are worthless. You will finish the job when the time is right."
And that makes me go quiet, because I think about the death god again, and my thread, fraying beyond all repair. That's a problem for Tomorrow-Carly, though. Tonight-Carly just wants to linger in Kassam's arms for a little longer. Eventually, though, even the birds settle down to sleep and it grows chilly. I tap Kassam's hand. "I should get back. If you're attacking tomorrow, I need to get those messages drafted and give people time to leave. If they have kids they might need more time, or livestock…"
"Stay a while," Kassam tells me, resting his chin atop my head as he hugs me close. "We can delay one more day. It will give our armies time to rest up, the innocent time to flee, and time for Riekki to sweat. One more day will not matter."
He's delaying this just so we can gaze up at the stars a bit longer? That secret romantic side to Kassam is strong indeed. So I relax in his arms. "Being together like this is my favorite time of day," I admit. "I don't mind staying a little longer."
Kassam chuckles, rubbing his hands up and down my arms. "It is strange, I thought that hedonism would need to be fed as it has in the past—with parties, wine, and partners." He pauses. "Many, many partners—"
"Okay now," I cut in. Not sure I want to hear about all the people he's fucked over millennia.
"—but I find my soul is quietest when I am here with you, just talking and surrounded by the trees." He wraps me in another hug. "Strange, because I have never thought of myself as lonely, but having you with me just feels…whole. Does that make sense?"
In a way, it does. It makes me feel good to hear that just being with me brings him happiness. I don't think anyone (other than my mother) has said the same. I try to imagine what it's going to be like for me, if the gods won't let me stay. If I go back home to Mom, she'll be thrilled. And I'll be…without Kassam. Returning to a gray, gray world without a laughing hedonism god.
I try not to think about that too hard. Kassam wants me to stay, after all. And if my thread frays…
Kassam shifts his weight, smoothly pulling me behind him in a single move. "Someone approaches."
"Oh?" I blanch as a horrid thought occurs to me. "Not Seth, I hope? I'm not ready to see his ass again."
He lifts his head, sniffing the air like one of the conmac. "Not Seth. Female."