Oh, yeah, that was his plan. I'd get pissed, and as soon as I touched him, he'd have me. Not going to happen. I was smarter than that. I lay where I was and waited. After a while, when I thought I'd scream from the tension, a light snore drifted across the bed.
Wait, was he really sleeping?
Not messing with me, or getting ready to reach across the space between us, but actually fast asleep?
Frustration burned in my chest with such a fierce heat that tears pooled in my eyes. Was it just me playing this game? Was it all in my head? How could he be sleeping?
Never mind that he was doing exactly what I'd told myself I wanted. He'd made no demands. Didn't even issue an invitation. I gave very clear signals that I wasn't interested in sex, and he was reading them. How could I possibly be mad about that?
Because I just was.
I knew why. I wanted Tenn to make the choice. To take the decision out of my hands. If he started it, I could blame my hormones and let myself off the hook.
Too scared to trust myself, I'd run from him, going so far as to build a wall between our sides of the bed. And now I was mad at him for respecting my boundaries.
I was a jerk. Tenn was the good guy here. And I was still mad at him.
Grinding my teeth together, I rolled over, facing the windows, and stared out at the stars. I didn't bother trying to fall asleep. It was never going to happen. I was too mad. Too frustrated. And too afraid that by denying both Tenn and myself, I might be making a huge mistake.
Chapter Twenty-Three
SCARLETT
I drifted awake to the sensation of heat on my lower back. A hand. Heat beneath me. Blinking my eyes open, dark green cotton filled my view. Tenn's t-shirt. I was on top of him. Again.
If I hadn't been so worried about waking him, I might have screamed. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just stay away from this man? What was so special about him? It had been ages since I’d had an interest in sex. Why Tenn? Why now, at the exact time I couldn't risk getting distracted?
I let out a sigh, turning my head to rest my cheek on his shoulder. So much was crowded in my head I couldn't think straight.
Why exactly was it such a bad idea to have sex with Tenn?
I couldn't remember. Something about keeping my head clear so I could find the bust of Vitellius and Thatcher.
Not a very convincing argument considering how distracted I was by not having sex with Tenn. If I slept with him, I'd be more alert, not less, right?
Hard to argue with that point. Not sleeping with Tenn was doing nothing for my brain, that was for sure.
So why? Why did I keep telling Tenn, ‘No?’ Why did I keep telling myself, ‘No?’ Didn't I deserve something just for me? It felt like years, thirteen of them to be exact, since I'd done something just for me.
I wanted him. Wanted Tenn. Wanted him in a way I'd never, ever wanted a man. Not even my ex. My want for Tenn was nothing I'd ever experienced.
Letting out another sigh, I knew that was the answer to my question. I was in deep with him after only a few days. All these years of caution, and this one man snuck through my barriers without even trying.
This thing between us couldn't go anywhere. For so many reasons. I had a life a thousand miles away, for one. And I came with baggage. A lot of it, a significant chunk currently sleeping in a pillow fort two stories below. Tenn and I didn't have a future.
I was fending him off because I was afraid for my heart, not my body. My body was pretty clear on what it wanted. Tenn. Full stop. My heart was at a loss. I already wanted more than just his body. I wanted his smile. I wanted to make him laugh. I wanted to curl up in bed and read with him again. I wanted a lot of things that weren't going to happen.
So what?
The thought caught in my head.
So what?
So what if we weren't going to have a fairy tale romance?
Did that mean I should slink off and deny myself at least part of what I wanted?
If I can't have the fairy tale, I won't have anything at all?
Every cell in my body tossed out that idea.
My heart could be a fool, but my body was done with self-denial. What had I thought the other day? Just a taste. Even if I couldn't keep Tenn, I could have just a taste, couldn't I? We were both adults. We both wanted it. Why not? Wouldn't a little bit of Tenn be better than none at all?