Devin… felt different. He had all along, and that had led me to make a fool of myself the way boys had made a fool of themselves over me.
They had never been equal to me, though. Was I equal to Devin? Could I be? …Did I want to be?
I wasn’t going to get anything out of my own brain like this. I had to confront him with this new information.
I got up and paced around the house, looking for my phone. Eventually I found it on the coffee table, half-hidden under three disorderly magazines. I was used to scrolling to find Devin’s number after all this time, but this was the first time I had made a call.
“Julia.” Of course he had to let me know he was aware it was me. “How are you?”
“I need to see you.” I hadn’t realised I was going to make that request, but now that I’d spoken it was clear: this was the only way forward. “As soon as possible. Today.”
“Of course I’m happy to arrange to see you again.” He didn’t sound happy, though: I was pretty sure he was squirming. “But as you understand I’m very busy, I can’t just drop—”
The old, scheming Julia was coming back to the fore. “Of course you can just drop if the reason matters enough to you. Let me make it easier for you. If you don’t find a way to show up today—” I was about to add ‘or have a convincing explanation for why not’, but I realised someone like Devin would just work that loophole for all it was worth. “I won’t have anything more to do with you. I’ll move out of your mother’s place… you won’t know where I am.”
“I think I’d figure it out pretty quickly,” said Devin. I heard papers shuffling. “If it’s that important, Julia, I’ll see you after lunch.”
He disconnected on me. I was left there staring at my silent phone, thinking of what must have gone through his mind. I was sure he’d chosen that exact meeting time carefully, playing the game as it was offered to him. He knew I’d be left waiting, nervous, until he arrived: it was not long enough for me to go anywhere, but still long enough to drag.
Did I really have any reason to be surprised that Devin’s own mother was accusing him of being calculating?
Well, I could tell I’d already made a mistake with this. I’d let Devin take control of the situation again, completely overwhelm me.
The only thing I could do was decline to allow him to keep control. I got myself up and picked up the bits of mug, cleaned up the damage to the door as best I could, and sat myself down to binge on my favourite episodes of all my favourite shows while I waited. At first my enjoyment was completely forced, but as I rediscovered the jokes and crazy situations that had made me rank this or that episode number one, I found that mindset that I think motivates everyone who likes to get lost in shows. That conviction that nothing happening in your real life could really be anywhere near as insane as what was happening on the screen.
For me, that didn’t quite check out any more. But it didn’t stop me from feeling the usual comfort.
He didn’t knock, of course. Having an approximate range of hours in which to expect a visit was being well-prepared when it came to him and his family. I was even fully-dressed.
I paused my show when he made his way over to the lounge area, but I just tilted my head up at him, not standing. There he was in one of those gorgeous suits that seemed to be a part of him, no trace of dust or any blemish from the outside world to be seen. I knew he could be physical: this man in front of me had made love to me in a way that still made me want to curl my knees up to my chest when I thought about it, but at the same time I couldn’t comprehend it. I couldn’t believe what I had experienced for myself.
And now, I was wondering seriously what his secret was. There had to be something he was hiding, to contort himself so stubbornly away from something that felt like it could be so good.
“Julia.” I realised I’d just been staring at him, my jaw probably idiotically slack. “Did you really need me to set aside everything I was doing so you could confirm that I exist?”
I dragged my mind back to the question I was supposed to be answering here. “I—” I had been about to say straight-out that his mother had broken her promise to him, but I decided he didn’t need to know that. If he was not going to give anything to me easily, then I did not need to hand over everything he might want to know. “I heard an interesting rumour that needed confirmation. That the debt my parents have to you was never your debt in the first place: that you inserted yourself into their situation by choice.”
“My mother,” said Devin at once. So much for holding anything to me. “Interesting that you should try to keep her confidence.”
“Well it s
eems you will try to keep everything you know and feel to yourself and offer nothing to me… fair is fair, no?” I resented myself for failing so quickly to keep my real thoughts from him… but I already knew I was hopeless where he was concerned, so why not finish this up in the same style?
“She should not have told you I bought the debt,” Devin said. “You are not ready to hear the details of that situation.”
“Not ready?” I was out of my seat. I had wanted to stay calm, queenly… but there he was, pushing the buttons he knew worked best once again. “Am I a child, Devin? Am I five years old, to be constantly talked down to like this?”
He just stood there, refusing to give me anything even when the stakes were this high. But his silence suggested to me that he didn’t have a plan, either, couldn’t think what to do. That gave me an opening to lead.
Scheming, inflexible Julia had only ever gotten me so far. Hiding, sulky Julia an even shorter distance. I needed to tap into what was supposed to be in the middle.
“I suppose it’s not much more than what I deserve,” I admitted. “I spent so much time keeping guys in the dark about what was really going on with me. But all that time, I never realised I was a victim of the same thing. So I wish you would take a risk now, Devin. Be honest with me. Even if you think I am not ready for it, give me the chance to extend myself.”
Devin stared at the polished floor of his mother’s apartment.
“What is it you think you need to know, now that you have this additional information?” he asked.
“I feel like maybe this is more personal than you’ve admitted,” I said. “It’s not like, well, you were involved from the start, so you just had to make the best of it. You chose to get involved. According to your mother, you put yourself in a difficult financial position to get involved. That seems personal on a really major level. Like, you wanted to hurt my parents. Or…” I hated the stupid little thrill my body offered me at the thought that I had been his target all along. I really was messed-up, wasn’t I? “Or you wanted to have an excuse to take me. Maybe even to make this marriage offer.”