How would I be able to carry on if I could no longer see her gorgeous face, hear her laugh, smell her skin, or feel her touch? If I couldn’t run my fingers through her long dark hair, or stare into her deep brown eyes? To wrap my hands around her tiny waist or hold her in my arms after a night of mind blowing sex?
I sighed and sat down. Even though the chairs in the off
ice were cushioned, they still felt uncomfortable this morning. More than likely though, it was merely because there wasn’t a single thing that could comfort me at a time like this. I was too worried that I had ruined my chances of happiness. The thought made me feel sick, as I sat, agitatedly bouncing my knee and waiting to speak to my handler.
Last night, after Natalie had slapped me and stormed off to her room, it had taken every ounce of strength I possessed to not go after her and apologize. I had hoped she saw through my charade of indifference to understand that the decision to limit our relationship to professional terms had just about killed me. But she’d been too blinded by emotion and disappointment to notice.
And I knew there was nothing I could do about it until I got my career affairs in order. I couldn’t keep leading her on until I was sure we could have a real future together. In that moment, I just hadn’t been sure and felt that the uncertainty would only do us more harm in the long run. The absolute last thing I wanted to do was cause anyone harm.
Speaker Finley had placed his and Natalie’s lives literally in my hands. If it hadn’t been for him giving me this job in the first place, who knew where I’d be. I owed it to him to give my undivided attention to their safety rather than entertaining my own selfish personal wants and desires.
It made me cringe though, to wonder what Speaker Finley must have undoubtedly been thinking about me at the moment.
After a restless night on the couch, I knew that I did not want to be around for the aftermath when Natalie woke up. I hadn’t had the heart to face her again, so I’d made sure to contact Jones at the crack of dawn, asking that he come back before Natalie woke up. I had been on my way back to Speaker Finley’s place when my phone rang.
“Hello?” I had said, seeing the Speaker’s number pop up on caller ID.
“Hi Colt,” his voice had come over the other line. Immediately, I knew there was something off about his tone.
“Speaker Finely, is everything all right, sir? I’m in the car now, on my way over to your place. Did you need me to do anything for you before I get there?”
“No, Colt. Actually, I was hoping to catch you before you got here. I’ve just spoken with Natalie. I’m not sure what’s going on, but she requested to speak with the head of the security team.”
“Oh…” I’d said, my mouth having grown dry right on the spot.
“Do you know what this is about?”
I swallowed, not having the faintest idea what to say. So I lied. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, she sounded pretty upset. Now I’ve actually been contacted by the head of security, myself. Someone else has been sent on my detail for the day, and I’ve been told that if I spoke to you before your handler did, to let you know that you are to report to his office.”
I swore in my head. “I see. Thanks for the heads up, sir.”
“Keep me updated, Colt. I hope everything is all right.”
But of course, everything was far from all right. And my time to figure out what needed to be done to make it all right was quickly vanishing.
It had been a hassle to so abruptly change direction in order to head over to the security headquarters, but it’s not like I hadn’t know this was coming on some level. After all, that’s why I had left Natalie’s safehouse so early in the first place. I knew she would be ready to unleash pure hell on me for what I’d done to her. I had completely shattered not only her peace of mind, but her heart as well.
As I continued to sit outside of the office waiting for Jared to see me, I began to hear him shuffling about behind the closed door. After a while, I heard him on a phone call. My heart began to race, intuitively knowing I was the topic of the conversation. I knew I was about to face unemployment very soon for the careless antics I could no longer deny or take back.
Basically, I was about to get what I deserved.
Fuck.
The office door swung open. “All right, Colt. Come on in,” Jared said.
I took a deep breath, rose from my seat, and entered the office. It too, felt cold and unwelcoming, just like the waiting area.
My handler’s face lacked its usual friendliness. Although his act of optimism had annoyed me the last time I’d been in his presence, I now wished he would keep up the charade; it would have made the situation feel a little more tolerable. But then again, I didn’t deserve such comforts.
“Take a seat,” Jared instructed.
We sat down opposite of one another at the table, and proceeded to stare at each other for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Jared broke the silence.
“Look Colt—you’ve always been one of my best, so I really don’t know what to make of this. Can you tell me what happened?”
Another long silence occurred as I sat there, trying to put into words what I needed to say. Unfortunately, my mind was suddenly drawing a blank. Just moments ago, I had been prepared to tell the truth and face the consequences, hoping Jared would have mercy on me. I had planned to confess that I had indeed gotten a little too close to Natalie Finley, and that my professional judgment had momentarily been hindered as a result. I wanted to tell him that nevertheless, I still took my job seriously and didn’t want to be cut from the team—that I was invested in Speaker Finley’s safety, and that from now on, it was all I would focus on.