The entire thing was a blur. Natasha skidding the car into a parking space. Grabbing the food. Catherine shoving me into the bathroom. I looked down at the tests as tears dripped onto the bathroom counter. My head ached and my entire body was physically exhausted. I was hungry, but not in the mood to eat. The smell of my favorite sandwich turned my stomach in ways I wasn’t ready to admit.
Because admitting that meant admitting something else.
I sat down on the toilet in a daze and did what Natasha instructed me to do from behind the door. I peed into a cup, unwrapped all the tests, and dunked them in. I looked over at my incredibly small tub and a hot bath sounded great. I cleaned myself up and peeled my clothes off, then turned on the water. I eased myself into the bath and drew my legs to my chest, then buried my face in my knees.
“Can we come in?” Natasha asked.
“I don’t care,” I said.
The door opened, and I squeezed my eyes shut. The water rose over my skin and steam filled my nostrils. I wanted to fly away. To eviscerate into thin air and metamorphose somewhere else. Into someone else. I felt Catherine’s hand come down onto my back and begin to rub. Slow, circular motions that reminded me of the last time Ryan and I had been together. His thumbs on the pads of my feet. His arms wrapped around my back. His lips against my neck and his body rolling into mine.
Rhythmically.
Steadily.
Like the strokes of Catherine’s hand.
“It’s time. Want me to look at them?” Natasha asked.
But I already knew.
I already knew what they said.
I sobbed into my knees and Catherine wrapped her arms around me. My nausea was getting worse. I heard Natasha kneel down at my side and reach her hand out for me. I heaved against them. Prepared myself for the sickness I knew was coming.
Then I pulled away from them and vomited into the bathtub.
“Here. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Natasha said.
“We need to drain the tub,” Catherine said.
“Can you get me a towel? She’s shaking.”
“You think she can handle water?”
“It couldn't hurt. If she’s got some suckers anywhere, too, she might want one.”
“Towels. Water. Suckers. Got it. Drain the tub.”
“Already on it.”
I heard the drain guzzling the dirty water down and I opened my eyes. My eyes that were swollen with exhaustion. I saw the blurry vision of the pregnancy tests lined along the edge of the bathtub and I blinked my eyes. Forcing myself to look at the proof of what was happening.
All of them, lined up.
All of them, positive.
“What am I going to do?” I asked breathlessly.
Natasha helped me out of the bath and Catherine quickly wrapped me up in a towel.
“First of all, we need to get you to a doctor,” Natasha said. “Prenatal vitamins are key her
e if you’re going to keep the child.”
“Are you going to keep the child?” Catherine asked.
I felt my body teetering as a glass of water was thrust into my hand.