I think back to when Wolf had my blood, when he told me that I was his and he’d never want anyone else. I think about when he said once he fucked me, he’d claim me, and he did those things.
“Vampires can play it as casual as the next person but when they fall in love, when they really commit…it’s for life. And, Amethyst, the problem is he wants you for the rest of his life. Not for decades, but for centuries. For eternity.” She pauses. “The reason he’s acting the way he is, is because he knows that once he commits to you, it will be until the day you die, and you will die long before he does.”
“But Solon is committed to you for his life,” I say quietly. “And neither of you know how long you’re going to live.”
“I know,” she says sadly. “But Solon knows that the loss will be worth all the love. Wolf just has to figure it out for himself.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“He will. Give him time to work things out. He needs to figure out his own shit, deal with the loss, and I promise you he’ll come out the other side.”
“But I need him here now,” I say, practically whining. “This is the most awful time of my life and that’s when I need him the most.”
“He’s still there for you,” she says. “He really is. He’s just scared. He’s scared and he’s lost and he’ll find you when he gets strong enough, so as long as you take him back.” She pauses. “You will take him back, of course.”
I sigh, nodding, my heart ballooning in my chest. “Of course I will,” I whisper. “But now all his hesitation has given me time to think. I’m thinking about everything differently now, every single aspect of my life. And I’m wondering…if I could just become a vampire, he wouldn’t have to lose me at all. We really could be together forever. It would solve everything.”
Lenore stiffens beside me. “You would seriously do that?”
“Well, no. Because I don’t want to be a hungry nasty beast for two hundred years, running around and drooling on myself. I’d probably have to be chained up in the basement of the house and feast on human sacrifices.”
“You would get progressively more insane with each day,” she says gravely. “From the way Solon describes it, it sounded like pure hell. I can’t even imagine spending a day locked in the mess of a chaotic crazy brain, let alone centuries. He’s lucky he came out of it the way he did.”
“I know,” I say, that sorrow clawing my chest again, always just beneath the surface. How wonderful it would be though to live forever with Wolf.
Then I stop myself. Because to live forever (or close to forever) means living that long without seeing my mother again. And though I’m not religious, I do believe in the afterlife and I do believe that when I die, I get a chance to be with her. Maybe not in the same human form as we are here on Earth, but in some spiritual form, something that represents love. Our souls. I believe our souls will meet again one day, it’s the one thing I take comfort in.
But if I became a vampire, I would have to learn to live without my mom, not for sixty more years, but for eons to come. I’m not sure I could do that.
And that’s when I realize that’s what Wolf is going through right now. I’m asking him to love me now and grieve me forever. It hardly seems fair.
“Anyway,” I say, pushing my hair behind my ears, “that’s not something I have to worry about. Thank god, because if I could become a vampire without any of the crazy consequences, I’d seriously consider it and that would open up a whole other can of worms.” I let out a soft laugh. “I mean, really, I like my steak well-done, I hardly qualify for blood-drinking.” Lenore frowns and I add, “No offense.”
“No,” she says slowly, like something else is on her mind. Then her phone beeps and she glances at it. “It’s my parents. Still not hungry?” She gets off the bed.
“Actually, I am a little,” I tell her. “Though I would prefer to eat it down here, if that’s okay. I’m not up to small talk at the moment.” Lenore’s parents, Elaine and Jim, have been super helpful so far with all the rest of the paperwork and details that come with someone dying, going out of their way to help, but I’m not at the stage yet where I can talk about the weather over dinner.
“No problem,” Lenore says, heading to the door. She’s halfway out when she pauses, then turns around to look at me. “Amethyst,” she says, in a tone that makes me pay attention.