“How the fuck do you know that? Or are you just telling yourself that? Had you told me, I wouldn’t have gone to Shelter Cove. I would have stayed home and watched my mother, I wouldn’t have let her out of my sight.”
“And for how long?” he counters. “Forever?”
“Damn right I would have done it forever! If it could have prevented this.” My hands fly to my mouth, realizing it all. “She’s going to die, isn’t she? Because your father died.”
“No,” he says loudly. “No, that’s not a given. They bring death and misfortune. You saw your mother from the future, but there is no indication that she was dead when she visited you. Just injured. It doesn’t mean she’s going to die.”
I’m barely listening. “You could have told me. You should have told me. She wouldn’t be here right now, I would have prevented this, I would have stopped this from happening.”
“What if life doesn’t work that way?” he says quietly.
“I don’t give a fuck if it doesn’t work that way, okay?” I throw my arms out, knowing I shouldn’t be yelling, but fuck it, I’m in the fucking hospital and I shouldn’t be. My mother shouldn’t be here! “You know what, just get out. Go home. I don’t want to see you.”
“Amethyst,” he begins, reaching for me but I move back.
“No. I’m angry, Wolf. I’m really fucking angry. If she dies and I could have prevented this…”
“You’re going to blame me forever,” he finishes, and there’s so much heartache in his eyes that I immediately feel bad.
“I’m going to blame you for at least a little while,” I manage to say. Because deep down I know why he didn’t tell me, because he didn’t want to tell me for no reason and scare me, because neither of us knew it was my mom.
But even though that’s the logical part of my brain harboring that knowledge, it’s being overridden by my heart that’s being smashed into a million tiny pieces, sharp and cold and messy. I’m barely holding on.
“Please, just go,” I whisper. “Leave me.”
“I don’t want to leave you,” he says roughly. “I’m not leaving you.”
“Just fucking go!” I yell at him. Please, please just go, before I say something really cruel and regret it forever. I want to hurt him just for the sake of hurting someone, anyone. I want to keep lashing out and lashing out until these ugly scared feelings inside me have been exorcised.
But then I realize that they aren’t going anywhere. They’re here to stay.
This is how things are now. No changing that.
“Okay,” he says after a moment, nodding sharply. “Okay. I’m going.”
He lifts his palms in surrender and goes to the door.
The moment it closes behind him, I collapse on to the couch in a fit of tears. I didn’t realize how comforting his presence was until just now, how badly I needed him to lean on.
And now I’m alone.
Truly alone. Unmoored, floating in the darkness, no land in sight, no one coming to help me.
So alone.
And I’ve never been so scared in my whole damn life.
There’s something about the possibility of death, of losing the person you love most, that makes you realize how truly alone we are, not just in our lives, but in the world, in the universe. I think even if I had brothers and sisters and a loving dad and a big family beyond the found family at the house, I would still feel like a tiny shriveled speck of dust, moving through space, light-years from any other life.
I don’t know how long I lie there, just trying to breathe, trying to grapple with the utter loneliness inside me, when there’s a knock at the door. I stiffen up, thinking it’s Wolf, and the anger returns again. I welcome it in, a nice distraction from everything else. I’d rather feel angry than alone.
“Hey,” Lenore says softly, poking her head in. “Can I come in?”
I nod eagerly, my stomach growling once I notice she’s carrying two lattes from Starbucks and a small paper bag from their food selection.
She shuts the door gently behind her and then gestures her head to it. “Wolf is still outside, do you want to see him or do you want me to send him home?”
I shake my head. “Send him home,” I say, not wanting to see him, and yet at the same time I feel my chest grow warm at the fact that I wasn’t here alone. He was outside the door this whole time, waiting for Lenore to show up.
She pauses, listening, and then nods. “He’s gone.” Obviously, he heard me and left, and obviously she could hear him leave.
She comes over to me with the goods. “I would have been here sooner but I know you’ve had nothing to eat all day so I got you your favorite from Starbucks. The cafeteria food here sucks. Thanks for nothing, Zuckerberg,” she mutters.