“It didn’t?”
“I don’t think I’ll ever have peace. In reality, I know I’ve made something of myself, but in my mind, I’m still that kid trying to understand why my parents didn’t want me.”
I bowed my head, suddenly thinking about Kinley.
We didn’t talk about her mother anymore. It was one of those things we no longer discussed, it was an unspoken agreement between us. After I asked Kinley to marry me, she was left in the past. Along with that night that changed the course of our lives.
“I thought it would eventually go away, but when we found out we were having a boy, it resurfaced all this PTSD bullshit I didn’t know I still had.”
“You’re an amazing father. Boy or girl, you have nothing to worry about.”
“It doesn’t feel that way to me.” He eyed me skeptically. “What?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head.
“It’s not nothing. What’s up?”
“I never told you this, but my initial pull toward Kinley was the fact that she reminded me a lot of you. Now hearing you say all this, I can’t help but wonder if that’s how she feels. Like she’ll never be good enough for me.”
“There’s a big difference between Kinley and me, Christian. I had strangers tell me I was worthless and that they didn’t want me. With her, it was her own mother telling her those things.”
His words weighed heavy on my heart. I hadn’t seen her since we signed the divorce papers. We were both avoiding each other. There was nothing left to say, we’d said it all.
“That shit stays with you, Christian. For a long time, I worked my life away. And I think a huge part of you was doing the same. You had the beautiful wife, the perfect house, you’re a successful doctor, you have everything you ever wanted, yet it wasn’t enough. I think you need to ask yourself why it wasn’t.”
“I already know.” I paused, needing a second to be honest with myself.
Julian knew our issues of being unable to get pregnant and why. I’d told him after I started crashing at his ranch.
“I blamed her. Fuck.” I shook my head. “I still blame her.”
“Then why did you ask her to marry you?”
“Because I couldn’t live without her. Everything was perfect between us until we started trying to have a baby, and then everything just went to shit. It happened so fast, but at the same time, it felt like it happened in slow motion. Something shifted between us. It was small at first, but after months of negative tests, somewhere along the way, the disappointment turned into resentment. Our love became tainted with the past and her choices. My resentment for her not listening to me grew, and I tried to pretend like it wasn’t there, but Kinley knows me … she could feel it.”
“Resentment is a bitter motherfucker. Especially when you resent yourself. I spent over ten years kicking myself in the ass for what I did to your sister. Even now, I have no idea how she found it in her heart to forgive me, but I thank God every day she did. Autumn, Capri, my son, they’re my life. I’m a better man because of them. You see, Christian, you grew up with two loving parents, but Kinley didn’t. She’ll always be that little girl wanting the love of her mother.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’ll always be that little boy wanting the love of mine too.”
I thought about what he’d said for the rest of the day as the hours flew by, and before I knew it, I was walking into the courthouse, ready to once again fight for my wife.
Except the moment I saw her sitting on the bench with her head in her hands, I stopped dead in my tracks. She looked up as if she felt me, and the second her gaze landed on mine, she started bawling her eyes out. Her beautiful face was filled with so much despair and sadness that it caused a physical reaction from me.
The ache I felt in my heart was beyond crippling.
I was at a loss.
I did the only thing I could, I ran to her.
“Baby,” I coaxed, crouching in front of her on the bench. “I’m here, sweetness. I’m here.”
“Christian…”
She looked down at me with a huge hollow vacancy in her eyes while I pulled her hair away from her face.
“It’s not too late, Kinley. We don’t have to do this. We can tear up these papers right now and walk out of here together. I know it’s going to take work to fix what’s happened between us. We’ll fight again. You’ll call me an asshole, and I’ll tell you you’re being a pain in my ass.”
She softly chuckled.
“But I want that with you. Now, tomorrow, a month from now, a year, forever. You’re my home—you’ll always be my home.” I kissed her hands. “I’m sorry for not making you more of a priority. I’m sorry for not listening to your needs and wants. I’m sorry for not being a better husband. I’m so fucking sorry for everything, baby.”