But it seems worth it whenever I think about Ethan. I’ve spent so much time wishing for this exact scenario. Granted, in my fantasies, my dad was never an obstacle. He never had to exist when I was indulging in thoughts of his best friend.
But now, the reality is hitting me like a tonne of bricks. I found the strength to walk away from Ethan once, but perhaps that’s only because I knew deep down that it wouldn’t be forever. I knew deep down that I don’t have that kind of restraint. I want him so badly and it feels impossible to leave him behind. He’s meant to be mine.
I take a deep breath. I’m being selfish again, only thinking about myself. I should just lock myself away in my room until I can make it back to California. But what then? What if Ethan comes back to live in California? I’ll see him all the time, and pretend that I don’t care about him at all. How could I possibly see him hanging around with my dad and not be consumed by the misery of letting him go?
And what if he decides to find someone else? What if he settles for another woman, marries her, has the future with her that I want so badly? It would kill me to see him with anyone other than me. But I won’t be able to complain because, at the end of the day, I’m the one that walked away.
I put my head in my hands. It’s not fair. This choice is on my shoulders. He already chose me over everything, and I want to do the same. It’s just that the risks are so high. I think of my dad and my resolve hardens a little. I’m doing this for him. The best person in my life…
Apart from Ethan.
This decision is impossible. My brain is telling me to stick to my plan, but my heart is telling me to run to Ethan now. My heart is telling me that without Ethan, I can never be happy again. My heart is telling me that I didn’t just spend the last five years pining for him just to give up on him now.
I get to my feet. I can’t resist any longer. I can’t just forget about Ethan. He’s the one. He’s always been the one for me. I’ll never find a love like this again.
It has to be him.
I take out my phone and dial his number. I’ve been debating calling him ever since I left, but now, I hold my phone like a lifeline. I hope he hasn’t changed his mind. I hope he still wants me…
He picks up right away.
“Baby, are you okay?”
I almost collapse with relief at the sound of his voice. It’s so good to hear him on the other end of the line. I feel like I might cry.
But I need to pull myself together. I only get one last shot with him and I have to make it count. I’m ready to face the consequences. I’m ready to set my world on fire just to be with him.
“Ethan…will you take me home?”
I hear him sigh on the other end of the line. He’s as relieved as I am.
“I’ll come and pick you up right now, okay. I won’t be long. It’s so fucking good to hear your voice.”
As the call ends, I practically collapse onto the bed, overwhelmed by this whole thing already. I don’t know if I’ve made the right choice now, but I’m sticking by it. I have to. He’s worth all of the stress and the pain our relationship might bring. He’s worth upsetting a few people who can’t handle our relationship.
I want to be with him. I want to build a family with him and map out our future together. I want marriage, kids, early retirement together, and everything in between. I want to travel with him, to stay home and do nothing with him, to make love to him night and day…
And I want to lose my virginity to him.
It’s been on my mind for a long time. After we were intimate the other night, I craved more from him. I hoped we might make love that night, but I was scared of what it would mean if we did. It would make everything between us so much more real.
But this is real. There’s no turning back from this anymore. We’re in too deep. And now, I want everything he has to offer me. I want to feel him inside me. I want him to plant his seed deep in my womb. I want to cling on to him and never let go.
Because he’s mine. He’s been mine since my heart laid claim on him a long time ago. I’ve belonged to him too for as long as I can remember. And now it’s time for us to make this a reality.