“Mom.”
“B?”
I grip the edge of the counter. Tears well in my eyes and I shake as my stomach protests.
“She’s having a panic attack.”
I nod my head and walk away from their penetrating gazes. My chest loosens, and I focus on getting my breaths under control. Sweat beads on my forehead. I move to the bathroom, turn on the faucet, and splash my face. The cool water grounds me, and my breathing slows.
“What the fuck was that?” Jess whispers from the doorway.
I glance over at the two faces dearest to me.
“That was a panic attack. You want me to say I’m not okay, Whit? I’m not. Not by a long shot. But it doesn’t mean I can’t fake it because, at the end of the day, I’m still your parent. I’m the one who needs to be solid to help you. I’m horrified by your father’s actions. It makes me sick even thinking about it. It also makes me angry, frightened, and completely unsure of anything else. How could I spend almost twenty years with a man who could try to murder me? I have a lot going on beneath my surface, and I keep it locked up tight because if I don’t. I panic. You want real? There it is.”
“Mom, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“And I didn’t want you to. You think I like you seeing me like this?” I shake my head. “It’s embarrassing to not be in complete control. What happened shorted something inside me. I get antsy and nervous. I don’t like to be around crowds or men I don’t know. Freeze is different. He feels safe, and when I’m with him, I can relax. So yes, he’s important to me for reasons I can’t even explain. He’s scary at first glance, but really nice, at least to me which is honestly all I care about. Because if there’s one thing I learned about life is that it’s to be lived to the fullest every second of the day. Just not at your expense. So, please let me work my way up to this.”
“Alright, Mama. I’m sorry,” Whitney whispers.
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from.”
“I do. I didn’t mean to explode. I couldn’t take the silence that’s settled between us. I’m so angry at Daddy and confused. Why? Why would he do that?” Her lower lip trembles and I stifle the urge to pull her into my arms. She needs the chance to get this all out.
“We may never know, honey. When I looked into his eyes. The man we knew and loved was not present.”
She balls her fists. “I hate him for what he’s done to us. But he’s still my dad. How can I be loyal to you and feel like that?” She shakes her head.
“We’re able to feel a multitude of emotions at the same time. One doesn’t necessarily cancel out the other. No matter what happens, he will always be your father, and there’s plenty of good memories before this. I’m not asking you to choose a side.”
Her body shakes. “Mama.”
I rush forward and pull her to my side. She rests her head on my shoulder, and I smooth my hand through her light brown curls. She’s tall like her father at five-foot-ten-inches, with a slender waist, and my curves from the hips down. It’s a dangerous combination for a young woman, and I’ve had my shotgun ready for the boys since she hit thirteen. “It’s going to be alright, little bug. It’ll take time, a lot of therapy, and honesty, but we’ll get through it the same way we’ve gotten through everything else.”
She wraps her arms around my waist, and I peer over at Jess who slowly backs away, leaving the two of us to bond. The storm gates are breaking, and feelings are flooding over. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Chapter Six
Freeze
“Remember that hike you promised me?”
“Vaguely,” I say as I prop myself up on my elbow in the dorm.
“Well, I’m collecting. I put on three more pounds, and I’m going stir crazy in the house.”
“For the record, I like your shape just fine. When and where were you thinking?”
“Sunset Cliffs, if you’re up for the challenge.”
I sit up in bed. “You don’t think I can keep up?”
“Believe me. I’m not chall
enging you. I don’t need my ass handed to me my first time out in years. It’d be bad for my self-esteem.”
I smirk. “We wouldn’t want that.”