air grows thick. “I – I don’t want to think about it.”
“Then we won’t. But I need you to promise me if you ever feel unsafe, you’ll call me.”
The words warm me from the inside out, chasing away the chill that comes with thinking of Brooks. “I will.”
“All I needed to hear. I hope you’re in the mood for junk food because I’ve been craving In and Out for a few days now.”
Just like that, the dark cloud is placed behind us, and I have something to look forward to.
“How could I say no to In and Out?” I ask.
We end up eating outside and enjoying the sunshine.
“You seem tired today. Everything, okay?” he asks.
“I’ve been studying. I left my job as a Physical therapist about five years ago to raise my daughter, and I’m thinking about going back to it.”
“A physical therapist? I’m impressed, B.”
“I loved it. But it was demanding. You get attached to every patient and saying goodbye or seeing them reject their new limitations can be heartbreaking. I’ve been out of the loop for so long.” I shake my head. “I’m not sure I can step back in and pick up where I left off.”
“I think you could. You’re a strong woman. If you want this, you should go for it.”
I pop an animal fry in my mouth and chew on it thoughtfully. “You really think so?”
“I know so. You’ve got an almost maternal vibe to you. I’m not surprised your career involved helping people heal.”
“The best part about it was knowing I’d made a difference in someone’s life. I think we all want to make our mark on the world. This was my way do that and see it happen in real time.”
“The way your face lights up, I think you’ve already made up your mind.”
I push the animal sauce around. “Maybe. It’s going to be a game of politics to get someone to give me a chance. I been out the loop for a while and I didn’t keep in touch with my contacts.”
“Did you leave on bad terms?” he asks.
“No.”
“See, you’ll be fine.”
We finish our food in a relaxed silence. How messed up is it that I’m the only one with doubts about wether I can pull this off or not? When was I brought down so low? How the hell am I going to find my way back? It’s a maze of emotions, learned behavior, fear, and suppression. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. Dr. Adams told me that up front. I’m holding up a mirror and looking at my situation for what it really was. I may not have been afraid of Brooks physically, but emotionally I’d been walking around on eggshells for years. He was an emotional terrorist pressing buttons, causing guilt, and persuading me in an almost cult-like fashion that he had all the answers, and I just didn’t know any better, little country bumpkin that I was. I was so naïve. It’s probably why he chose me. Fresh out of high school, he scooped me up young, courted me through my years at school, and molded me the way he wanted. I didn’t know any better, and by the time I did, it was too late. We had a daughter, the perfect home, bills, joint property, and an image to uphold.
Deep down, I always knew he’d make my life hell if I tried to leave. Because no one messed with the Birling legacy. Until you crash landed it. What the hell were you trying to do, Brooks? Part of me fears he’s not done with me yet.
***
“Are you going to hide Freeze from me forever?” Jesse asks. I peer at her over my coffee mug.
“What? I’m not hiding him. I’ve been slowly getting a feel for him.” I set the mug down and shove a piece of bacon into my mouth. The crisp, salty piece of mapled heaven danced along my tongue.
“With or without clothes on?” she asks.
“Jesslynn!”
She giggles, and I shake my head. “You’re still so easy to scandalize, B. Seriously, though, it’s time for mama to get some good loving. That young’in looks like he could put a hurting on a girl. The kind that would have you limping and calling him Daddy.”
“You want me to embarrass myself, don’t you?” I whisper thinking of the vast difference of experience that existed between Jagger and me.
“Girl. The minute you tell him you’ve only been with your ex-husband, he’ll be all over that. He looks like a freak too. The kind that’ll put a spit polish on your pussy.”