I sigh. “What can I do?”
“Go back to physical therapy. Your certifications are good for ten years, and it’s been what six at most?”
“It’s been so long, Jess. What it if I just don’t have it in me anymore? I left because it all got to be too much.”
“No, the passion you had for helping people recover was second only to your love for Whitey. That kind of passion doesn’t just fade. You’ve been told too many times how you could be made better. I saw Brooks do it with my own eyes. His backhanded compliments and nitpicking. It wore you down over the years. I could hear it in your voice, and see it in your eyes. That’s over now. He’s gone. Don’t let him anchor you to mediocrity when you were born to rise above it all. I always knew you were meant to be something special, B.”
“Maybe then. Now I’m just trying to pick up the pieces.”
“Bullshit. Now you’re free to live up to your potential. Whitney is a big girl now. She doesn’t need you the way she did then. She’ll be off in college, and you can return to the field you love.”
Her eyes are so full of hope. I can’t bear to let her down. Not when she’s walked away from the summer season, and her home to pump me full of TLC.
“Alright, let’s check out the certificate and brush up on the rules and regulations for returning to work. Some things may have changed.”
“Yay.” She claps her hands together, and I laugh.
“You’re still incorrigible, you know that?” I ask.
“If by incorrigible you mean the best friend ever. Yes, I know.”
“You’re lucky I even have it.”
“Please, Miss Anal, fire box all my important documents. I knew you’d have it.”
I pull the box from under my bed. I set the black square on top of my comforter and enter the combination into the keypad. My hands shake as I open the box. I remove the Whitney folder and dig to the bottom where I packed away my life. I lift my black certificate holder and open it.
“Then it looks like you need to hit the books, bitch. Give yourself a time frame before you get back there. It’ll help you pull the trigger.”
“Six months?” It should allow me to get Whitney off to school and settle into life alone.
“B, you’re so fucking smart. You can do this.”
She’s always been my biggest cheerleader. I trail my fingers over the raised seal. I worked so hard to get this under my belt, and I loved my time working with patients. The total transformation from the first day under my care until the last was incredibly rewarding. It was also draining. Avoiding attachment was impossible, and not every case was a success story. It was part of the reason I decided to take leave of absence. Not everyone accepts their limitations. They let the hand dealt them turn them bitter, and take out their discontent and anger on everyone around them. I got two like that back to back, and it burned me out.
I’m ready now to return to helping others. It’s the best kind of therapy. Using your time, knowledge, and in my case hands to better s
omeone else’s life. Pride shoves away the hopelessness that’s settled over me. I worked hard to earn this certificate, and even harder to carve a name for myself in the field. I’ve seen amputees learn to walk with their prosthetics, children who’d been hit by cars regain their legs and independence, and new paraplegics learn to navigate the world in a different and completely foreign way. Those people had courage. They humbled me and showed me first-hand how the impossible was possible.
What I’m facing is a drop in the bucket in comparison. I owe myself more.
“You know what? You’re right. I can do this.”
“Hells yeah! That’s the B I know and love. Welcome back to the land of the living, sugar beet.”
I turn to her. “Thank you.”
“All I’m doing is holding up a mirror, so you can see the amazing, capable, and kind woman everyone else does.”
I lean in and hug her tight. Some folks just bring out the best in us.
“Now let’s get out a paper, write out a plan, and do some research.”
“Such a bossy booty.”
“No, I’m a boss bitch. There’s a difference, honey.”
I laugh and shake my head. “I love you.” Her complete acceptance of all things Jesslynn good and bad is refreshing and indicative to the girl I grew up with. It’s why nothing every shocked me. Of course, she opened her shop young and turned it into a successful business. She doesn’t take no for an answer, kills the naysayers with kindness, and works her ass off to get what she wants. It’s her philosophy of work hard, play hard that keeps her from burning the candle at both ends of the wick.