“I’m sorry, Mama.” He reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Are you going to be okay?”
“You’re not surprised by this, are you?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“The truth.”
“No.”
“Did you do this?”
“No. Told you his past was going to get him. That’s exactly what happened, and it stays between us.”
His voice has a hard edge I’ve never heard him use with me. “Of course.”
“Good. I know he was your pops, so I’m not going to speak ill of him.”
“No he was more a sperm donor than anything else. Media is going to have a field day.”
“We’ve got your back with that. I’m glad we made the move to my house when we did. Now, we won’t be moving abruptly.”
His nonchalance is chilling. Dealing with death and betrayal is something he’s had to do who knows how many times? I place my hands on my belly to steady myself as a war begins in my head. What kind of a person am I that I can stay with the man who had a hand in killing my father? The man was a fleeting presence in my life. He caused nothing but pain and heartache, but he was still my father.
“You’re quiet.”
“I don’t know how I should feel.”
“There’s no right or wrong. Are you happy he’s dead?”
“No! Of course not.”
“Then I’d say anything else you have going on is appropriate. He wasn’t some father of the year. He did some fucked up shit. Left you and your family high and dry, and played a huge role in what happened to your mom. That’s heavy.”
“I should be sad. At least a little bit. But I can’t even can shed a tear. I’m more worried about how it’ll affect us. Is the media going to stalk me down? Will they seek me, Rochelle and Mom out? My God, what would that do to her?”
“You have all these worries and concerns, but are they anything you can control?”
“No.”
“So all you can do is wait, see what happens and deal with it.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“No, I never said that it would be easy.”
His calm acts like nails on a chalkboard. “Maybe I don’t want to wait. I’m sick of feeling like my life is a series of chaotic events.”
“I think that’s the definition of life, babe,” he states calmly.
I lean back against the headrest and grit my teeth. I don’t want to lash out at the wrong person. None of this is his fault. I’m furious because I know I’ll never find closure. Why couldn’t you just leave, you stubborn bastard? You knew the risks better than most. Maybe that was it? Were you just tired of running? I don’t believe for one second he didn’t know HD was going to come for him. My throat tightens and I swallow. Even dead, the man is upsetting the balance my life holds.
Chapter Twelve
Skull
“Is there anything I can do?” I ask poking my head in the house.
“Just make sure the cooler is stocked and we’ll handle the rest,” Ruthie says.