“It’s not like I robbed a bank,” I say.
“Hah! I don’t know if he’d see it that way,” Ruthie replies.
“Dude, it’s not like I’m his Old Lady.”
“Hmm.” She pulls out of the driveway and floors it.
“What?” I ask, irked.
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit,” I spit.
“Look, don’t get pissy with me, Blue. I love you, but you have some serious issues with allowing yourself to be happy. You put everyone else first, and it burns you out. I think it must be pretty serious if the minute he gets out, he goes for you. He could’ve had just about anyone, no strings attached, and he chose the one woman he’d be seeing every day for who knows how long? That says a lot.”
“I was a warm body.”
“If that was the case, you wouldn’t look like you saw a ghost right now,” Ruthie says.
I turn my head away to look out the window at the scenery passing by.
“What are you so afraid of?” Ruthie asks after a moment of silence.
I examine the questions. Everything and nothing? “Of what this will do to the people I care about. How are people going to take this? Am I going to seem like a complete traitor, and,” I swallow hard, “how will I be any different than my sister?”
Ruthie swerves the car a little with her shock. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No, I slept with her ex, the father of her child who I’m going to be living with.”
Ruthie huffs. “God, you could fuck half the people in the club and be nothing like that evil bitch. She sets out to hurt, manipulate, and use people up, Blue. I know she’s your sister, and you love her. But I’ve watched this happen time and time again over the years. She’s jealous as shit of you. Always has been. Always will be.”
“But why? She’s the pretty one. She’s the preferred one. No matter what I do, they’ve handled her with a special level of care I’ve never received. She has everything.”
“Except respect, focus, a degree. That girl has one screw up after the other. If it weren’t for you, Shadow, and your parents, Bolton would be a mess, and she knows it. She hates you for that, too.”
I cover my face and struggle with the tears. “It fucks with my head. It always has.” My voice cracks. The ugly truth comes rushing out of the fissure that’s formed in my soul.
“Honey, I think they just knew she needed more. It was never a reflection of their love.”
I laugh. “No. You don’t know, Ruthie. Y-you haven’t seen how much of a bastard my father can be. He never comes at Calla the way he does me. I was stunned when he didn’t front the bail money. It’s the first tough love I’ve ever seen from him when it comes to her, and that was what? Thirty-four years in the making? I can never be enough. I can’t please him. So this? God. What would he think of this?” My chest aches and my body shakes with each sob. This is why I kept my distance. The club has a way of breaking people down.
The car stops, and Ruthie wraps her arms around me. “It’s not you. Whatever they choose to do is on them, and for their own selfish reasons. You’ve been holding this in for far too long. I wish I could take the pain away. Because you are amazing, kind, and brave. Don’t put this on yourself.”
I hiccup as I suck down air. I hear her words and understand the logic, but it does nothing to assuage the ache in my chest. I’ve always known there was something off about me. Maybe I never fit in the club right. Not like Calla, who lives and dies KOC. I close my eyes, wishing I could forget the way I feel. It’s a bleeding wound I’ve never been able to close. Shame fills me. I shouldn’t have shared this with Ruthie, it is my cross to bear. I sniffle and wipe at my eyes. “Ignore me. I’m exhausted and emotional.”
“Bullshit. I don’t want you to be alone right now, Blue.”
I blink and study our surroundings. We’re parked outside of my house. “I’m okay.”
“I don’t think you are.” She frowns. “Listen, I don’t know your world, so I won’t pretend to. But there has to be someone you trust who does. I want you to call them.”
“No.” I clear my throat. “This is not what we do. Falling apart over silly shit.”
“If it hurts you, it’s not silly,” Ruthie responds.
I can hear the exasperation in her voice. By her standards, feelings and hang-ups are important and should be dealt with so you can be a well-adjusted, happy, functioning member of society. In my family, things are different. This is small and petty. If it hurts the club, it gets squashed. This could cause an upset. I don’t want to be responsible for that.