“He wants to make things more serious and I don’t. This is my attempt at convincing him why we won’t work,” I say carefully to keep my voice light and playful for the baby’s sake.
“If he’s willing to stand up for you against this lot, he might be worth giving some consideration,” she suggests.
“There’s no spark there, Nevy. I tried to wait for my feelings to change. I attempted to tell myself that he’s exactly what I need, but none of it works. Continuing this would be stringing him along. I don’t want to be that girl.”
“I hear you. But something tells me he’s not going to give up easily,” Nevada says.
“You can’t fight for someone when their heart’s not in it,” I whisper.
“Make sure he knows.”
“I did, Nevy, trust me. If I’m anything, it’s upfront. He just doesn’t want to let go.” I sigh. Just my luck—the man who seems too easy going discovers a stubborn streak at the worst possible time. I kiss Vegas’ forehead and wonder if I’ll ever have this with anyone. I can’t blame Jamie for hanging on, when I’m sending out mixed signals. I need to be ready to stand alone. I wasn’t raised to be a frightened woman-child. My current behavior is embarrassing. I’m straddling the fence, trying to cover my ass to deal with what if situations. Life doesn’t work that way.
My clinginess embarrasses me. This is what running from my fears gets me. It’s time to face things head on.
Jamie
I can feel her patience is wearing with me. She’s going to cut me loose soon, and I don’t have anything to show. After a veiled threatening session with Wizard, the known enforcer, I’m left to wait for Blue to return. I make my way through the club, sipping on beer as I keep my ears open for meaningful conversation.
I make my way toward the dorms. If I’m caught, I’ll feign looking for a bathroom. It’s important to have a story ready. They consider me a stupid boyfriend who’s crazy for Blue. A twinge of guilt runs through me. She’s caught up in the middle of something much bigger than herself. I like her, but she’s a means to an end. I’ve been undercover for over a year, and I’m ready to go home.
But not empty-handed, not after everything I’ve lost at their hands.
The guilt disappears as I remember the broken shell of a woman Shannon
became after the Kings got a hold of her. They’d showed her no mercy. I had to finish this for her.
I continue down the hall. It’s too easy. The bodies are wall-to-wall, the music is loud, and the booze is flowing. I ignore the couple fornicating against the wall and memorize the layout. Suddenly, I hear whispered voices and slow down, straining to hear over the rowdy environment. Moving into the dark alcove where the walls meet, I hunker down and do my best to blend in. I’d worn black pants, and a black T-shirt for a reason. I zone in on the words guns and drop off.
Got you!
Chapter Five
Changes
Blue
This is it. I preview my empty apartment and try not to let the water spill from my eyes. This place had been my shelter. A haven against the storms life threw at me. I learned a lot about myself behind the safety of these walls. There was no protocol or reputation to worry about. Now I was going back into the belly of the beast I’d spent a year weaning myself away from. It was stupid to think keeping my distance and living in denial with Jamie would change what was in my heart and running through my veins.
“That’s it, Blue.” Jamie sounds like a child who’d had his candy taken away. I suppose in a way he had.
“Thanks for helping me move. You really didn’t have to,” I say.
“Yeah, I did. I want you to know you’re not alone. I get that you’re all about family, but I’m always here if you need anything.”
“I know the party freaked you out. But they’re my family, Jam. I don’t see them the same way you do, and they’d never hurt me.”
“I’m more worried about you getting caught up in the crossfire.”
I roll my eyes. He’d been like a dog with a bone about the club recently. I imagine it was because he blames them for taking me away. “Someday soon, some girl who’s perfect for you is going to make you very happy. I’m just not that girl. I know we want to stay friends, but I think some time apart would be a good thing, yeah?”
“If that’s what you want.” He runs the backs of his knuckle across my cheek. “Remember, I’m always here.”
“I know, Jam, thank you,” I say, gently resting my hand on his shoulder. “You were more than I deserved. I wish I could have loved you the way you needed me to. You’re my best friend, but what you need is more.”
He presses his lips together and gives a curt nod. “At least let me walk you out.”
“Of course. I’m not trying to push you away. I just…this isn’t healthy for either of us. I’m struggling to deal with all the new responsibilities laid at my feet, and you’re waiting in the wings for me to miraculously change my mind.” I shake my head. “It’s not right.”