Matthew’s mother was a feisty, petite woman who ran her household with a drill sergeant’s efficiency yet with hugs and kisses. She had dark eyes that seemed to constantly smile. Obviously the siblings had gotten their eye color from their father, who’d passed many years before.
His mother had invited several friends and neighbors. The house was crowded, loud, warm, exactly what Natalie thought a family gathering should be. How had Matthew moved away and missed out on so much love for so many years? Nothing in Boston could have lured her away from this lovely family.
Glancing his way, she noted Matthew wore a slight scowl as he surveyed the crowded setting. Maybe he’d hoped for a small family gathering to spend quality time with his mother and sister rather than all the friends and extended family his mother had welcomed into her home. Or maybe he was worried she’d be overwhelmed by the crowd.
“You have a beautiful family, Matthew. I envy you that.”
He raked his fingers through his hair, glancing around the room. “Don’t envy me this.”
“Your family?” she asked, confused.
“Being forced back here, giving up Boston, my life? This chaos isn’t what I would have chosen.”
“This?”
He gestured around the noisy room. Children ran around with parents yelling orders for them to “Be careful”. And “Don’t do that”. Several family members cleaned the kitchen after the birthday festivities. A handful sat in the living room, watching a sports game, except for one young father who had a sleeping baby on his chest and he was catching a cat nap, as well. Others had gone out to sit on the front porch, possibly to escape some of the noise.
“I shouldn’t have insisted you come here.”
She was having a good time, enjoying his family and the warmth with which she’d been welcomed. Natalie arched her brow. “You don’t want me here?”
“I don’t even really want to be here.” He looked around. His gaze landing on the dad with the sleeping baby on his chest. The skin pulled tight over his face, then he seemed to shake off his mood as he turned back to her. “You have to admit last night was a lot more fun.”
Natalie eyed him curiously. Last night had been fun, but so was this, just in a different way. Surely he understood that? Did he feel uncomfortable around his family? Or maybe he was nervous since he knew she’d grown up without any real family life.
“I’m good and enjoying meeting your family,” she assured him. “Besides, Carrie is having a great time with her cousins.”
Raking his fingers through his hair, he nodded. “You’re right, only...”
“Only?” she prompted.
At her frown, he tried to explain. “Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. My mom and sister are the best. Just, this makes me feel...” His gaze landed on where Carrie played a board game with her cousins and some new friends, then his gaze made its way back to the dad holding his baby. “All of this makes me feel inadequate in regard to Carrie and wonder what I was thinking to ever agree to any of this. Almost to the point of claustrophobia.”
Matthew knew he had revealed too much. He could see it in Natalie’s surprised eyes. But watching the women, the men, interact with their kids at this party had left him daunted at the reality that he alone was responsible for Carrie. For her mental, physical and emotional well-being. If he screwed up too often, it was that innocent little girl who would pay the price.
Maybe if he’d started at the beginning preparing himself for a father role he’d be better at it, feel semi-competent. As it was, more and more he found himself wondering if Carrie would be better off living with his sister. She’d talked about the option to adopt Carrie into her own family not long after Robert and Carolyn’s death, but Matthew had been reeling at the loss of his friends and hadn’t been able to bear the thought of letting Carrie go. That had been selfish of him. If he’d truly had Carrie’s best interests at heart, he’d have given her to Elaine, where she’d have had a nurturing environment.
“What makes you claustrophobic makes me nostalgic for something I never had,” Natalie said softly, disappointment in her eyes.
“You like this?”
She nodded. “You’re lucky to have such a great family. To belong and be loved just because you were born into this family. It’s something a lot of people never have.”
Something she’d never had.
At that moment his Uncle Kenny belched, a cousin high-fived the balding man and a couple of the kids yelled out, “Eww!” amidst giggles.
“Yep, lucky,” he mused, although none of his family’s antics had ever bothered him in the past. Today felt different.
“I always got the impression you were close to your family.”
“I am.” He was. “Now I’m the one overthinking.” He gave a low laugh, although he felt no humor. “Ignore me.”
Why the day had gotten to him so completely, he wasn’t sure. Just that more and more he felt inadequate in his thrust-upon role as Carrie’s parent, and being here among all these other real parents made him feel like the odd man out.
“Come on, Natalie,” he prompted, hoping to rid her eyes of the disillusionment. “Let’s take the kids out back to play.”
She looked uncertain. “Are you sure?”