A weird creeping sensation raced up my spine. Here I was being honest with Elaine, but had I been truly honest with Gideon? The chilly work outside hadn’t chased away the feeling I’d had ever since Gideon had left that I’d screwed up somehow. I hadn’t told him I liked it better when he was here, had pretended to be perfectly fine with him leaving. Maybe that hadn’t been the best course of action.
“I know. Brandon’s so worth it.” She patted the back of my hand before glancing over at the neat stack of her presents on the edge of the island. She slid the jewelry case closer to herself, tracing the embossed saying on the top. “Thank you for trusting me with his heart.”
“Take good care of it,” I said gruffly as my brain whirred. I’d agreed with Gideon that the line on the jewelry case was perfect, but had I truly understood the words? The L-word was big and scary, and I couldn’t think too hard about it or my pulse sped up to alarming levels. But I also couldn’t deny that I cared about Gideon. And I hated that I couldn’t say for certain that I’d taken good care of his heart. I wasn’t sure exactly what Gideon needed—space or reassurance, or whatever—but I hadn’t spent a ton of time trying to figure out those needs either.
“I’ll take care of Brandon. Don’t worry.” Elaine’s eyes were still on the case, dreamy and faraway. She was undoubtedly lost in another wedding daydream, but I wasn’t entirely sure wanting a white dress was the same thing as wanting Brandon, specifically.
“If you’re not sure…”
“I am.” Meeting my gaze, she leaned forward. “I know I scared him by not answering quickly. But it wasn’t because I didn’t want him. Rather, I want this so much. I’ve played the moment out in my head so many times. I knew it was coming, but then it was actually here, and I was overwhelmed.”
“You knew?” My mouth pursed.
“Well, I didn’t know for sure it would be this trip.” She made a vague gesture with her hand. “But we’ve spent the last few years dreaming and scheming together. I certainly dropped enough hints. And before you say it, yeah, I could have been the one to ask him.”
“But where’s the fun in that?” I guessed. She and Brandon did seem to have a lot of fun together. A big wedding was hardly my own definition of a good time, but planning it as a couple sure did seem to make them happy.
Happy. Was I doing enough of the things that made Gideon happy? Not simply folding him into my life, but was I giving Gideon room to be Gideon?
“Exactly.” Elaine nodded. “I was curious as to what he might do for a proposal. The daydreaming about possibilities was fun. And to be frank, he’s often in the lab for long hours. We both are. I’m pretty sure he goes days without remembering I exist.”
“I’m sure he remembers you exist,” I protested even as my chest twinged. Fuck. It really was easy to take someone for granted, wasn’t it?
“Ha. When he’s wrestling with a problem in his head, he’s been known to forget pants. But I’m the same way. We bump around for weeks at a time without remembering to tell each other how much we care.”
Huh. I’d been operating on the assumption that Gideon had had the same realization as me, that we were accidentally dating. I’d let my own dislike of awkward conversations keep me from putting into words that which I’d presumed was obvious.
“I guess I can see how that might happen.”
“Exactly. I know it’s terribly cliché, but I wanted to know I meant so much to him.” Blushing, Elaine glanced away. “I was always going to say yes, but the asking, that mattered, if that makes sense.”
“It does,” I agreed slowly. Damn it, why did everything come back to communication skills I wasn’t sure I had? But I couldn’t argue with her point. Speaking up mattered.
“I’m sure it seems like I’m one roll of tulle away from going full-on bridezilla, but really, the joint project of wedding planning is going to be fun.” Her eyes sparkled as she made an excited gesture. “And incorporating all his favorite things like costumes, that’s how I show him I care too. Because I do.”
“I know.” My tone came out more growly than I’d intended, so I worked to soften it. “He’s lucky to have you.”
“Eh.” She shrugged. “We’re lucky to have each other.”
“Yeah.” My voice sounded as far away as my thoughts. Luck. So much of my life had been defined by bad luck, an act of fate that changed everything, but there had also been plenty of good luck along the way. Maybe I wasn’t always the best at seeing those lucky things. Like Gideon.
“Do I smell hot chocolate?” Brandon came bounding down the stairs.
“Right here. I’ll heat your cup back up.” Leaving her stool, Elaine put a mug for Brandon in the microwave. “How was the shower?”
“Excellent. I think I came up with the perfect concluding paragraph for my dissertation.” Brandon bounced on his feet, holiday slippers slapping against the hardwoods. “And some neat ideas for wedding favors.”
“We are not handing out lightsabers.” Elain gave him a stern look.
“Darn.” He slumped onto the stool next to me but then brightened. “Commemorative towels?”
“Brandon.” She added to her death glare with a wrinkled nose and pursed lips.
“You two need to come with a geek culture dictionary,” I grumbled.
“Didn’t you pay attention to any of the movies I made you sit through?” Brandon asked with a laugh.
“I was usually multitasking. Bills. Homework for my business classes. Bids for clients,” I admitted, looking down at my empty mug. “Never enough hours in the day.”