“I still feel bad for not knowing,” I confessed. “I’ll probably always feel bad about that.”
“You’re not the only person it’s happened to. I did some research. One woman I read about had no bump, was still on contraceptives, and fit into all of her clothes the whole way through.”
“And you didn’t even look pregnant,” said Lena. “I saw you every few days or so the month before you had him. There was no big belly or anything to give it away. Your breasts were bodacious, but hey, they always are.”
“You notice my breasts?” I asked.
She gave me a wink. “You know it, girl. You rock my world.”
I laughed quietly. But the doubt and anxiety still remained, dammit.
Anne grabbed my hand. “I repeat, extend yourself some grace, Evelyn.”
“None of us are perfect,” said Lena. “And being a mom is damn hard.”
“That’s a really good point.” Anne rubbed her thumb over my knuckles. “Think about it, Ev. Being hard on yourself, especially right now, is unfair. There’s no way you’d tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone else. Dealing with a newborn is incredibly difficult. And on top of that, you just gave birth.”
“They did tell me it usually takes up to a year to physically and emotionally recover from that,” I said.
Anne gave me a gentle smile. “There you go. If you’re not going to listen to us, then listen to the people with medical degrees.”
I nodded, giving her fingers a squeeze. “Thank you for putting up with my whining.”
Lena grinned. “Anytime.”
* * * *
Anne was giving the baby a bath when I woke up hours later. Marvelous hours full of much-needed sleep. Thank fuck for friends and found family. The city lights shone bright outside, and my head was clearer, my body lighter and energized. “Hey there. I haven’t felt this good in ages. Thank you again for staying.”
“You needed the sleep. You’re looking a lot better.” She lifted the baby out of the little bath set up on the dining room table and wrapped him in a waiting towel. “And I’m happy to help. Tommy doesn’t slow down long enough for lots of cuddles these days. He’s all go all the time like his father.”
“I bet.”
“Hello, Cash,” she said. “Is that your name? Do you like that one?”
My son’s little pink tongue made an appearance.
Anne frowned. “I’m not sure what that means. It could be yummy or it might be a rejection.”
“He’s going to have his name for the rest of his life,” I said. “I don’t want to get it wrong.”
“It’s a big decision.” She put the diaper on him before buttoning his onesie. “Nothing smells like a newborn. So soft and tiny. Aren’t you, precious one?”
“You miss having a baby?”
“It’s a big decision.” She sighed. “It feels like we’ve only just gotten things under control with Tommy. Like we’ve finally gotten a handle on the situation. Adding a child will be like throwing a hand grenade into the mix. They’re such hard work. But I do want another.”
I nodded.
“Though it does get easier, Ev.”
“I believe you.”
Lena left earlier to go to work, leaving Anne here to help. Lena had a photo shoot at a new bar in town. Which just went to show that life didn’t have to be all about being a mother. You could also have a career. Achieve things for yourself. Being a mom wouldn’t always be quite this demanding, which was good news. As much as I loved my son, I still wanted to be me and have my own interests and have time for my husband. Heck, there was a lot to think about. My brain had been scrambling to keep up since the baby appeared. Guess it was partly a result of nil preparation.
He stared up at Anne with his big blue eyes. Hopefully they’d stay blue like his father’s. I think our son was a pretty even mix of David and me, but it was hard to say who he really took after. Time would tell. His mouth worked like he had a lot to say but couldn’t quite get it out, so he’d settle for blowing bubbles. And my heart felt about two times too big for my chest.
“I can’t wait to see him smile,” I said with a grin.
“Oh, yeah,” gushed Anne. “And to hear his first word.”
“Yeah. Talking of people needing to bathe, which we weren’t really,” I said, “do you mind if I have a quick shower?”
“No. Go for it. We’re good here.” Anne smiled at the baby. “Aren’t we, Reed? Is your name Reed? What do you think of that one?”
My son just blinked and sucked on his little fist.
“I’m not sure he’s down with it.” I smoothed his little tuft of soft dark hair back. “We’ll figure out a name for you eventually, mystery boy.”