‘I hate you, Jake,’ she told him passionately. ‘I hate you more than I’ve ever hated anyone else in my whole life…’
And before Jake could stop her she ran out of the room, pulling open the front door and flinging herself back into her car.
‘Lucianna,’ Jake protested, but she had already got the engine started and short of dragging her out of the vehicle and forcibly manhandling her back into the house Jake knew he had no option other than to let her go.
He had been right to dread Lucianna’s reaction to last night and more than right to guess that she would blame him; that she would be distraught with guilt and despair over what to her would be a betrayal of the love she believed she felt for John. But he’d been wrong, it seemed, to think he could talk to her about it—help her, reassure her.
Halfway back to the farm Lucianna suddenly pulled up and stopped the car. There was no way she could return home looking and feeling as she did right now.
Dry-eyed, she stared unseeingly into the distance. What she felt hurt too much for tears. What she felt right now went so deep into her heart and body that she knew the pain would never ease, that she would never get over Jake’s rejection of her, that she loved him so much, that…
Lucianna’s teeth chattered as her body shuddered under the uncontrollable waves of pain that struck her. She loved Jake and suddenly, like someone whose vision had previously been blurred and distorted without them being aware of it, now that she had the benefit of true clarity, real vision, she could see and understand how shallow and childish, how laughable in so many ways the love she had claimed she had had for John had actually been.
She hadn’t loved John at all, didn’t love him at all…What she had loved had been the idea of being in love, of being loved in return, and she had imagined love between a man and a woman as something gentle and passive, something that would be a comfortable, simple part of her life without really touching her or changing her.
She couldn’t have been more wrong. Love wasn’t like that at all; love wasn’t sweet and gentle, easily malleable, allowing itself to be manipulated and set neatly into the controlled framework of one’s life.
This love, her love, was a tumultuous force, an overpowering, overwhelming surge of emotion and need that affected every single part of her life and every single particle of her. Love was pain and despair, a helpless sense of longing and need, an endless grieving for what she could never have, the person she could never have.
Love was…Jake.
But Jake didn’t love her. Jake didn’t want…Jake didn’t need her. He didn’t even particularly like her. He hadn’t been able to wait to remind her that John was her boyfriend.
John. Lucianna frowned as she tried to summon up a mental image of him and discovered that she couldn’t, that his features simply refused to form, that behind her tightly closed eyelids the only features which would form were those belonging to Jake.
Jake frowned as he watched Lucianna’s car disappear in a cloud of dust. She was an exceptionally good driver and very little other traffic used the quiet country lane which linked his home to the farm, but even so, in her present mood, she was all too likely…
He reached into his pocket for his own car keys and had just got to the door when the telephone rang. For a moment he was tempted to ignore it but he knew it would be the call he had been expecting regarding a joint venture he had recently entered into and which hopefully, if necessary, would bring the estate some valuable extra income.
Reluctantly he replaced his car keys in his pocket and went to answer his call.
It was almost an hour before Lucianna felt composed enough to return to the farm. The anger and hurt pride which had fuelled her furious flight from Jake had been replaced by a dull, numbing emptiness which enclosed her in a protective but oh, so fragile bubble—so fragile that she was instinctively cautious about allowing anything or anyone to get close to her in case they accidentally damaged it and allowed all the pain it was holding at bay to swamp back over her.
Janey, who had seen her park her car, watched her walk slowly and carefully towards her workshop, all her female instincts aroused by the pall of despair that seemed to hang over her like an invisible cloud. Putting aside the pastry she had been mixing, she made two mugs of coffee and carried them both out to where Lucianna was working.
Lucianna looked up apathetically as her sister-in-law knocked and then walked into her workshop, carefully placing the tray of coffee on an empty space on the workbench.
‘I don’t know what I’m going to feel like in five months’ time,’ Janey groaned conversationally as she sat down. ‘I feel huge and worn out already…’
‘You don’t look it,’ Lucianna assured her, putting down the manual she had been trying to read and studying Janey instead.
In fact if anything her sister-in-law looked positively blooming, her happiness at having conceived so apparent that she positively glowed with it. Already, too, Lucianna had noticed a difference in her brother. It had always been obvious how much David loved Janey but now…now he treated her as though she was the most precious, fragile, wonderful woman who had ever walked the earth.
As she looked at Janey, suddenly, for no reason at all that she could think of, Lucianna felt her eyes fill with sharp, hot tears. Quickly she turned away before Janey could see them, pretending to busy herself with some papers whilst Janey continued lightly, ‘Jake rang about half an hour ago wanting to know if you were back. He sounded rather concerned…’
Jake, concerned about her? That would be the day…Concerned, more like, that she would ignore his warning and tell Janey and David just what had happened.
‘He mentioned that John’s coming home earlier than expected.’
‘Yes,’ Lucianna agreed stiffly and uncommunicatively.
Janey frowned a little as she drank her coffee. Something was quite obviously upsetting Lucianna, but knowing her sister-in-law as she did she felt reluctant to pry too deeply. On the other hand, if Luce wanted someone to talk to…
‘I expect you’re feeling a little bit nervous and uncertain about seeing him again. In the circumstances that’s quite natural…and—’
‘Nervous…of seeing Jake? Why should I be?’ Lucianna demanded savagely, forgetting the tell-tale signs of her tears glittering in her eyes as she wheeled round and glowered miserably at Janey. Despite everything he had said to her Jake had obviously said something to Janey about what had happened between them, probably to get Janey to reinforce what he himself had already said to her. Poor Janey. Even though she might not realise it, she was being used by Jake just as mercilessly as Lucianna herself had been, albeit in a very different way…
Janey’s eyes widened in confusion as she listened to Lucianna’s angry tirade.