In the peace of Philippa’s kitchen and in the warmth of her bed he had found a pleasure and sense of relaxation he had long ago forgotten existed, simply holding her and talking to her, knowing that he would be listened to, that his opinions and views were valued, that he was valued; he had felt a sense of companionship with her, of closeness to her, that had brought into painfully sharp focus the emptiness of his relationship with Sally.
‘You’ve got a wife… children’, Philippa had told him softly.
He had known what she was saying.
Six months ago he would have shrugged aside her comment, telling her that his children barely knew he existed, that it was their mother they related to, but now things were different and yet Sally was still just as critical of his relationship with them now as she had been in the days when she used to accuse him of not taking enough interest in them and not spending enough time with them, of being jealous of them; only now she complained that he spoiled them and undermined her authority over them.
In fact, she had changed so much recently that she no longer seemed like his Sally, the girl he had fallen in love with and married.
* * *
Sally tensed as she heard Joel opening the kitchen door.
She was constantly on edge in his presence these days, terrified that she would somehow betray herself and that he would guess what she was doing, and yet, at the same time as she feared his discovery of her relationship with Kenneth, another part of her felt very let down and angry because he was so oblivious to what was happening to her, to the fear and panic that swept over her like lightning, piercing the dull, thick cloud of an oppressive, overcast sky, sharply illuminating changes she would really rather not have seen.
Some days she felt as though the Sally who was so drawn to Kenneth was someone who wasn’t really a part of her, but rather a dangerous stranger who took over the real Sally, and then at other times it was her life with Joel that didn’t seem real.
Sometimes when she looked at Joel she was overwhelmed by a feeling of panic, of her life being out of control, and the small, tight pain inside her became a huge, enveloping feeling of anger and resentment against Joel for being so oblivious to what was happening to her, for being deaf and blind to the fact that another man wanted to take her away from him.
But then Joel wasn’t really interested in her feelings, was he? The leisure centre and the new friends he had made there—that was all he wanted to talk about.
A small knife-sharp pain twisted inside her as she remembered a comment one of the other nurses had made the previous day.
Everyone knew that Donna fancied herself and that she was a bit of a man-eater, always hinting at having men running after her, and normally Sally didn’t pay much attention to anything she said, but yesterday she had made a point of seeking Sally out and saying purringly to her, ‘I saw your Joel down at the leisure centre yesterday… he certainly looks good in a pair of swimming-trunks, doesn’t he? I wouldn’t mind getting a few private lessons from him myself,’ she had added.
Joel had always been an attractive man and Sally had never been blind to the looks he attracted from other women, but this was the first time she had actually felt threatened—and upset by another woman’s interest in him.
And yet why should she be? Surely the very best thing that could happen now was for Joel to find someone else. That way she would be free to go to Kenneth without feeling any guilt.
‘You are going to be mine,’ Kenneth had promised her. ‘I won’t let you go. I need you, Sally,’ he had told her.
Once Joel and the children had needed her, but not any more. These days they scarcely seemed aware of her existence, she recognised bitterly.
Watching their children with Joel, she felt sometimes as though she was an outsider, invisible and unwanted, and her feelings gave her a frightening feeling of disorientation, of not, somehow, actually existing.
It was Kenneth who made her feel real… who made her feel she was important to him.
‘But how will they manage without me?’ she had whispered to Kenneth when he’d told her that he wanted her to leave Joel.
‘How will I?’ he had asked her in return.
‘You’re late,’ she told Joel, interrupting the conversation he had been having with Cathy.
The look in his eyes as he glanced at her over their daughter’s head hurt her somehow.
‘I’m sorry,’ Joel apologised quietly. ‘Neil wanted to discuss a new training programme he wants to try with me and——’
‘And that was far more important than getting back here so that I could leave for work on time,’ Sally interrupted him bitterly. ‘It’s all right for you, Joel—you can do as you please; your time’s your own. I don’t have that choice—I have to go out to work…’
Sally actually loved nursing and she enjoyed the companionship of the other medical staff, but with the family financially dependent on her, and the increasing talk of cuts having to be made and of jobs being lost, didn’t Joel realise how frightened and alone she felt?
She had always loved her home, too, but these days it didn’t somehow feel as though it was hers any more.
It was Joel who had suggested that it might be an idea to put up a dado rail in the living-room and to redecorate it, Joel who had noticed that the bathroom tiles needed regrouting and suggested that it might be an idea to consider replacing their shower with a modern and efficient one.
‘And how are we supposed to pay for that?’ she had demanded.
The phone rang just as she was putting on her coat and she froze as Joel went to answer it. She saw him frown and then replace the receiver with a brief shrug.