“Sure,” I finally say. I turn, and she’s already standing, stretching her arms over her head, and cracking her fingers. When she’s done, I hand her the carton of eggs. “You can scramble these.”
She seems happy to have been given a task. I should be including her more often, but thinking something and doing it are two entirely different animals. I do enjoy having her around, but it’s too easy to compare her to Rebecca sometimes. Just last night, she told me off just how Rebecca used to do. I’ve always needed that, but since Rebecca died, I haven’t had it. It just makes it all the easier to let Kacee fill that spot, even though that’s my biggest fear.
Kacee hums to herself while she makes the omelets, and Evie doesn’t seem upset when she comes out of her bedroom to find that Kacee’s here, too. She gives her a hug and climbs into her chair to yawn her way through some milk before Jackson joins us. Penelope shows up for breakfast, and she seems delighted, though she knew Kacee wasn’t going anywhere.
“I’m just glad to hear it is all,” Penelope says when Kacee calls her out on it. Kacee makes eye contact with me and rolls her eyes. I forgot what it was like to have a friend that wasn’t a relative.
“All your stuff’s in the truck,” Penelope tells Kacee once we’re done eating. I dry the dishes as Kacee washes them, the two of us move like a well-oiled machine. Kacee was right last night during her rant. I do need the help, and it feels good to have it, even if I never admitted it. Penelope’s watching us carefully as we stand inches apart, so I try to appear innocent even though I’m not actually doing anything wrong.
“I can bring it all in so you have room for the kids,” I say over my shoulder.
“Daddy said we can come with you!” Jackson tells Penelope, excited to go. Kacee pats him on the shoulder, and he turns and looks at her. “He said we have two whole hours!”
“Two hours is a long time,” Penelope cheers, clapping her hands together. “Finish up and get dressed, we have some shopping to do! And maybe ice cream!”
The mention of that causes Evie and Jackson to squeal with joy. Before I know it, they’re rocketing to their rooms to get dressed. While they get ready, I grab the three large suitcases Penelope packed for Kacee and bring them to her room before my kids haul Penelope and Kacee out the door.
While they’re gone, I catch up with work details to distract myself. Keeping busy distracts me enough that almost no time passes before Evie and Jackson are back home. I wasn’t nervous that the kids were gone and the thought makes me realize how much I trust them with Kacee. When she walks in with her shopping bags, she smiles at me, and I smile back. It feels for the first time in years that everything is going to be okay.
Once Penelope leaves, I cook dinner, and the rest of the night goes by quietly as Kacee unpacks the rest of her things. I almost want to ask her if she needs help but decide against it to give her some space.
Kacee and I effortlessly fall into a routine. She wakes up when I do if she’s not up before me. She even has a pot of coffee brewed when she does, and we drink it together while we make pad around the kitchen, making breakfast. I’ve been noticing the side-glances and tension, and even the hint of blush that hits her cheeks when I say something. It’s a long shot, and probably one I shouldn’t take, but maybe she’s just as attracted to me as I am to her.
It’s hard to not think about it. Especially when she’s in my house around the clock, strutting around in shorts and tank tops and dresses. She’s naturally beautiful, I’ve thought that since I first laid eyes on her, but with her being the kid’s nanny, it seems inappropriate.
One early morning as we’re drinking coffee and watching the sunrise, Kacee points out the window toward the hill beyond the lake. I used to go up there after I moved the kids up here, just to gain some perspective and think for a while. It’s quiet and secluded, and I don’t get to visit it enough.
“I want to hike it one day.” She doesn’t take her eyes off it.
“We should,” I tell her, without thinking. “When the weather’s nice and we have some free time.”
She’s unusually quiet. I peel my eyes from the hill and look at her. She’s smiling at me, and I hope she doesn’t get the wrong idea.
“With the kids,” I hurry and add.
She hides her smile behind her coffee mug, and I try to force myself not to feel embarrassed. Blushing is her game, not mine. I’m six-foot-four and built like a brick house. I don’t blush.
It’s not even just me who enjoys Kacee’s company. Evie and Jackson clearly adore her too. Once the kids wake, we make breakfast and eat before I head to my office for a few hours. Afterward, I work outside usually, but I sneak glances of them through the windows when no one thinks I’m watching. They play games and do their studies throughout the days. Kacee reads them stories by the fireplace, which I’ve been keeping well stocked since it’s been getting colder. They play dress-up, and Kacee cheers them on even though they look horrendous.
Lessons are done every day, and I can already see the positive differences in Evie and Jackson. Evie’s consuming book after book while Jackson’s finally able to read the comic books Kacee gave him. The two of them are actually starting to learn math too, and it’s incredible to see them both grow and develop.
Because I’m dehydrated, I go inside to get a glass of water and lean in the open entryway between the kitchen and the living room and watch them. Kacee continues reading with Evie and Jackson curled up in her lap. Both of them quietly listen with little smiles on their faces, which is so contagious I find myself smiling too. I can’t help but think how happy I am she’s here, but the feeling is abruptly overwhelmed by sadness and guilt.
I’ve been keeping Evie and Jackson from having these experiences because their mother isn’t here to do it with them. They should have both sides, even though I know they love me more than anything. They haven’t had anyone else. They haven’t had a female figure in their life, until now. Kacee’s the closest thing they have to a mother because Penelope never wanted to step out of the role of the “fun aunt.” They never had a woman there to discipline them and teach them and love them, all at the same time, until Kacee.
Though I’m lost in my head, Kacee notices me at the same time, glancing up and smiling at me. I don’t know how to finish my thoughts, and I’m saved when Evie and Jackson notice Kacee has stopped reading and is staring at me.
“Come listen to the chapter, Daddy!” Evie calls to me. Jackson pats the spot beside him, and I figure work can wait. I take the place Jackson’s offered and listen to Kacee read, trying to forget about any other thoughts or feelings and focus on the happiness I feel being with my kids.
Once the chapter is finished, I add in a few comments and make my way back outside. I feel Kacee’s eyes boring into the back of me. There’s too much tension and too many unspoken words.
I spend the rest of the afternoon and evening thinking about Kacee. I try talking myself out of it, but no matter what, she filters her way back into my mind.
Considering I’ve been working all day, as soon as I walk in, I tear off my shirt and head toward the shower. By the time I get out, Kacee has dinner made. As soon as she
sees me, she fixes me a plate. When I glance at her, I realize she’s fixed her hair, put on a different outfit, and is even wearing makeup. I swallow hard noticing how she’s dressed up for me, which makes me nervous as hell. Our conversations stay short, and I have a feeling she’s just as nervous as I am.
After we eat and the dishes are clean, the kids take their baths, and we each read them a story of their choices. Once they’ve finally fallen asleep, we meet back in the living room. I sit on the couch, watching the flames lick the brick of the fireplace I built and she smiles as she hands me a glass of wine. Though she’s been here for over a month, I can barely remember a time before her.