At the shore, she padded in and was surprised how cold the water was, backing up immediately to catch her breath, then standing in the drowned sand letting the small waves swirl around her ankles.
She couldn’t let this silence with Jake go on. It was clear he wasn’t going to say anything. He’d barely been able to look at her all day. He’d gone all strong, silent type, and that’s how he probably planned to play out the rest of the tour. It wasn’t only the hangover that was making her feel miserable—it was the weight of the lie that lay between them. Why couldn’t he yell at her and then they could fight it out? This sucking it up thing he was doing was hard to deal with.
This was even worse than fighting with Rand, because no matter how bad the fight, Rand would always forgive her. Together they were unconditional. When they fought, she’d yell and carry on, and he’d wait til the storm passed, then they’d calmly sort out whatever was wrong. That was their pattern from the time they were kids. Unless it was Rand who was angry and then all bets were off, but even then, whatever it was, they got through it together. Always.
The problem with Jake was that no matter what she tried, the result was so uncertain. He didn’t have to understand her, forgive her, agree with her, or when it came down to it, bother to argue with her. He didn’t even have to tell her what he thought. He could just walk away and, judging from the way he was treating her now, that’s what he’d decided to do. Well, she wasn’t going to let him do that without a fight, even if he turned his back on her—she was going to try.
She took a deep breath and steeled herself to trudge back up the beach to him. By the time she got back to the boardwalk she’d know exactly what to say. She pulled her feet out of the wet sand and turned to find him sitting not a dozen paces away.
Rielle stumbled and Jake looked up, catching her uncertainty, but not reading anything else through her big glasses. He caught himself wondering what she’d been thinking while she’d stared at the horizon, and then watching her trudge through the soft sand towards him thought—what does it matter?
Before she reached him she said, “You don’t understand, Jake.”
He sighed. This again. “What don’t I understand?” his voice hardened, “wait, it doesn’t matter whether I understand or not.”
“It does.”
“To you, maybe.”
He saw her anger flaring in the way her shoulders came up and body stiffened. “Right, because you can shut off and not give a flying fuck just because things don’t go your way.”
He scrambled to his feet, and closed the distance between them, flicking sand up everywhere. “What the hell does that mean? Could you try and keep your voice down?” She’d managed to be anonymous til now, but if she kept shouting it’d be a whole different ball game.
“You have this notion about what I should be and I don’t live up to your expectations. Talk about me being a control freak.”
He was shocked, the truth of what she said slapping him in the face. He did want her to be different and he was disappointed she couldn’t show him her truth, her real self. He clenched and unclenched his fists, struggling to know how to react.
“I know, Jake. I know you found me out. You know my eyes are green, my hair is blonde, and that I don’t have such good teeth. But you don’t understand why I do it.”
He chose rage. “I don’t care why you do it,” he barked.
Hands thrust on her hips she said, “That’s a dirty lie.”
“Who are you—living a lie—to call me a liar?”
“I live a lie because it’s the job.”
“Ah.” Jake shook his head in disgust at her continued deceit. “This conversation is so over, we’re going back to the hotel.” He turned his back on her.
She shouted, “No, it’s not over. We’re not over.”
He wheeled around. People were looking their way. He kept his voice level. “We were never anything to be over.”
She took off her sunglasses, flashed those fake violet eyes. “I feel this—this thing for you.”
He snarled, “Well that’s your problem, darlin’.” And this time when he aimed for cavalier, he precision nailed it, and her flinch was his reward.
But she wasn’t done with him. She spoke low and hard, her voice rasping in anger. “I live a lie because I don’t like the person I am, and not being her all the time is the only way I can get by. I live a lie because I’m stronger this way. I’ve had to make up this life, Jake. There was only Rand to help me and he was making it up too—we were just kids. Can you possibly understand how hard that was—how hard it was for us to be here and not on welfare or in jail or dead?”
Jake was breathing hard, as if he’d run a soft sand marathon.
“No, I didn’t think you could.” She took a step towards him, thrust her chin up. “Being this Rielle Mainline is the best I can do. The other one is just regret, a pale imitation, and if you can’t accept that, then yeah, you bastard, you’re right, it is my problem.”
She tried to step past him, but the sand was loose and it was hard to move quickly. He caught her in two easy strides, snatching her arm. She pulled against his hold, without turning around. “Let me go.”
There were plenty of eyes on them now. He needed to get her out of here. “I’m sorry.”
“Too easy, Jake. I don’t do easy.” She broke away, but he stepped around her and blocked her path.