Her breathing was all broken up, choppy like the sea. He took another step back and another and another, then turned to face her. Her shoes were off, her sunglasses, her hand was over her mouth and she shook like the wind was inside her.
What could he say? What would she understand? He took a step towards her and she nodded, turned to pick up her shoes.
“Stop.” He put his hand out. He no longer wanted her to go. He needed to explain.
She straightened up but kept her eyes down. She was ready to run, her shoes in her hand. His reality was bad enough; he couldn’t send her off with nightmares.
“I would never jump. I would never kill myself. That’s too easy. You don’t need to worry about me. You need to stay away.”
She sobbed aloud, then clamped a hand over her mouth. Her eyes were shocked into hard marbles, glistening wet and fixed on him.
“I’m sorry.” Useless words. He’d said them so often and they’d never mattered, but he didn’t have any better. “I’m bad news for you. But I won’t hurt myself.”
She heaved a breath. “I don’t believe you.”
He took another step away from the edge, closer to her. He could smell sweet white flowers; her perfume. He lifted his hand to her, wanting to take the fear away, not knowing how, but she reached her hand out too and their fingers brushed, then her hand was in his, like that one time before but different too, because this time she truly knew to fear him and still she touched him.
And he couldn’t take it. It mattered that he’d scared her. It mattered that she was here. He closed his hand around hers and stepped closer. She dropped her shoes. He watched as her breath settled as she blinked slow, squeezed her eyes to stop them tearing up.
“I am sorry, Foley.”
She lifted her chin, her hand squeezed his. “If you ever do that again I’ll …” She was so fierce, but she knew she had nothing to threaten him with. She launched herself at him, slapping his chest and arm. “You fucking scared me. You fucking great shit of a man. I thought you were going to jump and it would be my fault.”
He let her hit him, shake him, his arms at his sides, until she exhausted herself, one hand resting on his chest. “I have never been so scared in my whole life. I nearly wet myself.”
If he’d been a better man he’d have known how to soothe her, known how to hold her. She was so slight, so small compared to him, but she was stronger, so much stronger. When she broke away he thought he might fall. “I’m sorry.”
She lifted her face. “Can we sit? I need to sit for a minute. My legs are made of wobble.”
He let her go. The longer he had her, the harder it would be. He took off his shirt, wet but the driest thing he owned, and wiped the couch down, made a place for her. She sat beside him, and they both faced out at the ocean. She should want to be on another planet to him.
He closed his eyes. “Why did you stay?”
“I didn’t think you’d hurt me.”
He’d never wanted to hurt anyone. Never meant to. But he’d been the architect of such pain for so many.
“I know you won’t hurt me,” she said.
How could she have that belief, that faith, after what he’d just done? “I am not right, Foley. I am not good and you can’t be around me.”
“I don’t believe that either.”
“Belief is ridiculous. It’s like sea spray. It’s nothing of substance.”
“You’re calm now. You got angry because I broke my promise and then you—” She shook her head. “I hate that you did that thing on the edge, but I have no choice but to believe you don’t want to kill yourself if you tell me that’s true.” She put her elbows on her knees and hid her face in her hands.
“Why did you come?” It should’ve been the only thing that mattered; what made her lie, break her promise, but she didn’t understand the only part of the promise that had mattered to him was not seeing her again.
She sat upright again. “I need to tell you about something that makes it unsafe for you to be here.”
He could hear distress still in the hesitant quality of her voice. “Go on.” She took a deep breath, fortifying herself. He knew she was watching him, measuring. “I won’t shout at you. You can tell me. I’m back in my head now.”
“Too many people know you’re here and someone started a petition. Hundreds of people have signed it. They’ve formed an action group. Neighbours for Resident Safety. They say it’s not safe for you here and they want council to make you move, even if it means having you arrested. They want council to board up the cave so no one can use it.” She put her hand down on the couch, too close to his, but kept her eyes away. “If it was ever safe for you here, it’s not now, Drum.”
He moved his hand to his knee and looked out at the horizon. It was raining out there. “When will they arrest me?”
“No one is going to arrest you. It’s all meaningless if you move. It will all go away.”