I feel Cash’s body go completely still, almost like he isn’t even breathing. I turn to look at him, and for the first time I see a look I’ve never seen on his face before. Panic. Or maybe it’s guilt.
I turn all the way around and straddle him. His hands come to my face, cupping it. “I can’t let you go. I knew a little about your past. I asked the agency. They told me you were broke and didn’t really have much of a choice. I’d actually told Earl that day to send you back. Give you some money and tell you I’d changed my mind. I could have given you an out when you got here. Helped you get set up or something, offered you just a job here, but I was a selfish bastard. All I could think from the moment I laid eyes on you was that I had to get you down the aisle and tied to me. Then that wasn’t enough. Now all I can think about is putting a baby in you. Then you really could never leave me. You’d be stuck here forever. Mine. I even stole your birth control pills that first night you passed out. You’d left them in the bathroom. Flushed them right down the toilet so there would be no finding them. Even as I tell you this, I know I’m not letting you leave here, even after my confession. I can’t.”
I study him for a second, then burst out laughing. I’d actually completely forgotten about my birth control pills. Probably because I wasn’t used to taking them to begin with. I know I should probably be mad, but that’s Cash and his brute caveman antics. It’s one of the things I love most about him.
“Why are you laughing? I trapped you here.” His hands drop from my face, and he runs a giant paw through his hair.
“No, that’s not how you trapped me here.” I giggle again, making him turn his scowl on me, the one that doesn’t work on me like it does his farmhands. “The way you love me, the way you make me feel, those are the things that make me want to stay with you, Cash. That’s how you kept me here, and you keep doing those things. I’ll never leave.”
I feel him relax, some of the tension leaving his body. “You’re never leaving here. Period.”
“Okay. I’m never leaving,” I confirm. He takes my mouth in a deep kiss. There’s no finesse or seduction to it. It’s a kiss filled with pure emotion and relief. Like he’d been hanging onto this one thing that might take me away from him, and now that tension has shattered.
He pulls away, both of us out of breath as he rests his forehead against mine.
“I’ve been so lonely, too. Hell, you saw that attic. It hurt coming home at night, so I put as much of my parents as I could away so it wouldn’t be so hard. It didn’t help much. I miss them, but I think I was longing for what they had together. I thought I’d never have it. It was like a double punch every time I walked into the house. I’d lost them and I’d also somehow lost the possibility of replicating their happiness for my own.”
He places another kiss on my lips. This one is soft, like he needs to finish what he’s saying.
“Now I can’t get back home fast enough. Hell, I remember the first day I went out knowing you were back at the big house. I was busting ass to get shit done so I could run back and just check on you. I was thinking you might change your mind and leave. I just wanted another look at you to see if you were real, or maybe I’d finally gone crazy and dreamed something up. I’ve spent the last few years trying to stay out of the house, and now I can’t seem to get myself to stay away from it. You did that. That’s why I can’t let you go. I need you, Clare. You brought me back to life. I can’t go back to just working myself to death. That’s what I was doing. Up at first light, working hard all day so when I got home all I could do was eat, then hit that bed and crash.”
I feel my eyes start to water, a lump growing in my throat.
“I love you, Cash. You make me feel like the most important person in the world.”
“You are.”
This time I kiss him. I can feel the tears run down my cheeks.
“Don’t cry. Want me to get you all riled up?” he teases, making me smile.
“How come you never tried to?” I sigh, not sure why I’m asking this because I don’t think I want to know, but another part of me does. “You know, like meet a girl or something. Not like you’re bad on the eyes. June couldn’t have been the only girl in this town.”
Cash’s cheeks show a hint of red. Is he blushing? No way my dirty-talking cowboy is blushing at my question.
“Cash,” I push, really wanting to know now.
“I already told you I wasn’t girl crazy. I was always on my horse or helping my pa. I’d gone to the city one time with some of the farmhands. They like to head to the bars a few times a month to let loose. Well, I let a little too loose my first time. Drank a little too much and felt it for three days. I never took them up on going out again.” He takes a deep breath. “Then I lost my parents and all my energy went into making sure I made this farm stay alive. Make them proud.”
“What are you saying, Cash?” He couldn’t be…
“I don’t think it bothered me because I never had it, so I clearly didn’t know what I was missing. No, Clare, I’ve never been with anyone but you.”