She takes one look at me and catches me just as I am about to greet the floor with my face. “I, I can’t do this Carol. I can’t watch. What are they saying?”
“They have been reporting the same thing for an hour now. They won’t release anything concrete until they have talked to family. That’s how they handle things like this. How about some tea? Want me to make you some tea?”
“No, I don’t want any fucking tea!” I don’t mean to snap at her. I know she is only trying to help. It’s only been one week since I lost my mom. Fate cannot be this cruel, can it?
“This is entirely my fault, I pushed him too far. I killed him Caroline! I killed Jace’s father!” I cry out unable to hold my emotions back.
“Hush, hush with that talk. You did no such thing, child. You didn’t do that.” She points at the wreckage on the screen. “I’m going to take Jace to the park for a bit, will you be all right if I leave you here alone?”
“Yes,” I sniffle. “I won’t do anything stupid, I’m all Jace has left.”
She places a kiss on my forehead. I can’t bring myself to look at Jace right now. He looks so much like his father. All it took was one picture for Brian to know he was his son. Why didn’t I let him sleep on the couch? I should have offered but he was drunk, and I was afraid he would try to take Jace. He wasn’t thinking clearly. Everyone will blame me, and they have every right to.
My phone chimes, it’s my daddy calling.
“Hello,” I answer through broken sobs.
“Sis, I take it you’ve heard the news.”
“Yeah, but the news hasn’t confirmed anything.” I try to choke back my sobs and talk to him.
“I didn’t want to tell you like this, but it’s true. Brian’s gone. I just talked to his Aunt Reba, the one who works at the bank.”
My phone hits the floor. I just want to curl up right here on this ugly yellow floor and die.
“Aria! Aria! Answer me, damn it.” I hear my daddy shouting my name repeatedly, but I can’t talk to him. He is going to ask me why Brian was here, when he already knows the answer.
“I, I have to go.” I hang up on him. He keeps calling me, but I don’t have the strength to answer.
When Jace is old enough to understand, he will hate me. He is never going to forgive me. And Brian died hating me. “He died hating me,” I keep repeating the words to myself but they aren’t sinking in fully. Losing my mother was fucking hard, but this is unbearable. Faye was in pain; she was ready to go. But Brian, he had his whole life ahead of him. He is supposed to be meeting his son for the first time, not being pulled from a ditch. How will I ever tell Jace about this? He will never understand. Hell, I don’t understand. I just want to hit something or someone. I want to break something.
I shakily pick myself up from the floor. I start breaking anything within my reach. Dishes, mugs, pictures, “NONE OF IT MATTERS!” I cry out with all I have.
I slide back down to the floor sitting in the shards. Flecks of broken glass are digging into my skin, but I can’t feel the pain. I don’t know if I ever want to feel anything ever again. If it weren’t for my son I’d go into my mother’s medicine cabinet and end this hell now.
My phone won’t stop chiming. “Shut the fuck up!” I slam my phone down on the floor. I’m not sure how long I sit here in the floor crying and screaming at myself. I will never be able to make things right now. “It’s not fair, it’s not fair!”
I feel a gentle squeeze on my knee. I look up to see Tyler crouched in front of me.
“Sugar, I am going to pick you up and set you on the table. Then I am going to look at your legs, you’re bleeding.” Standing up slowly he cradles me in his arms. The glass is crunching beneath his feet. Gently, he seats me on the dining room table.
“Don’t move.” I do as he wishes; I don’t have the energy to do anything right now. I’m numb. I almost feel completely dead inside.
“Where’s Jace?”
“Caroline has him,” I answer robotically.
“Here’s what’s going to happen. First, I am going to clean the cuts on your legs. Secondly, you are coming home with me. I don’t want you to be alone right now. Third, I am going to call Caroline and see if she can keep Jace overnight, and if she can’t I will take care of him.”
I look at Tyler, wondering what I did to deserve his kindness. “Why are you here?”
“Because, I care about you and there is nowhere I would rather be. Look at me, Aria.” He firmly cups my chin and holds my red, strained eyes captive. “You matter to me, and right now, I want to be here for you. Let me be here right now, for you. Let me take care of you. You don't have to be strong all the time.”
“I don’t deserve your kindness Tyler. But, I am selfish, so fucking selfish! I do need you, right now. I don't know how to do this. I—”
“Shh...I’m not going anywhere. Things might be awkward between us, but I still love you. I love you, Aria, and Jace. I love you both so much it hurts. My pride got in my way. I knew you needed to see if there was something with Brian, but fuck my pride, it's hurt bad. But, I didn't want this.”
Tyler just said he loves me, I am sure he doesn’t mean it in the way I want him to mean it, but it is something to hang onto right now. God, do I need him right now.