She kisses me between her sobs, and I know I have to give her what she wants…what she needs me to do right now. It’s killing me, but she’s right. We can’t keep doing this to each other.
“I’m sorry, Amaya. I love you, you’re right, this isn’t working anymore, for either of us,” I say the words that have been haunting me for the past month.
“I love you too, Tate. I always will.” She cries into my shirt, breaking me apart from the inside out.
I stroke her back as she clings to me. I’m afraid if I let her go, she’ll disappear altogether.
“Promise me, you’ll keep in touch. No matter what, I’ll always be here for you. I don’t care what hour or day it is. If you need me, I’ll be there,” I vow. I never knew that love could hurt like this. I feel like someone is raking nails through my veins as I watch her slip away and pray that it isn’t for good. Because one day, when we’re both settled, I know we can find our way back.
“I promise. As long as you promise the same.” She cries.
Amaya kisses me and her lips tremble against mine. This all feels so wrong, but I can’t stop it. I can’t take it back now. This is the last time I’ll be able to make love to my girl, and I’m taking advantage of it right now.
I kiss her tenderly, taking all that I can. Soaking up every single ounce of her I can to hold onto. I brush her hair back from her face. Unshed tears glitter in her eyes, and I just want to take the pain away from her, from both of us right now.
Gently, I pull her shirt over her head and unclasp her bra. She lays back on the floor, and I ease her yoga pants down her slender legs, revealing her gorgeous body that belongs to me. It will always be mine. She will always be mine, no matter where life takes her, she’ll be marked by me.
I shove my pants down, already eager to be inside her.
I take my time, kissing her all over, from toe to head before we make love. It feels like it’s for the last time, and I have to choke back the urge to tell her “no, that she can’t go.” Instead, I push inside her so damn deep as her legs circle around me.
As I pump into her, the tears I’ve been holding back fall freely. With my head cradled against her neck, I whisper how much I love her. What I don’t say though, is how much I need her, and how badly I wish she’d choose me. I desperately need her to take it all back and choose me—us.
Nothing or no one will ever compare.
I know she feels it too as she hiccups a sob, saying, “I love you, baby. I love you so much.”
Our bodies move together, slick with sweat and tears. I’m unraveling from every seam. It’s not supposed to be this way. She’s my big bang. My forever.
I thrust deep inside her, hard but slow, not wanting this to end. I’m not ready to give her up, but deep down I know I have to. It’s the right thing to do, but I want to be selfish. I want her to be here with me.
“I’m sorry, Tate.”
“Me too, baby. Me too.” I pull out and slam back in. She clenches around me finding her release and I soon follow.
I’m exhausted by the time I get off, both mentally and physically.
We get dressed quietly, tears still covering her face.
“I’ll wait for you, Amaya. Whateve
r it takes,” I swear, and she nods, pulling her rollaway through the door.
Chapter 32
Amaya
Tate wanted to drive me to the airport, but I told him no. If I allowed him to, I might not have been strong enough to get on this plane. I’m doing this for both of us. That’s what I keep telling myself as I stare blankly out the window, brushing my stray tears away. I love him so much it hurts down in my bones. I’m hurting so damn deep, that I’m not sure I will ever get past this.
I don’t know what I’m doing. Tate won’t wait for me. He’ll fall in love with some cheerleader or something, and all I will be…is a forgotten memory. A girl he used to bang. Grief floods me as I put my earbuds in and let music take me away.
I lay my head back and close my eyes. All I can see is Tate’s hurt expression. The tears staining his cheeks. I press my fingers to my lips still feeling our goodbye kiss and wishing I could bottle it up forever. My tears fall steady as rain as I look back on our relationship. I don’t think I will ever have that again. I don’t want it. It hurts too much.
Fuck love.
Fuck Tate King.
I want to hate him so much right now. I wanted him to chase after me. I wanted him to tell me to stay. I wanted him to get down on one knee and ask me to be his wife. I wanted him to tell me to go off the pill and have his baby. I wanted all that, but I didn’t tell him. I should have told him, but we are so young. He’s just getting started in his career. He wouldn’t have the time to dedicate to me and a baby. That would be way too much pressure.