***
Killian approaches me. I’m staring into the fridge, chewing the inside of my cheek.
“Hungry?” he asks.
“I don’t know if I’m speaking to you.”
His eyebrows rise. “No?”
I ignore him and stare into the fridge. Lots of choices, but which one will hurt the least when I throw it up?
I sigh. “I’m going into work tomorrow to talk about my situation with them. But you might have messed that up for me, which makes me want to yell at you, but I’ve chosen instead to not get angry, not shout and get myself worked up, but believe me, I’m not happy. They might not want me on their team anymore because of your threats.”
He shrugs. “Better for you. You don’t need that bullshit.”
I slam the fridge and spin to face him. “I need some normalcy in my life. I need to have something in my brain besides all the torturous thoughts for company!”
His expression drops and he moves toward me, which makes my heart race. I lift my hands to block him, but it doesn’t work and he engulfs me in his arms, putting his mouth to my forehead.
“Let’s sit down and talk this out then. Get to the bottom of it, get a plan in place, and then move forward, putting it behind us.”
“Behind us? How? How can I possibly ever put this behind me if you’re still in my life?”
He looks deep into my eyes with anger. “I’m always gonna be in your life. You’re having my baby.”
I look away.
“Do you want this baby?” he asks quietly.
I gulp down a painful swallow.
He puts his index finger under my chin, then tilts it so our eyes meet again. And I see fear in his.
He’s afraid I don’t want it. That I’ll – what – get rid of it so I can get him out of my life?
I’m locked in that gaze, feeling pain at his expression and I feel myself almost melting, wanting to take that pain away.
But then he lifts me by the hips and sets me on the counter and immediately I get a flashback to him fucking me the day we got back from our honeymoon. And that memory should make me happy, make me swoon. Instead, I’m thinking about how he recorded it and played it for Ray.
“Let me down.”
He lifts me down and sets me on my feet, waiting for my answer.
“This baby is here. Growing inside me. How could you ask that? Were you there last night? Did you see how scared I was?”
His expression clears. “You’re pretty angry with me. Not sure if you’re more angry at me than feelin’ anything else. Let’s work this out.”
“Work it out? You just put me on that counter and instead of thinking about that moment between us the day we came back from Italy and how much I loved it, how much I’d been wanting it, I’m thinking about how you showed that to him! My ex. Who is in your basement with a gunshot wound, with teeth knocked out, with, with…”
His expression drops and his hold on me loosens.
“And now you’ve made me stay here last night, which hurts because I don’t know how to be around you right now. And you’ve probably just cost me my job. How do I work that out? And how do I work any of it out? If you let him go, you go to jail. If you keep him in there, that’s wrong too. And I’m certainly not gonna say the best thing to do is get rid of that problem, because no matter what Ray did to me or to you, I can’t ever justify murder. And how can we talk it out and me remain calm? I don’t wanna hurt the baby by getting upset, but all the things in my head are gonna do that anyway.”
He stares for a long minute and I can’t read his expression. I’m not sure if I even have the ability to accurately read him.
I finish with, “I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. If I can even believe that you really love me.”
His eyes flash with anger. “I can’t believe you’re questioning that. Has our relationship been plastic and superficial? Or has it felt real?”
“It felt real,” I whisper. “So real.”
“Because it was. It is.”
“But that’s why this hurts so much. Did it feel real because I’m a loser who didn’t see the truth staring me in the face?”
“Stop that. The truth? The truth is that I married you because I want to spend my life with you. I threw out your birth control pills because I want a family with you. I told your boss off because it’s my job as your husband to protect you and that bitch was gonna stress you out and cause you and our unborn child potential harm.”