He leaves the room and I turn over and stare into the darkness. All that wondering I did about how dangerous he was, I had no idea. So naïve.
He wants things to be the same with us, for me to let him just ‘deal’ with Ray. How can things ever be the same?
***
I wake with my phone trilling my normal work alarm and feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. I’ve probably slept two hours, max, and not even a solid two-hour block, either.
My first thought is the word deceit. My second thought is that Ray is in the basement here at a place that’s supposed to be our happy place, our oceanside escape. The place we’d planned to say our vows again in front of my family. His brother. A huge party with everyone we love.
He was planning to… what? Keep lying to me, letting me think life is a dream with Ray down there? Would it have continued even up to and including next spring when we’re supposed to say our vows again?
Telling me to decorate the house how I like but let him worry about the basement. To stay out of there because ‘no girls allowed’. Yeah. Right.
If I hadn’t caught on to something being amiss, would he have committed murder before our vow renewal then and I’d never have been the wiser? And if Ray were gone, would he even keep me around? Because if he can’t rub Ray’s nose in it, what’s the benefit for Killian?
I rise and trudge over to the door that leads to the second-floor deck that looks over the water, but when my hand lands on the knob I see that Killian is outside, standing at the shoreline, no coat on despite that I feel the cold coming through the window. His hands are stuffed into his pockets, and he looks to be in contemplation.
I dress quickly in the pair of jeans I left here on the weekend as well as a hoodie and thick socks. I’ll wear my old bum-around sneakers back. I’ll go back, change again and then get into the office. That’s what I need. Work. Normalcy. Shara was super-cranky about me leaving early yesterday without asking and about not coming in today, not to mention that she’s been cranky in general lately, so while work should be the last thing on my mind, it’s something I’m gravitating towards. I need to just go in, work for a bit and let my mind out of the prison it’s currently in, where I’m thinking only about him, about Ray. About this situation.
I’ll get out of here, get to work, and then… then I don’t know.
My chest feels like it’s caving in.
It hurts so much to look at him out there. It hurts so much to think of who is downstairs and what this all means.
It also hurts because my period is due and it’s not late yet, but my boobs are tender, and I have this feeling… this hunch about that and I can’t even acknowledge it right now.
12
Killian
I’m walking back to the house when Violet steps outside, coat and shoes on, purse over her shoulder. I stop a foot in front of her because she freezes and holds her hand out.
“I need my keys.” The wind whips her hair around. She doesn’t look at me.
“Why?”
“I have to go to work. Shara is being bitchy about me being AWOL. As you know since you went through my phone. My keys, please.”
“Fuck the job. You don’t need it. I read her texts and she was a bitch.”
Our eyes meet and they match this morning. Bloodshot. Tired. Troubled. No, troubled isn’t a strong enough word. Violet’s eyes are expressive and what I see? Devastated? Ravaged? Completely wrecked?
And it’s my fault.
“I need to go… need to go do my job and… and…” She huffs in frustration.
The sky groans and immediately, the rain is coming down. In buckets.
“I won’t let you go off, on no sleep, driving over an hour and a half back to the city, and...” I let that hang.
“And what? Not let me go in case I’m gonna tell someone about your… your secret?”
“That’s not what I was thinking. I was thinking that I don’t want you away from me while you’re upset. Let’s get inside.”
“I need my keys,” she demands.
I wrap my arms around her, not giving two fucks about the rain. We’re both drenched already. I then hold her face and look into her eyes, trying to show her with my expression how I feel about her. She looks at me like she doesn’t know me and that fucking kills.
“I don’t want space between us when you’re like this. I want to make this better. In order to do that, we need to be in the same space. Come inside.”