I wait. She says nothing so I continue, “You just want me to do what you want me to do, right? That’s unfair, baby. His actions affected both of us.”
She looks away.
“You telling me you’re not ticked it could’ve been us all this time?”
“It’s pointless to get caught up on stuff I can’t change,” she mutters.
“Yeah, but when you find out someone intentionally fucked you, you don’t wanna pay them back for that?”
She says nothing so I continue. “When I found out he played me? When I saw the fuckin’ hurt he caused someone who could’ve been mine three years ago? That shit fucked with me. It fucked with me, Violet, and I had to do something about it.”
“And that’s how you justify your lies? That you’ve been tracking me? That you’ve recorded and then shown him videos of us being intimate?”
I swallow.
“That’s a serious breach of trust. I’m with you, thinking about only you, and you’re, what … thinking…” She drops her voice an octave, ‘Oh, this’ll make a good shot. Ass-wipe will really not like this. I better get her to moan louder’. Is that what it’s like for you? I’m there with you in the moment, lost in it, and you’re not even fully there with me because you’re thinking about how it’ll punish him?”
“Fuck. Not true, baby.”
“And this might have been our time, Killian. Now. Right now. Not three years ago. I said that to you already. I told you I think maybe all that had to happen for this to happen, for us to be able to appreciate it. But now … it feels like nothing is real. Nothing is right. And you didn’t give me a chance to learn how you felt. You just decided to deal with it, lie about it, and keep things hidden from me. So don’t give me that bullshit about me making all the decisions here. When I asked you to keep violence out of it did you sit me down and talk to me about it?”
“Nothing is real? Right? You and me are right, Violet. Real. I’ve never felt more real about somebody. I didn’t want this to have anything to do with you. You’ve gotten what you wanted – him out of your life. And I get what I want. To make him pay.”
“That’s not okay. Not at all.”
“It’s how it is.”
She looks at me incredulously. “What?”
“I’ll go sleep on the couch. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
She gawks at me with shock. “It’s how it is? You’re laying down the law here?”
“That’s right,” I say. “About this? I am. We’ll talk more tomorrow about how to deal with it. I’m going to the couch to sleep unless you tell me you want me here beside you.”
I don’t know if she hears the hope in my voice, the longing I suddenly have for her to ask me to stay.
But she says nothing, just glares at me. I know, before I head out of there that I’ve just played my hand wrong.
I head back down the stairs and stare into the fire for hours before sleep claims me.
11
Violet
I blink into the darkness for hours before I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. The door creaks open and I see him in the doorway. I remain still, then watch him come in and crawl into bed beside me. He pulls me close and before I’m able to roll away, he’s breathing evenly into my hair.
Sleepwalking again?
He does this when things are bothering him. Is he bothered by his conscience here or only by my reaction to what he’s done? I already know the answer to that. He doesn’t seem at all bothered by what he’s done.
I’m about to move away when I’m engulfed tighter into his arms. Tears prick my eyes because this feels like the man I love. The man I’ve fallen desperately, deeply in love with, the man who has now hurt me with his deception. Maybe even more than Ray hurt me for all that time. Because I can’t help but wonder if he really loves me or if he really just wanted to win. And my heart feels like it lies shattered in my chest.
My heart. My hopes. The confidence I’d built up over the last couple of months.
Killian’s hand slides up my arm and his fingers find their way into my hair. He tilts my jaw up so he can access my mouth.
“No,” I grit out and shove.
“Baby?” he calls out sleepily.
“Either you go back to the couch, or I’ll go there.”
“Huh?”
“You heard me.”
He’s disoriented for a moment and then he sits up. “Sorry. Don’t know how I got here.”
I say nothing.
It wouldn’t be the first time he sleepily had sex with me and remarked afterwards that he woke up all over me. It happens a lot. Four or five o’clock in the morning sex and then more sleep. Normally, I like it. I don’t know if this is that or if he’d pretend it was in order to justify it. Because I don’t know if anything coming from him is the truth.