“Do you have any questions?”
“No. Thank you.”
“Don’t forget”—she points to the emergency button by the door—“to use this at any time. For any reason.”
I nod. She was very direct when she showed me the button by the front door and in the bedroom.
“We can always move you to a double,” she says.
I shake my head. “I want to live alone. I need to.”
“I understand. After six months at the retreat center, I’m sure you need some space.”
Though the retreat center has nothing to do with my decision to request a single room in the Manhattan safehouse.
Zee doesn’t call it a safehouse, of course. She calls it a furnished apartment, and it is. Except it’s not. It’s a safehouse—an apartment building the Wolfes maintain for the women who were rescued from Treasure Island.
I clear my throat. “How many women are here?”
“So far, just you, Aspen, and December. We’re expecting another soon.”
“Aspen?” December is Tigereye, but Aspen… Why does the name escape me?
“Garnet.”
“Right. And I’m Katelyn.”
“Only if you want to be. You can be whoever you want now.”
“No, I’m Katelyn. I want to be Katelyn.” I find myself affirming my name a lot. For a while, I nearly forgot it.
Some of the women at the retreat center chose to change their names, to truly begin a new life. I want to be Katelyn. Katelyn Mary Brooks from Los Angeles.
Katelyn Mary Brooks who visited Brooklyn one day in the past…and who never returned.
Except now I’ve returned.
“Whenever you’re ready to contact your family—”
I gesture Zee to stop. “Not yet. I’m not ready to face them yet.”
“There’s no shame in what happened to you.”
“I know that.”
And I do. I’m not ashamed. I’m just…not ready to see my family for any extended period. My time with them wasn’t pleasant. Of course, compared to my time on Treasure Island, it was fucking paradise.
Still…
“Are you sure you don’t want the check-ins?”
I nod again. “I won’t learn to walk again if I can’t give up the crutches.”
Honestly, it’s bad enough I’m living in free housing provided by the Wolfe family, but I have no choice. Until I can find work and make some money, this is where I must live.
“You can always change your mind later,” Zee says. “We have bodyguards available too.”
A bodyguard is the ultimate crutch. No way.
“Thank you,” is all I say.
“We’ve loaded the refrigerator and cupboards with food to last a few weeks. You can do your own shopping of course, or we—”
“Please.” I hold up my hand. “I know you mean well, Zee. But I want to get out and take care of my own needs. I have to.”
She smiles. “I understand. But if you change your mind—”
“I won’t.” My words come out more harshly than I mean them to.
“I understand,” she says. “But tonight, dinner’s on me. At The Glass House.”
“Please—”
“I insist. Part of the program.” She smiles weakly, but her blue eyes seem sad. “Let me do this for you, Katelyn.”
I get it. Zee feels responsible for what I’ve been through. She’s not responsible. Heck, if she’d done what I asked all those years ago, I wouldn’t be here.
I nod and force another smile. “All right. A dinner. One dinner. And…”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you, Zee. For everything.”
She reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “It is truly my pleasure. I just wish I could do more. I wish I could…” She shakes her head. “Well, you know what I wish. Call me anytime. Night or day.”
I nod again. Neither of us has to say it. She wishes she could reverse everything that happened. To both of us.
I’ll let her buy me dinner tonight, and I’ll take her financial help for now because I have no other choice.
But I can’t accept the bodyguard.
I can’t have a babysitter any longer. I just can’t.
I’ve always been determined to make it on my own, and even after living through hell, I haven’t shaken that determination.
Except that one time.
That one time when I asked the woman standing next to me to end my life.
At the time, I thought I wanted to cease to exist—that no life at all was better than the pain and humiliation I was suffering.
Once I got to the island, though, I was glad I still had a life.
Even now, the thought seems odd to me, but I can’t negate its truth.
I discovered something there. Certainly not freedom and certainly not peace. I was abused in the worst way, and I had to become someone else to get through it. I became Moonstone, and in some ways, I forgot Katelyn. I had to in order to survive.
But I found something I never knew I had.
I found strength.
And I found the will to live.
2
Luke
Starting over is never easy.
Not that I’d know. This is my first time.
After three months of in-house therapy, I’ve been washed, wrung, and hung out to dry.