I tell her what happened after our picnic, about my panic attack and how the horse went wild and how I freaked out and broke down and ran into the house like a loon. How I didn't let Ledger come close and how I heard my uncle yell at him and how I didn't step in.
"Well, where is he now?"
"I don't know," I tell her. "I don't know. I acted like a coward. I ran away."
"You weren't a coward. You're grieving, Livingston. Look, he's a cowboy, right?"
"Yeah, a really hot cowboy."
She laughs. "Oh my God, you've got to send me a picture of this guy. But that's not what I'm talking about. Look, if he's a cowboy, he understands the love of horses and he's going to understand that you losing Chestnut was no small thing. It was basically everything. And it wasn't just losing your horse, it was your best friend and several years of competitions. You were going to win everything this year. Everybody knew it. Everyone was betting on you both.
“That's a lot of loss in a really short amount of time, Liv. You need to tell him that. That isn't about cowardice. And you know I've never been in love either, unfortunately, but I do know this: I know that you’re a very sincere person and if this guy somehow won you over in the space of a couple of days, he must be like, insanely, incredibly wonderful."
"He is," I say, my voice cracking.
"Great," she says, laughing. "That's good. You have to go find this cowboy. As tempting as it might be to run away and hide and pretend it never happened, the whole panic attack, freaking out thing this afternoon – it did happen. And if you basically got all wild and frisky outside on a picnic blanket with him today, don't you think he at least deserves to know why you ran into a house crying a few hours later?"
I wipe away the tears that I didn't even realize had started to fall. "Yeah, I guess you're right. He does deserve to know all that.”
"And you said you were maybe falling for him?"
"Yeah," I say. "What about that?"
"The thing is, Liv, I don't think there are any maybes here. I think you are. I think you have. I think you've fallen head over heels in love with this guy. And maybe when you're telling him the truth about yourself, you should add that in."
I laugh. "You think?"
"I know."
"I love you, Catherine," I tell her.
"I love you more. Now stop being a drama queen and go kiss and make up with your hot cowboy."
I end the call and I push the phone back in my jeans pocket. I still have that apple in my hand, and I carry it over to the corral fence to Flame.
"Hey, baby," I say. “I understand all about heartache. I know what it's like to feel like the whole world is against you." I look into that stallion’s dark, black eyes. "But guess what?" I say, offering him the apple. "Maybe the world's not against you at all," I say. "Maybe there's hope for both of us yet."
That horse opens its mouth and takes a bite of the apple from my palm, and then another, until the whole thing is gone. I want to wrap my arms around him. I want to whisper sweet nothings in that sad boy’s ear, but I don't.
Today an apple is enough for him, a sliver of a promise that maybe the world's not all bad, and that phone call to my best friend reminded me that there's hope for me too.
It's time for me to go find my cowboy; it's time for us to kiss and make up.
I just hope to God he didn’t leave this ranch, thinking I am too much of a mess for a real man like him.
11
Ledger
After smoking that cigar with my dad, I know I need to find Liv's number. I get Jake on the phone and have him stalk Buckle Down Ranch until he finds her. When he does, he puts her on the phone, and I tell her under no uncertain terms that I need her to come out tomorrow to my parents' ranch. She’s surprised at my intensity.
"I mean it," I tell her. "I need you here. I want to show you this place."
"I feel like we have a lot to talk about," she says.
"You're right," I tell her. "We do, but I want to talk face-to-face. And I want to talk here. I want to show you my home."
“Okay,” she says. “I’ll come.”
“Plan on staying the night. I want you to really see Starborn Ranch.”
Livingston pauses on the phone. “I’m sorry for today–”
I stop her. “Don’t apologize, please. I care for you, so much. And I need you like I’ve never needed anything.”