My tears mix in with the water of the shower, but I’m not sobbing as hard as I was yesterday. I think it’s more just a pitiful cry now, I’m falling apart. I want him back, but I can’t. So, now I’m filled with sadness.
By the time I am back in my bedroom and sitting on the bed in an oversized tee shirt and leggings, the tears are gone. The upsetting feeling remains but I’m not crying. I’m sure that Garrett can see how much I’m hurting.
“So, I know that you and me were going to have a talk,” he reminds me. “But I just want to tell you not to worry. I will be a friend for you right now and nothing more. I don’t want to push you.”
It should tear me apart to hear him say that when I’m so desperate to be with him, but actually it’s a relief. I don’t want to be dealing with anything right now. I just need to have some time to myself …
“Yeah, okay.” I stare at him, watching his expression but it’s careful and considered, like he’s doing his best to keep all his emotions inside. “Thank you, I appreciate it. I do need a friend right now.”
There is a small voice in my brain screaming at me to not let him go because I might lose him forever, but this is the best option for us right now.
“Erm, right, so now that has been sorted…” Garrett makes a point of looking away from me. “I did some work for you. Not much, but I know how hard it is to get organized at a time like this. So, I made a list.”
“Oh, thank you. That’s something that I wouldn’t be able to even think of right now.”
“I know. I remember it from Sadie. There is just so much that needs to be done. It’s awful. And I can help you if you need anything else. I don’t want to be in the way though, so if you want me to go, I won’t be offended.”
I nod slowly before realizing that I need to be alone. Just to get used to the idea of being friends, as well as adjusting to what I have to do next with regards to my father.
“Yeah, maybe some time alone would be good. Just so that I can adjust. Is that okay?”
Garrett smiles and presses his lips to my cheek to kiss me goodbye. I would love nothing more than to reach out and hold him, but I know that isn’t appropriate. Not until we are ready to approach the idea of us once more.
“I will go, but please know that I am only a phone call away. I won’t come back until you call me, but please, anything you need let me know. I want to help you.”
I nod but can’t say anything because the emotion is lodged in my throat.
We say our goodbyes and I feel my heart break as he exits my house, leaving me alone with my father’s memory. It’s the right thing to do, of course it is, but that doesn’t make it any easier to process. I’m alone, really alone in the world and it hurts.
No mom, no dad, no best friend… and now the man who I love more than anything is gone.
“What do I do now?” I ask myself, feeling like my voice is echoing through the house now. “How do I deal with all of this shit?”
I find the list that Garrett made for me, so grateful for all the people that he has contacted. He’s sorted out a lot of bills and associated companies that need to know about my dad’s passing, and he has also been in touch with the local funeral home who will call me back later today. This is something that I wouldn’t have been able to do alone, so I’m eternally grateful to Garrett for everything. So much so that I almost call him to tell him…but I stop myself at the last moment. He might need space as well.
This all must be a shock for him. More death, more sadness, something else ripping us apart.
With a deep sigh, I grab my laptop and switch it on to deal with everything else that I need to right now, but honestly as soon as the Internet comes to life in front of me, I almost take my usual step and head to an airline website to book a plane ticket out of here. I want to run. The urge is so intense that I damn near give in to it. I might not have any money for my travels right now, but my father’s house must belong to me now, I could use that money.
It will leave me with no choice to ever come back again, but if I’m going to run then I won’t ever return. Not even for Garrett. I can’t run away from him and be forgiven a second time. Life just doesn’t work like that.