The nerves get to me as I pull my car in the parking lot, and continue as I race inside the building. It’s made worse by the fact that none of the receptionists seem willing to help me. I guess because I’m not related or whatever, but it makes me want to scream. I just need to see her…
Eventually, I manage to get information and I rush towards the room where Jill is sobbing on the floor with a grief counselor standing near her looking on hopelessly. Clearly, he doesn’t know what to do, and he’s relieved to have me here.
“You can go.” I don’t mean to be so dismissive, but that’s how it comes across. “I am here Jill. I’m here.”
I don’t know what to do but scoop her up in my arms and hold her close. It isn’t much, but it’s all that I can do right now. She sobs against me, soaking my shirt. I know what she’s going through, and it kills me that I can’t take the pain away.
***
Eventually the time comes for me to take Jill home. She doesn’t want to leave the hospital, but she also can’t stay. It takes a while because she is against leaving her dad even if he isn’t alive anymore, but I finally convince her to come with me.
“Do you want to talk?” I ask her quietly as we drive away from the hospital.
“I have nothing to say.” She shrugs her shoulders helplessly.
I give her what she wants. I don’t say a word, I let her think as much as she needs to because I’m sure that the silence will help. And if not then she will speak, she knows that she can. I hope she knows that anyway. The only thing I get from her is a murmur that she is tired. Of course, she is, she’s shattered.
“Okay, come on. Let me walk you up to bed,” I offer. “Let me help you.”
I half expect her to push me away, but she doesn’t. She nods wearily instead and allows me to practically carry her to her room. Her father’s presence is still thick within the walls, so I know she must be in pain. I feel that same thing every time I go back into my mother’s home, and it isn’t as fresh as this. This just happened.
I get Jill into bed, not changed or anything, she just collapsed to sleep. I feel dreadful as I watch her snoring through her tear stained, slightly snotty state. I feel for her, she doesn’t deserve this pain. She has no idea what’s going to come next either. It’s so hard. All of the phone calls that need to be made, the legal drama, the funeral arrangements… it’s overwhelming for anyone, let alone someone who is also grieving. It’s too much, there should be a better system somehow.
“I have to help her,” I murmur to myself.
I would love to do more, I would love to do it all, but Jill might not want that so I’m just going to focus on getting her started. Do what I did for Sadie when Mom was a mess. I handled it back then and I can do it now.
***
I check my watch to see the time. It’s almost midnight. I don’t know if this is the sort of time of night where my mom will be awake, but I’m going to try because I’m a wreck and I really need someone to talk to.
*Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring*
I pace Jill’s home, feeling awkward that I’m here now while I wait for Mom to answer. Is it weird that I’m staying while she sleeps? No, she needs me.
“Garrett,” Mom answers sounding horror struck by the late night call. Of course she feels that way. Sometimes I don’t think. The last late night phone call Mom got was about Sadie’s death. “What’s happening?”
“Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out,” I say quickly. “I’m fine. I just need to talk.”
“Oh… right…” Mom’s breathing starts to return to something almost normal. “Okay good.”
“It’s Jill’s Dad… he passed away. I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh God, poor Jill. Are you with her?” Mom gets it immediately. “Are you at her house now?”
“Yeah, I’m with her. She’s asleep…”
“Oh, Garrett, this has got to be traumatic for you as well.” Again, she understands. “This must be bringing back bad memories. Are you okay? Do you need me to come over or anything?”
“No, I think that I’m okay, Mom. I just don’t know what to do, that’s all.”
“Stay with her. Sleep on the couch. Just don’t leave her alone until she asks you too,” Mom advises me. “The time might come when she does want to be by herself, but until then you just have to stick around. Right now, more than anything in the world, Jill needs a friend in you.”