“Okay cool, so come and see me tonight and we can talk about it. I miss you, man.”
“I can’t tonight.” I have therapy as soon as work is over and I’m actually looking forward to it. “I have dinner at my mom’s house. Maybe tomorrow though. I could be persuaded tomorrow night.”
“You better, because we need to catch up.”
I feel bad, but the bar isn’t the healthiest place for me to be at the moment and it’s the only place that Benny likes to go. He hasn’t grown out of the drinking phase yet, and I might be leaving it behind me. I don’t want to lose Benny, so I need to find a way to maintain that friendship another way.
“Sure, I need to go, but I will call you later?”
By the time I manage to hang up the phone, the day is over and I need to get out quickly. I don’t want to be late for my appointment, so I gather up my things quickly and exit the office. At one point, I’m pretty sure that I hear Jill behind me talking to someone, but I don’t look to see who it is, I don’t want to know. I think I might be in a place that I’m ok with Jill being back here. I finally don’t feel like I’m going to fall apart or lose myself in a fit of rage. It’s nice to feel so calm. Therapy was a great idea. Thanks to Jill coming back, I might actually be getting my shit together.
***
“I like what you just said to me about guilt,” the therapist says to me. “About how it was drowning you, and now you’re treading water a bit more. That’s a really great sign that you are moving in the right direction.”
If just understanding what I’m feeling and identifying it is the only thing to come out of these sessions, then it’s made me feel a lot clearer. But it’s more than that. I’m also learning how to manage these emotions.
“Thank you, that really is how I’m feeling.” I beam from ear to ear. “I didn’t think that I would ever be able to get to this place, it feels like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”
“I can see it.” Her dinger goes off which means that it’s time for our session to be over. “You are moving forward in a very positive way…”
To be honest, it’s been a long time since Sadie died and this might be something that I should have done sooner, but I don’t know if I would have been ready before now. Now, I’m open to help and whatever she tells me. I’m listening and working through things, willing and able.
I make note of my next appointment, it isn’t too far away, and I leave the therapist’s office, pleased to see my mom after. We have always had a bit of a fractured relationship however hard we have tried because it hasn’t been the same since Sadie. I’m willing to put in more of an effort now that I’ve had help processing. The issues have always been mine anyway. Seeing her move on has been difficult for me. It was even harder when she started dating because I always found it very hard to consider love after my sister died. But, just because I can’t work through my issues, doesn’t mean she has to be held back. Therapy has help me see that we all have to live where she can’t.
“Mom!” I call through the front door as soon as I step inside. “Mom, where are you?”
“In the kitchen!” she yells back. Much as I love my own home, I adore my mom’s cooking. It reminds me of when I was little, sitting at the table with my sister, complaining about school. God, I’d give anything for that just one more time. “Come in.”
She grins and hugs me the moment that she sees me. Mom always hugs me for a minute longer than she used to and I can tell that she’s clinging on to the one child she still has. She doesn’t want to let me go. I don’t mind that, I don’t want her to either. The last thing I ever want is to upset her because I have learned the hard way that you never know when you won’t get to see that person again…
“What’s going on with you?” Mom immediately pulls back and stares at me. “And don’t lie. I can tell that something is different.”
I haven’t told Mom about Jill because I don’t know how to broach the subject of Sadie’s best friend, but there is something about the way she said that, I know she won’t let it go. I suppose it’s time.
“Jill Michaels is back in town.” My voice is quiet and filled with sympathy. This is going to hurt her heart. Sadie’s best friend, someone exactly the same age as her daughter would be… it’s got to be hard.