“I’m happy with my career.”
“That’s not what I’m referring to, and you know it.”
She placed her hands on her hips. “I was happy when we met. When we got married. When we went on our honeymoon.”
A dark brow crooked. “And after that?”
“I was anxious, Rafe. Apprehensive. Overwhelmed. This,” she said as she spread her arms wide, “isn’t something I’m accustomed to. Nor is having an enormous, exuberant family. My God! They all speak at the same damn time!”
Jenna dropped her hands to her side. In a decidedly defeated tone, she said, “I adore your family, Rafe. Never doubt that. But they’re so boisterous and demonstrative. And…” She shrugged. “It makes me feel like sitting in a corner and letting them all have at it while I sip a glass of wine and try to figure out the twenty different conversations going on all at once.”
“They can be a little loud,” he admitted.
“I’m not saying this in a bad way, Rafe. I love that they’re all so spirited. But it’s a bit much for someone like me. I grew up in an RV, for Christ’s sake. Just the four of us. My parents rarely even hosted barbecues at the campsites where we stayed. It was usually only us for dinner. Sometimes just me and Linney. And there were times when no one had anything new to say and it was very quiet.”
“So being around all these people unsettles you. You never told me that, Jenna.”
Her stomach coiled. “I know.”
“And I certainly don’t see that when you’re managing a dining room. But… That’s because you’re working, right?”
She nodded. “It’s not about me in those instances. It’s about the restaurant.”
Rafe sat back and she could see he forced his shoulders to loosen. He rubbed his palms against the tops of his thighs and said, “How could I have helped you get a handle on our marriage and my family if you weren’t willing to tell me something so important?”
He had a point, of course. “I couldn’t fully comprehend it myself. But people who are like me… Rafe, when you grow up the way I did, moving from town to town and living a gypsy/explorer life, settling down is great in theory. It was actually a fantasy my entire life. But the reality of it is damn-near impossible to cope with. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to come to San Francisco and live with you. Unfortunately, I couldn’t wrap my mind around the life you led. Still lead. It’s not my life.”
His gaze locked with hers. “But, in theory—in fantasy—you wanted it to be?”
“Yes,” she confessed on a sigh. “I wouldn’t have married you if I hadn’t been serious about trying to build a life with you. Then we came here and everyone gushed over me and talked over each other so I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. They wanted to throw a big party for us and your Aunt Vesta wanted us to recreate the wedding ceremony in church and… Good Lord. It was just all so much, all at once.”
She turned away. Her hands shook as she wrung them. “I can’t explain how that made me feel.” Tears suddenly stung her eyes, surprising her. “It was like a fairytale come true in some respects. Instant family, you know? And a gorgeous prince who cooks and massages my feet and makes love to me like there’s no tomorrow. I loved every second of that part. But, in all honesty, I felt like everyone—and everything—was pressing in on me and I couldn’t breathe. I mean, sometimes, Rafe… I honestly couldn’t breathe.”
“Okay, hold on a sec, sweetheart.” She heard him get to his feet and then he stood behind her, his large hands on her shoulders. “Breathe now. Right now.”
Her entire body quaked.
“Jenna.” His tone was low, but assertive. “Deep breaths.”
She gasped for air.
“Shit,” Rafe said. “You really were stifled.”
“You don’t understand,” she eeped out. “I love your family, Rafe. They’re all so wonderful. But when their hands flap in the air and their voices raise and they’re speaking a million miles a minute, half in Italian and half in English, I just want to step away.”
“You did step away. I’d go find you.”
She nodded. “And I’d be so relieved to see it was just you. No one else. You’d bring me back here and I could breathe again.”
His arms wrapped around her and she found comfort in his embrace. She relaxed against him, her back to his chest.
He said, “I always assumed you were just exhausted from the long hours you put in. I didn’t realize you were suffocating.”
“The thing is,” she said as her hands gripped his strong forearms, his steady presence helping to ease the trembling in her body. “It was all what I wanted, Rafe. My whole life I’d dreamed of walking into a large house with some delicious scent wafting from the kitchen because I was sick of takeout Chinese and processed turkey sandwiches. I wanted to hear laughter, not historical facts about our next destination. I wanted to be a part of something, not a tag-along. You gave all of that to me.”
His warm lips grazed her temple as he said, “But it was all too much, too soon. Too fast.”
“Too overwhelming.”