Because I felt like I was looking at him for the first time too .
He simultaneously looked exactly like the boy who broke my heart that day in his bedroom, and nothing like him. He is a man now, a grown, fully-formed man — muscular, his once shaggy hair now cut shorter, like a businessman from the big city. His beard is scruffy, yet clearly manicured to perfection, and his clothes are probably more expensive than everything Gracie and I own put together. But even at a distance, through the frosted glass windows of my office, I could see the sparkle in his eyes that tempted me so many years ago .
And I hate him for it. I hate him so much .
Now, as Moonfire and I make it to the very edge of the cleared property, near where the new stables are going to be built, I’m finding it hard to go back. My mind keeps drifting to that last day in Hawk’s bedroom. To the day after the graduation part, when he told me his future was more important than a girl in a stable, when he’d had too much to drink. He’d been so cold, so cruel, and I thought for sure I would never recover. How does a girl recover from her first broken heart ?
She rides on. Away. She forgets and grows up. She moves on. And that’s what I did with my darling, my love, my Matt. And my life had been perfect. It had been everything I wanted. Even now, in this new version of a reality I never really imagined for myself, I’ve been happy. Well… if not happy, at least content. Gracie and I are safe, and healthy, and protected by a family that loves us. Hawk showing up is going to do nothing but upend the fragile balance I’ve created for us .
It doesn’t help that I never fully believed that Hawk would come back here again, but here he is just the same. Even as Moonfire and I hover at the edge of the property, I can feel his presence bearing down on me. With a sigh, I look down at my watch. I need to pick up Gracie from school in thirty minutes, which means I have no choice but to start back for the stables. And I know deep down that I can’t avoid Hawk forever, no matter how much I’d like to try and make that happen. I give Moonfire a pat on the neck and turn her back toward the ranch, steeling myself for what’s waiting for me when I get there .
The ranch isn’t its usually bustling hive of activity when I ride Moonfire into the stables. Anna isn’t ushering around stable hands, I don’t hear Sam yelling at anyone from the office, and with the boys gone, there is no chaos from the ring. It’s almost eerily quiet, except for the gently noises of the horses in their stalls and the occasional, almost soothing screech of a bird in the distance. I get Moonfire set up with some water and hay, then start walking for the office to get my car keys. But before I can get to the door, I see Anna come trotting over from the house. I wave at her, trying to avoid a big conversation .
“I have to get Gracie! I’ll talk to you later!” I yell as I run into the office, grab my keys, then make a mad dash for the Jeep. But Anna is faster than me, she’s always been faster than me, and she beats me to the driver’s side door .
“I’ll drive! We need to talk,” she says as she grabs the keys from my hand with a flourish. I groan .
“Anna, it’s fine. I’m just going to pick up Gracie, get a few groceries, then maybe head for the Canadian border. Really. It’s fine .”
Anna laughs. “You’re not skipping the country with my only niece. Get in .”
I slide into the passenger seat as Anna backs out of the space like a maniac, then speeds down the dirt road that leads away from the ranch. “Anna, honey, I’m not so much concerned with my safety, but once Gracie is in the car, could you keep your speed below whatever breaks the sound barrier ?”
Anna rolls her eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic. Anyway, I take it you know that Hawk is back ?”
“Yeah, I’d picked up on that. What of it? There is no reason for me to have to deal with him while he’s here, is there? He can go his way, and I’ll go mine .”
“Don’t be a fool, Parrish. You can’t spend a month hiding from Hawk. First of all, you’re the office manager. Dad talks a big game, but he doesn’t know jack about the money situation. He writes checks like the king but he can’t be trusted to keep a control on the actual finances. And let’s be real. No one knows the ranch better than you. You’re going to be the one making the decisions on the design .”
I look out the window, refusing to acknowledge the validity of anything she is saying. “Forget it. Your dad wanted this, he can damn well deal with it .”
Anna pulls the Jeep over in a huff, and a car that was behind us honks their horn as they swerve to avoid rear-ending the car. “What the hell, Anna?” I yell .
She turns to me and puts her sunglasses on her head. “Listen, Parrish, I get it. You hate Hawk. On some level, you probably have more reason than anyone else, given… high school. He was a dick. He may still be a dick, I don’t know. He’s like a stranger with the face of my brother. But you can’t let your anger outweigh all of the work you’ve put into your life here. He doesn’t deserve that kind of power and I think you know that .”
I cross my arms over my chest like a petulant child. “So. What do you want me to do? Shake hands with him and welcome him home like nothing ever happened? Let’s discount for one second what happened at the graduation party. We’ll pretend that never happened, and that he and I have no history. Fine. That doesn’t change the fact that he blew us off, all of us , for ten years, and couldn’t be bothered to come home after… when… Matt. I don’t understand how everyone is just pretending that never happened .”
Anna starts driving again with a sigh. “Honey, we’ve been over this. In families like ours, the first born is always going to have a special status that the rest of us aren’t afforded. If I did what Hawk did, there is zero chance my parents would ever forgive me. But Hawk could disappear for FIFTY years, and if he showed up as dad was breathing his last earthly breath, he would give him the world on a belt buckle to wear as a souvenir. So, the way I see it, you have two options .”
I can’t help but snort. “And what are those, Dr. Phil ?”
“You can spend the next month hiding in the carriage house with Gracie, which is just going to piss off and confuse mom and dad. Or you can suck it up, hike up your boots, and be the badass mama I know you are. Do what needs to be done. Get the project finished. Do your job. Be civil. And in a month, you know damn well that Hawk is just going to turn tail and leave again. What are the odds he’s going to give up his big shot life in Los Angeles to come back to Dylan and design barns for cattle farmers ?”
I hate to admit she’s right, but I know she is. The last thing I want in this world is to lose my family over Hawk, and I wouldn’t be a damn bit surprised if their favorite son was prioritized over everything else, including me. The best thing I can do for Gracie, and myself, and the whole family, is put on my big girl panties, and face Hawk like the strong woman I know I am .
“Fine. I will be civil. But don’t expect me to be nice .”
Anna parks in front of Gracie’s day-school with a laugh. “I wouldn’t dream of it .”
As we get out of the car to pick up Gracie, I know that Anna is right about something else too .
There is no chance Hawk is going to stay longer than a month, anyway. So, what am I getting all worked up about, right ?
Hawk
I t may have taken me over an hour, but I finally managed to shake my mom and dad by telling them that I wanted to wander around the property and reacquaint myself with the feel of it. Just to better adapt my plans. But the truth was, I just wanted to be alone for a few minutes so I could breathe. It’s not that I’m not happy to see them again, I am, it’s just that I want to take some time to come to terms with the fact that I’m here. I’m still not sure I made the right decision, coming back, and the only way I’m going to push myself through my hesitation is my jumping in with both feet .
After sneaking out of the house once my parents were distracted by a phone call, I made my way over to the office, once I was sure that Parrish was gone. Anna is missing too, so I actually