“The cabdriver knew what place I was talking about when I told him my old address and described the park.”
I shuddered at the thought of her taking a cab by herself, and I was angry at the driver for a moment that he hadn’t bothered to report that a child had flagged him down, but my anger seeped away as relief filled me.
“That was good that you took a cab instead of the subway.” It was New York, I supposed. She wouldn’t be the first child to ride a cab unattended. There were even children who went back and forth on the subway every day for school, so it wouldn’t have seemed out of place to the driver. I couldn’t really blame him or her for not phoning the police.
“Daddy said never take the subway alone.” Elle’s eyes clouded over, and her lower lip trembled. “Is he mad at me?”
I reached out a hand hesitantly, touching her knee when she didn’t pull away. “He’s really scared and worried about you, but he’s not really angry. We were both just scared.”
Tears escaped down her cheeks, though she blinked rapidly. “I didn’t mean to scare anyone. I just wanted to leave before you did.” Her lips were a little blue.
I grimaced. “Elle, I’m not going to leave you.” I broke off when I realized I couldn’t make that promise. I was still an employee, which meant I had only partial say in whether I stayed. In spite of last night, I wasn’t super confident that Ben would want me to be anything more than Elle’s nanny, so I didn’t want to make a promise I might not be able keep. “I’ll stay as long as I can, and as long as you want me to.”
“I want you to stay forever, but I know you’re going to leave. Everybody leaves. If they don’t leave, then they’re never there.”
My heart clenched for her, and I couldn’t resist the urge to reach out to pull her against me in a hug. I expected some resistance, but instead she melted against me. “Who left you?” I was sure I knew the answer, but I had to dissect her fears one at a time.
“My mom left me. Even you left me for a while.”
“I didn’t have any choice in the matter. Your family moved away, and my father wouldn’t help me come visit you.”
She frowned. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “He’s selfish. He always has been... and it got worse after my mom died. He pretty much left me to raise myself, and it was a lonely childhood. I had to grow up way too fast.”
“Do you hate him?”
I couldn’t answer for a moment, because I had to decide for myself first before I could tell her the truth. “I don’t hate him. I love him, but I don’t trust him. I never come first with him, so in some ways it’s like not having a father at all.”
“It’s just the same for me.” She laid her head against my chest.
I frowned as I rubbed her back. “No, it’s not. Your father loves you so much, sweetie. He’s doing the best he can to—”
“I know that.” She lifted her head to look at me. “I meant my mom. She’s just gone. She was never really much there to start with. There were times when she gave me a little attention, but most of the time, she was just out of it. She doesn’t come see me, and I’m sure she doesn’t love me. I think I hate her sometimes.”
I had to clear my throat from the lump forming there. “It’s okay to hate her sometimes, but I don’t think you really do. You’re just hurt and angry and trying to figure it all out. Your mom loves you, but she’s kind of like my dad. She’s selfish. You know what an addict is?”
Elle shrugged. “I heard Dad say the word a few times to other people, but I don’t really know what it is.”
I hated having this conversation with her, certain it should be Ben, but also needing to convince her to come home willingly. I didn’t want to shatter the trust between us by dragging her out or forcing her to come with me if I could avoid it. “An addict is someone who can’t live without something. That something is usually very bad for them, and in your mom’s case, it’s drugs. It makes her selfish. She can’t think of anything besides getting drugs, and it changes who she is. At some point, maybe she’ll no longer be addicted, and maybe then she won’t be so selfish. You can’t count on that though.”
“So I don’t have a mother.” She looked so sad and she started to shiver. “Will you be my mother, Lindsay?”
r /> It was so hard to answer her, and tears rolled down my cheeks too. “I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, kiddo, but I’ll be here for you as long as you need me.”
“I’m scared you’ll leave me too.”
“I won’t if I can help it.” I hugged her as hard as I dared, and she was squeezing just as tightly. “Your dad loves you, and so do I. We’d like you to come home. Are you ready to do that, Elle?”
She pulled away, her lower lip trembling again. “I’m going to be in big trouble, aren’t I?”
I didn’t want to start lying to her now, so I nodded. “You probably will be in a little trouble, but more than anything, Ben’s going to be happy that you’re home and relieved that you’re safe. Are you ready to see your dad?”
After another long hesitation, she nodded. “I guess so.”
Chapter 15
Ben