Instantly my mind goes into problem-solving mode. I can think of about five things that might be overwhelming her, and I can probably help out with all of them. But I assume she’s yelling at somebody… And it must be Jack. He could probably help her in exactly the same ways.
This could be fine. This will all be fine.
Quickly, I dash to the other side of the house to check on Ned and Matthew, happy to find them sleeping soundly in their room. The walls are soundproofed so they have no idea anything is amiss. For just a moment, I indulge that sweet feeling that I get when I see their calm, innocent faces. Lips slack, eyelashes delicate fronds against their cheeks. They could be brothers, they look so much alike. I guess technically they are only cousins, but about as close as cousins could be.
Carefully closing the door, I walk swiftly to the other side of the house, trying to piece together what’s going on. As soon as I enter the great room, I can see we’ve got some kind of meltdown in progress. From the way she’s holding herself, she’s retreating, maybe making up her mind that her problems can’t be fixed.
Dammit. Why do women always try to make everything so hard?
“Maddie,” Jack starts soothingly, his hands in the air like he’s offering her a giant invisible pillow full of comfort. “You know how I feel about you… How we feel about you. Everything here is so good, isn’t it?”
Her gray eyes flash as she glares at him, shifting her weight suddenly to the other side as though what he just said is exactly the thing that would offend her the most.
“Oh yeah?” she spits out defensively. “How you feel about me, Jack? That’s what I know?”
Shit. This is not good.
“You should know by now,” he answers reasonably. “Haven’t we talked everything out? Haven’t we all agreed? Aren’t we all in the same page?”
“You said you cared about me!” she hisses accusingly.
“But I do care about you,” he smiles.
She starts to answer and her eyes flicker toward me, causing her to stop immediately.
“Oh good!” she crows. “Now you’re both here. Now I don’t have to feel like a ball being juggled between you. Now that you are both here, I want an answer. For real this time, okay?”
I smile to her as calmly as I can and walk over, stroking the backs of her arms reassuringly. She gets this way sometimes: anxious and unreachable. It’s really her worst quality. Why can’t she just let things be good?
“I’m sorry if you ever thought we weren’t being real with you,” I murmur as I take her in a quick, soothing embrace. “Ask us anything. We’re not trying to hide anything from you.”
She pulls back from me, trembling, her gray eyes searching mine. She’s almost as tall as me, which makes play wrestling a whole lot of fun. She seems unbreakable, most of the time.
But right now I can sense her brittleness. She’s hardening herself for some stupid reason. I guess everything I thought had been settled wasn’t really settled at all.
“Tell me,” she begins in a brave voice, “what this is.”
“What this is?” Jack asks from behind me, scoffing. “Can you be a little less vague?”
“That’s not helping,” I tell him without looking at him. “Maddie… What do you mean what we are? Are you looking for a word?”
“A word would be helpful!” she says in a rush. “Are you my boyfriends? Are you my bosses? Are you… I don’t even know! What is the word for a woman who takes care of your kids all day and then fucks your brains out all night?”
“Wonder woman!” Jack calls out over the great room unhelpfully.
“Just ignore him,” I counsel her, nudging her back toward me. “Come on, is that what you really want? A word?”
She nods, sniffling. Her small chin is puckered with frustration.
Of course, I know she doesn’t really want a word. She wants an institution. She wants something formal. She wants the one exact thing that is impossible to give.
“Maddie, don’t you think everything is good here? Do we pay you enough?”
“Yes,” she sniffles. “But I just mean that…”
“And we have talked about this, right?” I continue. “We’ve actually talked about it kind of a lot, right?”
She just shrugs one shoulder. She knows it’s true. We have been very careful to set out the rules and expectations. It’s not that she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t like it. She just doesn’t want to admit it.