“Yeah, basically. You don’t have to enjoy this so much, you know.”
He sat up and shrugged. “I don’t have to, but it’s a nice change of pace, seeing you out of sorts. Growing up you were always so damn unflappable, cool under pressure. And now a tiny wisp of a thing is twisting you in knots.” His smile changed from amused to wistful. “It’s not such a bad thing.”
“Having it and losing it though, fucking sucks.” And I just couldn’t fucking live with the idea of not seeing Jana again, not holding her or kissing her. Never hearing that sexy, husky laugh that always sent a shot of lust straight through me. “Got any advice? Useful advice,” I added when he opened his mouth, closed it and smiled.
“Yeah, go big.”
“What the hell does that mean? An engagement ring? An expensive trip?” I didn’t make an effort with women, especially outside the bedroom. They were guaranteed a good time, at least one incredible orgasm before I got mine and that was it. “Why isn’t an apology enough?”
“Because you said terrible shit to her. Do you think I should take the state of Nevada’s apology and forego making them pay for stealing six fucking years from me?”
“You know I don’t. Those fuckers messed up and they have all the power, I hope you get their fucking pensions!”
“And Jana deserves less?” He must’ve seen something pathetic in my eyes because his anger deflated. “You need a big ass gesture to prove to Jana that you’re not just sorry but willing to go to extremes to make sure you know how bad you fucked up.”
That made a twisted kind of sense. “So, make a fool of myself?”
Tate laughed and raked a hand through his hair. “That always helps, but somehow I don’t think that’s what Jana would want you to do. Find something that matters and show her how you feel about her. If you know, that is.”
I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Tate stood and shrugged, disappearing into the kitchen and returning with two bottles of beer. “It means if you don’t love her, you probably shouldn’t bother.”
Shit. “Why is it always about love?” I liked Jana, a lot. I had other feelings that were more than like but they didn’t seem big enough to be love. How the fuck should I know what love is? Other than familial love, for my family and my brothers in arms, I had no idea.
“Because, big brother, love makes the world go round. Or so they say. Personally though, you love her and you don’t want to be without her, so why deny it?”
Why the fuck, indeed. Love was a big word, a really big one. It was important, all-consuming. Life-changing. “I need to think about this shit. Thanks,” I told him and took my beer to my room so I could dig deep into the dark recesses of my mind and figure out if I deserved the kind of light Jana brought with her.
Chapter 18
Jana
Standing in front of my closet in nothing but my lingerie and a robe, I bit my lip and looked at my limited options. Tonight was the art show and my nerves were so frazzled, I felt moments away from a panic attack. I left my phone in the living
room just to make sure I didn’t call Moon and bail at the last minute. I was really, really tempted.
But in the spirit of big girl panties—black lace, tonight—I stood and stared for something appropriate yet modest, and most important of all, inconspicuous. All of my dress clothes were professional which meant pencil and A-line skirts, and button up shirts and silky blouses. Basically, it was boring as hell. Boring was my jam because it didn’t draw too much attention. Black seemed to be the best option so I pulled out a black skirt and a long sleeved black lace shirt with a black cami underneath. Black on black was perfect and with a reluctant sigh I set it on the bed.
The bell rang and I groaned because it meant I was running out of time. Teddy was here. Tightening the sash on my robe, I practically marched to the front door and yanked it open. “You’re early.”
She flashed a grin and breezed right on in, ignoring the scowl on my face. “I know. I had a feeling you might be dragging your ass, and I come bearing gifts!” Teddy’s laugh was contagious and it worked to alleviate some of my nerves.
Not all, but some. “Gifts, you say? I hope there’s a bottle in one of those bag,” I told her nodding towards the garment bag and her tiny sparkly clutch.
“No bottle, but something better.” Perfectly sculpted auburn brows wiggled and she turned on her red stilettos and headed to my bedroom.
“Where are you going?”
“You think this bag is for my health? Get your butt in here.”
I hesitated for just a moment because Teddy couldn’t be put off long. She dealt with difficult clients, no difficult brides, for a living and could out last my stubbornness. She was pulling the zipper on the garment bag when I entered the room with a groan. “You got me clothes? I thought we were friends, Theodora.”
Her blue eyes narrowed to slits. “You’re lucky I love you or you’d be dead right now.” She kept her face in a scowl but I saw her lips twitch in amusement moments before she burst out laughing. “Anyway, I have a little black dress just for you, honey.”
She held up the dress and—not a shocker—it was gorgeous. Short and black with a scoop neck and a low back. “That back is practically indecent!”
She laughed. “Practically, maybe. But it isn’t indecent. All of your bits will be covered, I promise.”