I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. “No, I don’t. They’re beautiful, period. The scar doesn’t take away from that.”
She laughed bitterly. “Too bad you can’t see that when you look in the mirror. But I’m saying yes because I hope you can see the same beauty in your face that you see in my legs.”
I laughed. “Thanks, Teddy. You’re the best.”
“I know. But don’t think I’m standing next to it during the show like some freak show.”
This time I laughed outright because my friend was nuts. “Never. Hell, I’m hoping for a wardrobe dilemma that will make me so late that it’ll be pointless to show up at all.” I wished for it every morning, but Moon had worked hard on this show and I couldn’t let her down. I would be there, awkward and uncomfortable, but there. “Are you calling me to put off your own work?”
“Yes. No. Maybe.” She let out a heavy sigh. “The groom wants fish as part of the theme, Jana. Fish! Dammit, hang on.” The phone went silent but not dead, but after a few minutes I hung up and went back to the sketch I was finishing up until my muscles began to ache. A long bath loosened the muscles but it also created unwanted tension as my thoughts wandered to Max and his poor opinion of me. To Max and waking up with his hands around my throat. I didn’t blame him for t
hat but I did blame him because he was the one who pretended it was all under control when it wasn’t.
I knew my life was out of control when being choked by a man hurt less than knowing that man thought I hunted for biker cock and would hop from the bed of one brother to the other. Even if I had the ability to be that woman, I wouldn’t and the fact that Max didn’t know that, hurt. Then again, he accused me of being someone I’m not, so maybe he was doing the same thing.
I’d always believed that it was better to know what people thought of you up front, but knowing just how low his opinion of me was, considering all that we’d talked about and done together, it hurt like hell. And as an added bonus, it didn’t make me feel any better. It didn’t dry my tears faster and it didn’t satisfy the aching, burning sensation in my chest.
That meant, it was time to put on my big girl panties and get back to life as usual.
Chapter 17
Max
“I can’t believe all the shit I said to her. Hearing it back from her and seeing the devastation all over her face, made me feel like a complete asshole.” I’d been in Dr. Singh’s office for more than an hour and we were no closer to any fucking solutions. “Now she won’t talk to me or take my calls. And she hasn’t been in class for two straight weeks. What if she’s not leaving the house, Doc?”
Singh, true to his nature, sat there as calm as could be. His breathing was even and his dark eyes were kind and sympathetic. “We can talk about that, but I’d like to talk about why you said those things to her.”
“Shit, Doc, really?” I raked a hand through my hair and then scrubbed it over my face, letting out a long harsh sigh. “If you ask my brother he’d say I was jealous. Jana probably thinks I’m an asshole. Both of them are probably right.”
“The fact that you’re admitting to having any feelings is progress, Max. When you first came to me all you would say was that you were ‘fine’. Everything was ‘fine’ and you were only here to appease your friend Brandt. This is good.”
Shit, listening to Singh I realized just how much I’d buried my head in the sand. “Shit. What you’re saying is that it’s my fault I’m still having these nightmares.” It wasn’t a question because I knew the answer, I could see it clearly now. I came here every week, talked about shit, but never tried to fix anything.
“No. I’m saying that war is the reason you’re still having nightmares. You are the reason they haven’t lessened in intensity.” His words were said in a kind, almost bland way, but that didn’t take the sting out of the sentiment. “Are you willing to try another form of therapy or maybe medicine?”
“Not meds,” I barked out. “I don’t want to be a fucking zombie, Doc. I need to be myself, to be able to function. Anything but drugs.”
“Anything?”
The challenge in his question had me on edge but I nodded anyway. “Yeah, anything.” With a wide smile, Dr. Singh told me about several alternative treatments, explaining the benefits and drawbacks of each one. There was so much fucking information my head began to swim. “Now you’re making me wish I chose the drugs.”
He laughed and shook his head. “If you’re that against the drugs, we’ll stay away from them. There are plenty of other options to explore first.” He scribbled out some shit on a pad of paper and handed it to me. “Call this number and set up an appointment.”
I gave the paper a skeptical look but nodded. “Sure. Thanks.”
“Max, the important thing is that you’re dedicated to lessening the effects of your PTSD.”
I heard what he said and nodded again. “Got it. Thanks.” After shaking his hand, I hopped on my bike and drove away from the short brick building. Home was my destination but I took the route in the opposite direction just to check on Jana, but her car was parked in the same spot it had been for the past week so I drove by and made my way home.
Leaving her alone was probably the best thing I could do for her, but I couldn’t do that. Jana had crawled under my skin, she’d gotten to me in a way no one ever had. Hell, in a way I didn’t think anyone even could. I knew I had to make this right, but I had no fucking clue how. And worse, I had no clue where to even begin looking for an answer.
Inside the house I found Tate lying on the sofa and staring up at the ceiling. “Find any answers up there? Because I could use a few myself.”
His mouth curved up but he didn’t move otherwise. “Bad day with the head shrink?”
“The opposite, actually. The problem is I need more than an apology to get Jana fucking talking to me again.” I dropped down on the chair and crossed my legs on the old coffee table, wishing I’d stopped by the kitchen for a beer first. “She was right about a lot of the shit she said and I’m working on it, but…,” shit I didn’t even know how to finish that sentence. Pathetic.
“But working on it isn’t good enough when you consider all the shit you threw at her?” His lips twitched with amusement.