But I kept the music on high just in case. Fish and steamed veggies wasn’t exactly exotic cuisine, but the pina colada turned it into a culinary party for one.
That didn’t sound pathetic at all.
Chapter 15
Max
Drinking to drown one’s sorrows was a young man’s game, and I hadn’t been young since I was eighteen. The nights were long and cold, and lonely as fuck, and the days were even worse because everything looked normal and bright and happy. When it shouldn’t. Because things weren’t. Things were shit.
I’d fucked up big with Jana and it was looking like she might not forgive me, at least if I went by how steadfastly she ignored my calls and my texts, and me in general. She wouldn’t answer the door, even when her car was there, and no matter how often I stopped by I couldn’t catch her coming or going. What I didn’t understand was that she seemed more upset about how I’d acted in front of Cross than the fact that my fucked up brain had nearly killed her. That didn’t make sense, but I didn’t care, I kept trying. And failing.
So, I waited until Friday, until art class.
Only she wasn’t there and thirty minutes in, she hadn’t shown up and I knew she wouldn’t. The instructor, Moon, gave me a pitying smile that I hated as I stood up to leave, fed up with this whole fucking week. “She’s probably just taking the week off to finish up her series for the show.”
I looked at Moon, dressed in a long blue velvet dress, Birkenstock sandals and an arm full of copper bangles. She looked like a sorceress or something. “What show?”
He frowned and a wariness appeared in her gaze that I didn’t like. “It’s nothing really, just a few artists I’ve asked to donate their work to my next show.” She reached behind
me and handed me a purple sheet of paper. “I hope to see you there.”
“Maybe,” I told her as I looked at the details and noted the date was just over a month away. “Thanks, Moon.”
“You’re very welcome, Max. I hope this class has helped you in some way.”
I offered up a smile at her sincere words and the hope shining in her eyes. In a way, the class had helped because it was where I met Jana, who had done a lot for me. But that’s not what she meant. “It has, Moon. Thanks.” With ten minutes before class ended, I rushed out to the street and hopped on my bike, in a hurry to get home. Where pizza and cold beer waited.
Throw in a little Netflix and I had the perfect night. Perfectly pathetic. It wasn’t how I’d spent my Friday nights lately and the contrast was killing me. Everything was so fucked up and it was all my fault. Well, not all my fault. Jana had to own some of the blame too since she’d invited Tate to dinner and then had taken a job with my club. I couldn’t quite figure out why she would do that and not tell me because I’d been sleeping for shit lately which meant I was beyond exhausted and unfocused.
I’d given up on thinking about Jana after a while because I just couldn’t take it. I put on an old sitcom that I’d missed while I was overseas and drank too much beer. Enough beer to dull the memory of how Jana had looked when I accused her of fucking my brother and club President, or the fear when my hands were clasped around her throat. There wasn’t enough beer in all of Mayhem, hell in all of Nevada.
Around ten the door opened and Tate made a shit ton of noise as he came inside carrying a paper bag that smelled like home cooking. “I guess you already ate,” he grinned. “Guess I’ll eat this later.”
“What is it?” I looked over my shoulder at him, trying to get a look at the bag. “Where were you?”
Tate rolled his eyes. “Dinner. Steak nachos. It was damn delicious and the company was good too. She made too much, she said, but we both know she just wanted to make sure you were eating. Not that you deserve it.”
I couldn’t argue that point even though it did make my lips curl to hear proof that she felt as fucked up as I did. “She’s better off,” I told him even though I didn’t believe it.
“If you say so.” But he laid me bare with a gaze that told me he knew I was lying to myself. “I’ll just put this in the fridge for later then.”
I was off my feet in a hurry, practically chasing my brother into the small, sparse kitchen. “I didn’t say I didn’t want it. Gimme.” I held out my hand and in that moment I was catapulted back in time and holding my hand in the same way for Tate to give me a toy he’d taken from the corner store. He’d refused and I picked his scrawny ass up and tossed him over my shoulder as I made my way back to the store and Mr. Collazo, the owner who always looked the other way when we were a little short on cash. The memory made me laugh.
“Okay, you’ve officially lost it. Go talk to Jana and get your shit straightened out.” He backed away, purposely looking like he thought I might snap.
I told him about the memory and he laughed. “What a weird memory.”
Tate shrugged as he unloaded the bag. “Better than the other memories you’re having. Guess that’s why you always come home.” His words were said without judgment but still, it stung to know anyone had been around during my nightmares.
“Yeah. The nightmares are a bitch, but I’m handling them.”
He arched a blonde brow up at me. “You sure? Is this what caused the beef between you and Jana? Because I gotta say, she seems like the supportive type.”
“She is, and no it’s not.” I told him what I said to her and watched his eyes grow bigger and wider. “Now she’s not speaking to me at all, and I don’t fucking blame her. But I can’t leave her alone.” I shook my head, still unable to wrap my mind around everything. “The crazy thing is she’s more pissed about this than the fact I nearly choked her in the middle of a nightmare.”
My brother stared at me for a long time. For so damn long that I thought maybe I had guacamole on my face as I dug into the nachos. “You’re in love with her.”
I frowned. “I don’t do love other than, you know, mom and you.” It was crazy to think that after just a few weeks, okay more like a few months, I could have fallen in love.