“Sh-she knew she was dying you know,” I said. “Cancer. She knew she was dying and she didn’t bother to find me, say bye. I…I meant that little to her.”
“Hugo I…I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know. It’s just…I don’t know what else to do and it’s killing me.” She took my hand, her skin so warm and soft against mine.
“I never meant to make you feel like that.” Goddammit. I was hurting her. Frustration seethed in my chest, bubbling, scattering, building… I punched my thigh. “Fuck.” It didn’t ease the pressure, so I did it again. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” I punched harder, faster.
“Whoa, whoa, Hugo. Stop.”
“Why can’t I stop hurting people?” I punched myself again.
“Do you need me to stop the car?”
“No, I’ve got him. Keep going.” Why did she always sound so fucking calm? So…loving. “Hugo? I’m going to be touching your arms now, okay?”
“I’m sorry, Heli,” I cried, tears falling freely as she grabbed my wrists and held them together. She scooted even closer until our legs were touching, hugged my hands to her chest. I tried to look at her, but I’d drunk so much her face started spinning. “I’m fucked up. I’ll do this again. You can’t trust me, Heli. I…I h-hurt people. You. My m-mum. Cecilia.”
“Shh,” she cooed, dropping my hands to cradle my head.
“I thought I had it, Heli. But I’m fucked up and I knew it. I should’ve stayed away. I-I…I shouldn’t have dragged you into this. I’m s-sorry. I’m so sor…”
“Enough now. Shh.” She lowered me to her chest, stroked my wet hair. “You’re safe. Go to sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
“I’m scared, Cece. It’s getting too hard.”
Cecilia purrs, nudges my fingers to get me to scratch harder behind her ear. She’s grown so much in a month. I think she’ll be a huge cat when she’s an official grown-up.
“I have to leave soon,” I tell her. She looks so comfy on my knee. I don’t want to move her.
“Hugo, now! Any longer and you’ll be late!” Mum calls up the stairs for the third time.
I’m so close to being ready for school. I’m dressed. I’ve brushed my teeth. I’ve even got my shoes on. I haven’t had breakfast because I feel sick today. My chest hurts and my belly feels full. My head is starting to ache, too.
I don’t like it.
“What if I can’t do it?” As I say it, I know I’m not going to be able to go to school today. Every time I think about standing up to leave my bedroom my eyes sting. I’ve been trying so hard, just like I promised. I’ve learned that if I close my eyes really hard at school and pretend I’m not there then things are okay for a little bit…until Miss shouts at me for ignoring her. Mum thinks I’m doing well. I haven’t told her when I’ve cried, only Cecilia. Cecilia doesn’t get sad…or angry. She makes me feel better, like Helen does, only Helen can’t be here all the time. I don’t know why today is different. I want to go today, I do. I want my mum to keep being happy…but my arms are starting to twitch.
“Hugo Hayes! I’m coming up there right now!”
“Oh Cece.” I pick her up and hug her tightly. I can’t move. Please don’t make me move.
“Hugo. School! Come on.”
I don’t look at my mum. When she knows I can’t move she will look sad. I hate making her sad. She thinks I don’t care. Lots of people think that. Sometimes I say or do things that make people sad, but I don’t mean to, and I care so much that I can’t stop thinking about it. I care until I feel so bad I can’t move. But…I can’t tell them, which makes them think I’m mean.
“Hugo?” Her voice has changed. She knows now.
I’m sorry, Mum. I can’t tell her, though. My lips aren’t working.
“Ah, dammit, Hugo, not again. Please.” She’s sad. I’ve made her sad.
“Right. Give me that cat.”
No! I cling tighter, bury my face in her fur. Cecilia! Mum stomps over to my bed and grabs my arm, pulling it away from Cecilia. Please, please, please. I’ll do better, I scream in my head. I wish she could hear me. She snatches Cecilia away and my eyes don’t sting so much anymore because the tears have started falling onto my cheeks.
“You knew the deal. You promised me, Hugo.”
She’s taken her. Oh, Cecilia. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Cecilia meows in Mum’s arms. She wants me. She needs me like I need her. Just move! I try to tell myself, but all I can do is silently sob. I can’t watch her leave. I can’t follow her. I can’t tell my mum I’ll do better even though I will. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything except move right now. I can’t do that. I can’t save my cat. She’s going to think I don’t love her, that I broke my promise to take care of her!