She bursts out laughing right along with me. “Yeah, we were pretty dumb back then.”
We sit back on the couch and relax for a minute before she changes the subject back. I knew it was only a matter of time.
“Seriously Toto, you and I have been through so much together. You can tell me anything, and I will never ever judge you or make you feel bad for it. I am so not that person, you should know that.”
I nod and clasp my hands nervously in my lap. “I know.”
“So, please will you tell me what happened with you and Gabriel today?” she asks.
“Yes, Alanna.” I sigh. “But you should know this is really awkward for me. You know how I get when I try to talk about sex.”
“Okay.” She scrunches her face, trying her best to suppress her smile.
“So Gabriel has a little bit of a kinky side.”
Her eyes widen with sudden interest. “Well, honestly, I’d be kind of surprised if he didn’t. He’s rich, and those people are notorious for being kinky bastards. So what exactly is he into?”
“Um….” I shift nervously in my seat. “Well, he likes to… uh… dominate, I guess.” I whisper as if that will somehow compensate for the embarrassment.
Alanna shakes violently with laughter and slaps her hand on her thigh for good measure. I scowl at her. After her minute-long fit of uproarious laughter, she breathes a huge sigh of relief. “Is that all? So he told you he wants to dominate you?”
“Yes!” I state firmly, panic flashing across my face. “And I actually let him.”
“You had me thinking the worst. So you actually tried it? Did you like it?” As soon as the words are out of her mouth, her brow furrows with new realization. “Oh…. geez I am such an idiot. I didn’t even think. Of course, it would be scary for you, babe. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“No, no, it’s okay. I’m okay. He didn’t hurt me, and I wasn’t scared at all. To my surprise, I actually… um, kind of liked it.”
“Well, I am so relieved.” She smiles softly. “But did you kind of like it, or did you really like it? Because right now your face is bright red.”
“Okay, maybe I liked it a lot,” I say sheepishly. “But I don’t know if I want to keep doing this. He is so weird. One minute he’s all hot and sweet, and the next he’s ice cold. I felt weird just leaving afterwards.”
“Well, I hate to point out the obvious, but that’s how casual sex goes. You don’t really stick around.”
“I know,” I groan. “I just… I don’t know.”
“Well, has he treated you badly?” Alanna asks, concern etching her face.
“No, nothing like that,” I reassure her. “He was good, really good. But I just don’t know how to keep my distance, from getting too attached I mean. I don’t want to feel rejected every time I have to leave his apartment.”
“Ah, Victoria, I know it’s hard. I can’t make up your mind for you, sweetie,” she says gently. “All I can do is tell you what I think. You have to decide if it’s something you want to try. I don’t know this guy, he could be great, but I just want you to be careful. I don’t want you going back down the same path as before with men. Letting them treat you like shit. It’s one thing to dominate you in the bedroom, but he better treat you like a princess everywhere else.”
I sink back into the couch, trying to digest her words.
“As for the emotional stuff,” Alanna continues, “sometimes you can’t shut it off. You are just such a caring person. But you also need to make sure that whatever guy you give your love to is actually worthy of it. I don’t want you to put yourself in another situation that could be traumatic for you in any way. After that whole ordeal with that fucker Chris, I don’t ever want to see you with someone like that again.”
I glance up at her, noticing her open disdain as she mentions my ex-boyfriend. Well, I don’t know if I could even call him that. He was the guy I was madly in love with for years. He was more or less the man who used me for sex whenever one of us was passing through. He definitely didn’t love me, and it took me a lot of heartbreak to finally accept it.