“This is not fine.” I shook my head and let go…I didn’t want him to leave my side though. He came over with the cup of coffee for me.
“It will help with the headache. Coffee constricts the blood vessels in the brain and relieves migraines.” He placed the cup into my hand.
I stared at it for a moment before taking it and drinking.
“Urgh,” I grimaced. It tasted like burnt tree bark. “How can you drink this?”
“Cup to lip,” the smart ass replied.
“You’re such a—”
“Keep drinking.” He tipped the cup a little bit.
I drank until I couldn’t stand it anymore. Shaking all over I handed it back. “I’m good. My headache’s gone.”
He snickered as he took the cup from me and finished the rest. He walked to the sink and I reached up to touch my head. Sure enough, my headache was gone.
“It can’t really be me…”
“Why?” he asked turning back to me. “Why can’t it be you, Esther?”
I didn’t have an answer other than… “I’m just me. I’ve always been just me. Now you’re telling me that I’ve been me nine hundred and ninety-nine other times?”
“Yes and no.” He thought for a moment as he tried to explain. “We are different each time. Some traits come and go, like how you once loved lavender, yet now you love roses. Things take on different meanings. But you are still you. The traits that are central to who you are—a strong-willed, determined, caring and loving person, with horrible taste in guys—stays the same.”
I smiled though it wasn’t funny. “So?
??we’re the same but different?”
He smirked and I knew it was because he’d caught my slip. “Yes, we are.”
“If this is all true you’re a jerk!”
“Come again?” He crossed his arms waiting.
The more I thought about it angrier I became. “If this is true! That means you were running away from me! That means even if you hypothetically knew who I was to you, then you’d run even further away to avoid me no matter how I felt about it. Now, without any reason you come back and kiss me! What was the point of hypothetically avoiding me then?! You come when you want, you leave when you want—”
“I fell in love with you!” He replied back. “Yes. It’s selfish of me to come back like this. But I tried, Esther! I tried to avoid you because I knew if I fell in love with you in this life I couldn’t run after that! I tried but you found me. I fell in love with you and because…because of my own stupidity everything became much more complicated. I was confused about why it was that Li-Mei was my past and yet you were all I could think about! Then she appeared in front of me and I knew it had to be you, and the second I was sure of it I couldn’t help but run towards you. Towards the same circle that I always run to. But what can I do?! Not being around you kills me and being with you will actually kill me! So tell me, Esther, what do you want me to do? I really don’t know now. I know nothing other than I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, I want to make love to you, for as long as we have left.”
He wasn’t playing fair. He couldn’t just say all of that. And the worst thing was that he’d said it so honestly and desperately… how was I supposed to respond? What was I supposed to say in the face of that? Nothing. I couldn’t say anything.
“I know this is a lot to process,” he said as he moved from the sink towards me. “I’m staying in the Royal Suite at the Waldorf. So, when you’re ready and you know what you want me to do…you know where to find me. Just please stay safe, alright? Don’t go tripping in the middle of Times Square during rush hour or something.”
“Contrary to your belief I’m not actually a klutz,” I automatically replied.
The corner of his mouth turned up and he reached out to touch me but stopped. Balling his hand into a fist he nodded before dropping it down to his side.
“Good night, Esther,” he said gently. Reaching into his pocket he placed his key on the counter and without another word he grabbed his velvet jacket off the couch and walked out of my apartment.
“Night,” I whispered back when the door clicked and the sound of it echoed in my ears. And just like that, the whole apartment felt eerily silent and cold again. Walking towards the pot he’d washed, I dried it and, just as I was about to hang it back onto the rack, I instead decided to put the bag of coffee in it and set it back on the stove before I headed back to my room.
Realizing that I was still in my gown, I unzipped the back and let it drop to the ground around my feet. I didn’t care that my curtains were still open and without another thought I crawled into my bed.
“Is it really…is this real?” I asked myself as I curled into a ball. Just as my eyes were about to close I heard Für Elise begin to play softly. I didn’t bother answering and instead I listened to it like a lullaby as I drifted off to sleep.
October 14, 1940 – Near Balham Underground Station, London, England
“Help!”