Cried my eyes out. Sobbed and tore at my hair as she sat behind her desk, her arms crossed, telling me in an admonishing tone, ‘These things happen, Willow. You can’t just put yourself in the position to tempt a man, then expect him to not take what he needs. Especially when you are drunk. Willow, really. Just let this go. You are as much at fault as Derrick. More so, in fact.’
Her voice swims into my head, through the mists of memories, into the cab. “...need to apologize to Derrick and his family. Say you are sorry it’s taken you so long, but you want to make things right. The accusations were unfounded, you know that, and you were the one that enticed him that night.”
My stomach threatens to release, right here in the back of the filthy cab filled with the scent of street hotdogs, mustard and a locker room.
My mother wouldn’t go to the police. But she did make me go to the doctor. They gave me a pill, ‘just in case’ my mother said. She said what happened was a private matter. Even back then I knew rape was not a private matter, it was a criminal offense, even if I was intoxicated and couldn’t fight back. But I deferred to her. Then, when my brain couldn’t take it anymore, I blurted to Murphy at school. She was the one who went to the headmaster, who then called me to his office.
I knew I shouldn’t say any more to the headmaster. I knew my mother would hate me for it, but for once in my short life I defied her. I told him what happened. The party. The drinking. How I remember even in and out of consciousness that Derrick was on top of me.
The school opened a quiet investigation but no law enforcement was called. Just my mother. And Derrick’s father.
It was humiliating. Sitting there in front of the group while Derrick told his side of the story. In the end, it was kept out of the legal end of things, hushed up and kept quiet. But to Derrick and his family, his golden name had been tarnished. By me.
“This is bigger than your ego, Willow. There is a lot at stake.”
“Isn’t there always?” I mumble, trying to fight the sickness and anger bubbling up inside me.
“And...” Her voice hardens and I turn to ice. She’s always got an ace in the hole. “This whole tawdry business with your stepfather? That would be so unfortunate. If it all came out, I mean. Pike’s merger is at a critical point. He doesn’t need bad PR right now, does he?”
Right then my phone dings through the Skype app. It’s Pike calling.
“Mom. This has been lovely, as always. I’m hanging up now.”
“Oh no you don’t, young lady. You want to see your grandmother? You want a place to live? That little black Amex in your wallet that pays all your bills? That’s not an entitlement, my dear. So you listen to me...”
I let Pike’s call go to voicemail as I lean over and curl my torso over my legs, holding the phone to my ear as my mother’s voice hits me in all the tender places.
“Anyway, there’s no need for any of this to turn nasty. I love you, darling, you know that. You will just write up a formal letter, recanting all those ridiculous accusations regarding that night with Derrick Marcus. You will meet at the offices of Stern & Bergman in the morning, 10 AM. Derrick and his father will be there, you will apologize to them, you will give them your letter and everyone will get what they want. My firm wins. Pike wins. Marcus and Derrick win. You learn a valuable lesson. This is how life in our world works, my dear girl. I’ve coddled you too long. Yes, time you grew up.”
Voices in the background on the other end of the phone are talking to her as the cab pulls off in front of Pike’s building.
I can’t help but ask, “Why does he even care mother? It’s been so many years. Who even cares anymore? It’s not like anyone did anything about it anyway.” My voice raises, higher with each word.
Who cares? I do. I care.
And if I can let it go, then surely they can let me do so. The desperate anger I felt back then is coming back with every instant. My own mother sided with my attacker back then and she’s doing so again now. In a even worse way now.
“It does matter to him, Willow. If you were wrongly accused of something, you would want your name cleared as well. It may not have gone to the police, but it still embarrassed Derrick and his family. It’s time to set things right. Time to grow up, stop being a petulant child, stop spreading nasty rumors like some spoiled little girl. This is about business now. Grown up business. Do you understand?”
I sigh. “Yes.”
“So you will write the letter. You will go to the meeting.”
“I said yes.”
“Good, because——”
I end the call. I can’t listen to another word from her.
Pike and my mother were already divorced when what happened with Derrick happened. I don’t want him to ever know. Last night, when we were together, I didn’t think for a second about it. What happened between me and Pike was my first time. I will always consider it that way. Derrick will not take that away from us. I won’t let him. He’s already taken so much.
The cab pulls to a stop in front of Pike’s building, just as my phone buzzes again in my hand. I rummage in my bag for the $20 to hand the cab driver and stare at the screen of my phone.
Pike: HEY. Where are you? You don’t just leave like that princess.
Even in the short time we’ve been together, I feel the impact of that single word.
I thank the cab driver, smiling a smile I don’t feel, and pull the handle on the door. The deluge from the sky is picking up as I step out into the street, drenching me in the short space before I get to the protective canopy where the doorman is running to me with an umbrella.