“I did the final walk through myself. There was a break in the fencing, a point where it was tugged away and dug out like someone may have tried to get inside. I walked that building ten fucking times, I swear to God.” I harden at the sound of the words, then shake my head. It’s just excuses, nothing can change the fact that I’m guilty. “I missed something. I failed in my duty. I killed that woman as much as if I’d pointed a gun to her head and pulled the trigger myself.” My throat tightens and my gut grinds over on itself. I have to fight to hold back the shaking in my voice. My eyes are burning but I won’t allow myself to shed the tears. “I should have done more; it was my responsibility. I should have called off the demolition until I could get a team in there to check every corner of the building.” For the first time since that day, I let go of the fight, and the tears spill from my eyes.
My other hand comes up from the security of her softness and I press it against my forehead as if I might be able to wipe away the memories by sheer force alone. Then I press my fingers into my eyes, willing the tears to stop. I don’t deserve them.
I have to take a breath before I can continue. “I gave the all clear. I didn’t press the button, but it was my fault the charges were set off – my moment when the first boom shook the ground. It was then that I caught the movement at one of the doors on the ground floor. Impossible.” I look into her eyes, misty through the tears. “It was impossible; she couldn’t be there. I wanted to stop it, but it was too late. I charged out of the safety shelter anyway, trying to somehow get to her, get her out of there before it all collapsed. But I couldn’t. The building came down and I was too close. I only got as far as the fence before the whole thing tumbled. In my head it was like a house of cards, everything I’d built, everything I was proud of in my life came crashing down. I watched in horror, but I was too close. A piece of concrete came down on my foot, smashing it so badly it had to be removed. I remember thinking it was what I deserved, a constant reminder of my failure to save her.” I look down at my missing foot, the stump. My punishment. “I didn’t want to live any more, but I couldn’t die. I thought God had chosen my punishment, and I had to accept it. Money no longer held any meaning; I just wanted to give it all away. Until I met you.” I can’t meet her eyes. I don’t want to see her disgust. “Then I started to think, maybe, I’d found a way through it.”
“But,” Her eyes are questioning. “Why did she go in there? I mean, it was fenced off and marked off; why would someone go inside?”
I rub my fingers hard between my eyebrows and clear my throat, trying to catch the sob threatening to break free.
“She was a drug addict. She was just looking for a place to be safe for the night maybe. Who knows? Maybe someone was after her, she was scared. I hate that thought. She was trying to find a safe place and I killed her.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes because there’s not much left to say. I know she’s going to leave me. I have to suffer. To make it right, I have to suffer.
But her voice comes out in a warm whisper. “I just got so scared when I read it. I just fet hot and like this was all some sort of joke.” Her fingertips cover her lips before she continues. “This all has happened so fast; I just knew it was too good to be true. I knew I must be an idiot for thinking you would want me. That we could have all this so fast. There had to be something to take it all away from me.”
“I would do anything to change what I did. As God is my witness, I’ll take my punishment, but I never meant to hurt her.”
“I know.” She places her fingertips on my arm. “She would forgive you I think. You need to forgive yourself. It’s so heavy Daddy. I can feel you carrying it around.”
I’ve heard those words before. From Erik, from Cindy. But from her, from my Angel, finally they find their mark. I need to forgive myself, to find the change that will allow me to move on. I nod, tears still streaming down my face. “Thank you.”
“It was just the text message, Magnus. I got scared because I didn’t know the truth. I should have just asked you.”
“Who sent it to you?” Somewhere deep inside I knew someday I would have had to tell her, and it’s my own fault for not coming clean sooner. Then my addled brain clicks into gear and suddenly I know. “Fucker. Eddie, right?”
Angel nods and I lead her by the hand over to one of the massive, chocolate-brown, velvet sofas that overlook the lake behind. I lift her body into my lap, facing me again.
“I got so scared.” Her eyes fall and her hands flutter around her neck until I take them in mine. “I mean.” She looks up at the ceiling and her eyes flood, the salty streams breaking through the dam of her lower lashes to wet her pink cheeks, and my heart cracks. “I don’t really have anyone in this world left. I mean, when I got the text, I thought about who I could call if I was in trouble. Who would come and help me. And there wasn’t really anyone. I have Andrea, and she would want to help, but she doesn’t have a car. I have no family. It just dawned on me that if you were a dangerous person, and you got me up here for some other reason, what would I do? No one would come looking for me. I’m here all alone.”
“You’ll never be alone again.” I hate the fear in her voice, the loneliness. I want to take it all away and give her everything she deserves.
“It all just hit me at once. I mean, this has been so intense and I guess deep down I just don’t think I deserve to be happy. Not this kind of happy. And I feel like maybe there’s something wrong with me for wanting... all this. Like the way we are, you know? Like there is always the other shoe that’s going to drop and when it does, life gets to laugh at me and say, ‘See? Told ya so.’ People like me just don’t get to be happy.”
I squeeze her hands and bring them to my chest. We’re both still naked, and my cock is standing straight up between us, her slick pussy pressing against me. I lean forward and kiss her lips, long and slow, dropping her hands so mine can hold her cheeks.
“You deserve to be happy, Angel, you really do. I felt the same way. I was sure no one would want me. And I’d never really wanted anyone before you. Then that first day I saw you, it was like this whole new part of me opened up, and it scared the shit out of me, Angel. The thoughts I’d had. I thought I was a sick fuck just for the thinking those things. The ways I wanted to treat you and take care of you. The ways I wanted to fuck you.” My heart is thrumming in my chest. I’ve never talked to anyone like this before, told them how I feel. I’m the strong, silent type. And honestly, before Angel I just didn’t have all that many feelings to begin with. Now suddenly they’re back with a vengeance. “You’ve changed me, babygirl. I kept my distance, but only because I couldn’t forgive myself for killing someone. I mean, how do you live with that? How can anyone around me live with that and still trust me? I understand why you were scared, sweet girl. And I’m so sorry.”
“It was a horrible accident. I’m so sorry for you both.” Her sweet face looks at me with such innocence, and I feel how much she needs me to be strong for her.
I need to forgive myself so I can be everything she needs. Because she is my everything.
“I’m starting to forgive myself, babygirl, but only because of you. I have to, so I can be the best Daddy for you. The best lover. The best friend. The best of everything you need.”
She licks her lips, turning her face into my palm and kissing me. The throbbing from my dick is starting to reach my ears as she adjusts her hips forward, leaning harder into my thick erection.
“Daddy...”
That single, sweet word has me by the balls. The words are lost in my clenched throat, and her fingers catch the salty rivers that start down my rough cheeks. Both my hands drop to the pinch of her waist, jerking her body into me like I’m clinging to her for dear life. A wrenching noise leaves my chest as I bury my face into the curve of her neck, trying to find peace there.
As her hands leave my cheeks, they dance over my shoulders and pull me in against her. Her perfect innocence moves me, the way her body melts against me, and I feel the way she accepts me for whatever I am in this moment. How she trusts me when I’m not sure I deserve that trust.
“I’ll tell you what I know,” she whispers into my ear. “I know I’ve never met a more honorable person in my life. I trust you with all of me. For all the days you’ll have me, Daddy. I just know in my heart you are meant for me. We are meant for each other. We are here to fill the other’s empty spaces. To heal the parts that are broken. I’m the soft to your hard. I’m the pink to your black. I’m going to give more than I take. Because I’ve never wanted someone like I want you. I want you in my life. Not for a day, a week or some definable amount of time. I want you in my life. I want you to be my life. Like you are part of me. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve never been more sure of anything. I’m your babygirl, Daddy.”
I’m not sure she knows how deeply her words carve into my heart. They resonate in a part of me long forgotten, a deep, buried part of my being that needs to possess and care for her, that needs her to give herself to me completely. Suddenly, I know what forever feels like. It’s inside each moment.
Like now. I could live right here. Even with the clutching pain in my chest, I want this. I never want her apart from me, because we belong to each other.
“If you trust me, then hold on, because I’m about to show you just how I’m going to love you for the rest of your life.”