He tilted his head, scanning her face, looking for illness. “Not anemic or anything?”
“Nope.” She hated the spotlight on her, and she sipped her latte, hoping for a subject change.
Not going to happen, she thought grimly as Josh asked, “Okay, so what’s up? It can’t be that you’re just tired. You seem stuck in your head lately.”
Of course Josh would have noticed any change in her mood. He truly knew her. She’d been with Josh longer than some marriages lasted. But that realization only stirred the same confusing question running through her mind: Is this the life I want?
The sense of guilt storming across her when she saw the stress in Josh’s warm, kind eyes left her knowing she couldn’t avoid the conversation any longer. They’d been high school sweethearts, and had even been voted the couple most likely to get married. “Are you happy?” she blurted out.
He bristled at her question. “Of course I am.”
Chloe noticed how he couldn’t look her in the eye. She reached for his hand, wrapping hers tightly around his. “Why haven’t you asked me to marry you?” She knew she held blame for this, too, as she’d never pressed the matter.
Up until a month ago, that hadn’t seemed odd.
A slow breath escaped his mouth. “Chloe, that’s not fair. You know I’ve been busy with university, law school, and settling into the firm.”
She watched his every move, noting how tense his body language seemed underneath the casual weekend outfit of gray T-shirt and plaid shirt. Suddenly it became clear that she and Josh had the same doubts. “Is it that? Or do you not want to marry me?”
His chin jerked up, eyes pained. “You know I love you, Chloe.”
“I know you do. And you know I love you, too.”
Their fingers tangled together, and the heavy silence stretched out, speaking of so much while saying nothing at all. She supposed she could ignore the giant elephant in the room and continue to live her life with Josh. They shared a strong love, but passion didn’t exist in their lives. She could count on one hand how many times they’d had sex in the last year—and whenever they did that particular deed, it began with an alcohol-fueled night. That sort of life seemed unfair to both of them.
Don’t we deserve passion?
He tightened his fingers around hers and she shut her eyes, willing herself strength. At last she reopened them, finding his warm gaze on her. “I’m happy with you. I’m comfortable. But sometimes I wonder if we’re staying together because it is comfortable and it’s what we’ve always known.”
He paused. Then said, “I feel the same way.”
“You do?”
A couple of young girls passed by their table, laughing. Josh waited until their laughter faded away before continuing, “It seems too easy.”
“Too comfortable. Like best friends?”
He gave a small nod.
Chloe smiled in return. She was grateful that Josh understood where her heart lay. When Sawyer had entered her life, even for a brief moment, things ignited in her body—passion, lust, and intensity. Her entire soul had stood up and taken notice of Sawyer in a way she’d never noticed any man.
Yet…she trusted Josh. That was something special, too. She’d lost her virginity to him when they were sixteen years old. They’d stuck together for more than ten years. But after meeting Sawyer, she felt like she could have more.
Josh ran his thumb across Chloe’s hand, pulling her into the present. “Have you met someone else?”
“No.” She didn’t even know Sawyer. Not reall
y. But that night he’d changed something in her, making her wonder what else she’d been missing by choosing the safe path. “There is no one else.” But I’m hoping there will be—though she didn’t say that. “I don’t want life to be too easy. I want to take chances. We should want more for ourselves, don’t you think?”
Josh watched her for a long moment before he nodded. “Yeah, I do. But I want you to know that I haven’t met anyone else, either. I’ve never cheated or anything—”
“I know you haven’t. But you’ve been curious…?”
“I’ve sometimes wondered why I haven’t wanted to get married.” A strand of his dark hair fell over his brow, and he brushed it away. “But I guess it became confusing, because I do love you. I can’t imagine not having you in my life.”
Relief settled deeply in her chest. Not because their relationship was coming to a close, but because Josh understood what she was feeling. “Let me guess—you wondered if I would be better in your life as a friend than your wife?”
“Yeah,” he whispered, hanging his head.